So here is sit on the cusp of R"H. I have not entered in to a bar for the whole month of Elul, not watched pornography, not spilled seed. One day I did go to the beach on a very hot day, which was a huge mistake as far as the woman there, but I only stayed for a short time and then went home without talking to anyone.

So, I was thinking about Selichos, Teshuvah etc. I will freely admit that I do not get up early enough to say Selichos every morning.

I just need more sleep than the average guy and can't wake up early. Okay, not great.

Anyway, I was thinking about Teshuvah. And what is the highest level of Teshuvah (I think as outlined by the Rambam) as I understand it? It is being put in to the same exact situation/position that you sinned previously, and avoiding it.

With that in mind, I have spent a full month of Elul avoiding the urge to look at porn, spill seed, and go to a bar.

Honestly Chevrai, I am proud of myself, not in a "gaivadik" way, but just in that I was able to supres some of the strongest urges that I have. I remember plenty of Eluls where I sinned egregiously right before the High Holidays. I even recall attending a bar Erev Y"K. Ugh. So, do not want to mock or tempt the Y"H with my success, but I just need to kvell a little bit.

I am now committing myself to staying out of a bar until after Sukkos.

Now, my real fear is that after Sukkos the Y"H is going to say to me."Okay, good for you, you can control yourself, now go have a little fun, it won't hurt you" You can control yourself, see?"

I guess I will just take things one day or one week at a time.

Believe you me, I have MUCH to do Teshuvah for from the past year, I am not trying to misrepresent myself...I just felt for the first time that I had used Elul for what it is meant for, to change one's ways.

I must also give praise where it is due, this site has been very helpful for me, not only in writing everything down, but in reviewing this thread as a reminder of how rotten I felt the last time I engaged in these behaviors, so thanks GYE. Bli Neder I will try to make a nice monetary gift to you in the coming year for all your help.

I wish us all a year of heath, happiness,prosperity, peace and the ultimate kivush of our Y"H wit the coming of Moshiach, bemhayra veyamenu.

I agree that it's fine and even good to take pleasure in our accomplishments, especially in this area. I don't think this pride is the gaavah we are warned against.

At the same time, as I am feeling this pleasure/pride, I thank and recognize that it is only through Hashem's chessed that I have achieved anything. So what I am really proud of is my connection to Hashem, that He is here in my life.

Beautiful!

B"H I have made it through ELul and the 10 days or teshuvah without entering a tavern or viewing lewd images of women on line. I still have a ways to go as far as shmiras anyim on the street, although I did, consciously for the first time,the other day, actually look down and cover my eyes with my hat brim as an attractive and scantily clad woman passed me on the street. I cannot say that I have done this every time, but I am trying to be conscious of each time I am leering or staring at a woman in public. I thank GYE for helping me with this accomplishment. My only fear is that after the Yom Tovim, I will have a huge precipitous fall, as I can feel the pull of the Y"H on me to go to a tavern. It is an amazingly tangible and compelling feeling, I can almost actually feel the Y"H working on me and chipping away at my resolve in trying to entice me to go to a bar. So, may we all merit a Gemar Chasima Tovah. GYE has made it clear to me that alcohol is the fuel of my aveiros, not the ikkar of the problem. But, it is essential that I stay away from alcohol in places where my Y"H can make the most progress, i.e. mixed surroundings or a tavern. I may fall again, but I will try and stay strong for as long as possible. May we all succeed in our trials to fight and ultimately control and conquer our Y"H

Thanks for the post. Very nice to see progress, in SA there's a quote, "progress not perfection". We are all human, day by day we can get there.

I also relate to your nervousness about after Yom Kippur. I have been there before. However, now I try to take things one day at a time. Do we know where will be even tomorrow? I know I don't know for sure. So what is the use worrying about it? You are doing well, keep up the work.

Gmar chasima tovah.

Shlomo24 wrote:


Ditto!

("Tomorrow is a mystery" only if one is worried about it.....focus on today!)

Okay, Elul and Tishrei down, now Cheshvan ahead. The Y'H is strong, I have been tremendously tempted to go to a bar an view porn and spill seed. After all, I made it this far didn't I, and proved to myself that it is not a problem, so
I can do it a little bit, right. WRONG.

I will continue the fight and hopefully get to 90 days!

Just FYI, my doctor put me a new anti-depressant that has done wonders for my mood. I have no doubt that my drinking in part was/is self medication for depression.

So, B"H, G-d gave man the wisdom to create anti-depressants and I am going to take full advantage of them. Chemical imbalance is chemical imbalance.

Atalagance,

Can we change the title to " I keep on beating that Yetzer Hara"?

I envy you! Keep it up man!

B"h, good to hear ur still in the game. It's funny because I also have this desire to go on porn/ masturbate/ have anonymous sex etc, maybe we have something in common

Shlomo24 wrote:


Don't we all?

Yeah, that is kind of the point isn't it?

Thank you, beli ayin hora.

Well, here we are it is 22 Cheshvan. I have not been in a bar since before Elul. Today someone who I used to go out to bars with just called me to go out after work. A male work buddy from many years ago.

I told him that I could not go out with him. It is too bad, but I can feel the Y"H welling up in me lately for a "night on the town" which translates in to some very very illicit and dangerous behavior. We would go out to this certain bar that was inhabited by zonot of all colors. A couple of times I ended up with them in one way or another. I DO NOT WANT TO EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!! Many times it put me in to some dangerous situations where I was very vulnerable physically. The garbage I was getting in to was so suspect and so terrible it is purely through the grace of Hashem Yisborach that I did not get in to worse trouble, either legally or physically. The chances that I could have been arrested or gotten beaten up or mugged or in a car accident were too numerous to even mention. Looking at it, it is really out of control behavior, that was totally unbecoming of a husband, father, or Jew of any affiliation. Or any moral x-tian, muslim atheist or buddhist for that matter. All related to alcohol. These behaviors NEVER cross my mind or even occur in the least bit when I have not been drinking heavily. At least when I drink some lechaims on Shabbos during the Kiddush I just go home and have a really nice nap. So I have not stopped drinking obviously, just doing it in a "kosher" controlled mostly gender segregated environment. Makes a big difference. I still have alcohol issues on their own, but at least they are not leading to the above mentioned dangerous behavior. I thank Hashem with all my heart soul and might that he has protected me, even when I was not particularly worthy of his protection. Almsot at the 90 day mark for not going to a bar. I am not looking for it o be a magic number for me, but at least it is a good start.

Clean and no stepping in a bar since before Elul, just FYI. This site has been an enormous resource and cause of that. Thank you.

So is your whole trick to stay clean from alcohol?

You haven't got desires when your sober?
How do you control yourself when your sober?

I'm not asking to question you I'm asking to learn from you-you seem an extremely impressive individual.

Your a huge gibor!!
I envy you..