Hi everyone! 

I'm Motty, 33, married, 3 kids, from Israel.
I originally posted this on a different board, but here goes:
So I'm on day 6, fighting one moment at a time. 
So many things by me are triggers- and I'm not referring to the typical, ie. seeing/thinking lustful stuff. I know it's not unique, as I've read about it on Dr Sorotskin's site (thanks, Gibbor!). Specifically the stuff about perfection.
I find that acting out for me is usually an expression of yiush. Meaning when I start becoming upset or nervous about something, I have this urge to act out 'just get it over with'. Of course it helps me avoid reality. But more, it makes me feel like 'ok, now you did the worst, so you're done. Now you can move on'. So I really would agree that 'lust is not the problem, it's the solution'. Meaning that it's forcing me to face my underlying issues that drive me to lust. So very often it's 2 steps: a. A negative emotion, then b. acting out. Even when I find myself in a lustful mood, it's usually a. 'Give up- you know you won't be able control yourself, and only then b. acting out.
Now for you gevaldige guys who are about ask those deep questions that might actually get me to think (and I look forward to getting to know you and growing from them), my lusting has led me to phone sex, pornography, masturbation. The p**n probably from age 11, the rest a couple of years later. Ok, I know you still have plenty to ask!
Living '1 moment at a time' has been helping tremendously. It seems to be the exact opposite to the thoughts I usually have. Releases some of the pressure.
For me, the process of getting out of isolation began with gye. Before I ever spoke to anyone. Just by reading many post, I have gotten to understand myself more. This makes sense since until 3 weeks ago, when I joined gye, I have never in my 33 years spoken to anyone about this issue.
So thank you all for letting me learn so much from you, and for showing me that it pays to make yourself vulnerable, and open up.

Welcome again

sounds like you are on (one of) the right track(s).

b'hatzlachah

Welcome Motty, good to have you here!

I will not ask questions as I see that made it hard for you to open up.

I have some similarities first of all I'm also 33 years old father of kids, never spoke to a sole about these issues although I was carrying them around for more then 2 decades, things got worse as life stresses kicked in, read thread for a while before signing up, didn't want anybody to ask personal questions, almost regretted signing on when those questions started coming, but let me tell you this ITS THE BEST DESIDION I MADE IN MY LIFE. Since I signed up 8 months ago I got to know many people (some on a personal level) who understand me are willing to help me, and really got me pout of my pit today I am clean for 97 days only thanks to the fact that was able to take away my hand from my heart in order to let my heart heel.


So again I will not ask any questions, but you do what you see works best for you, and if that takes a move that you think you don't want to do , I tell you, YOU SHOULD DO IT!!!

bhatzlocha

Misgaber

PLEASE provide feedback/questions/advice/criticism. I was just being silly. The emoticons didn't show on my message- they may have helped show my intention. Actually, Pidaini has been gently asking me tons of questions, etc. until he helped me out of my rut, and also convinced me to begin posting! I've seen how much others have grown from the oilam's tough love!

Welcome again to the forum!!! And welcome to your own thread!!!

It is great that you took this step before you felt forced to, but out of free will and a desire to grow!!

It seems that you have started seeing quite a clear pattern in your falls, I guess the next question is, what do you do with that?

But one thing at a time!!

KUTGW!!! KOMT!!!!!

dear ineedchizuk,
welcome.
you are truly unique, in the fact that your username represents us all.
so i think you are in the right place!
your friend lavi.

welcome!!
this is the place to be, so much info and so many eitzos and especially such a wonderful oilam, but bottom line is that you are the one who has to take the steps to recovery
I relate to many points on your post and wish you much hatzlacha on your journey back to real living facing your issues and dealing with them and thereby finally really truly growing, it is a wonderful experience, sounds much more scary than it is, I was also 33 when I started slowly on this road but it took me several years until I finallly mustered up the courage to actually meet real live people, Hashem should help you figure out what is the right path for you and help you to actually follow it with much hatzlacha

WOW!!! INCREDIBLE!!! WELCOME!!!

ineedchizuk
I completely relate. I get stressed and use lust to relieve me. BH, I have managed to lessen my stress and actually overcome my challenges instead of act out. So yes, try to find those underlying issues and work on it. Slowly but surely you will improve and loosen you're "dependency" on lust.

welcome aboard
when you say that you get yiush, do you mean from a specific situation, or do you mean from life in general?
the answer will be a good hint on where to start dealing with yiush.
why have you decided that the acting out is a problem? because it causes you more yiush or because of the halachic aspects of it?
perhaps solidifying the reason in your mind that you have decided to work on this problem might bring some direction also.

Thank you all for the varme velcome!
The pattern: ok, I don't know what to learn from a pattern per Se more than the awareness alone, which is so important. The bottom line is, to learn how to deal with the pressures of the moment. And the answer seems to be to stay in the moment! Meaning, option a: just get overwhelmed, and use any means at my disposal to avoid dealing with the issue at hand. Smoke, drink, eat, ma.....te (the latter is more intense, so more relieving than the former). Or b: Calm down, take one moment at a time, and ask myself, with the tools Hashem has given me, what's the next best step to take? And then do it!

Limaase, just as I see people on the forum point out that even posting on the forum can be a way to avoid reality as opposed to dealing with the lust issue for real, so too with avoiding. I find that going for a good jog helps a lot to ease the tension, and yes, I'll then be out of the sakana of acting out. But if I don't use it to then deal with my issue with a clear mind, I can't say I dealt with the source of the problem. The same can be true even regarding reaching out to a friend. This is how I relate to what I keep reading about dry drunk or white knuckling.

On the other hand, regarding Oownanoowmin's Q. of what specifics lead to yiush, not having the 'perfect' solution to the problem at hand. Which, of course, in an imperfect olam haze, whether specific or general, opportunities for yiush are boundless!
So what to do? Make and carry out those imperfect decisions- and take pride in them!
Funny, now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing that reaching out/ visiting gye IS a solution- and a good one at that (bli ayin hara day 11)! Oh , and also imperfect solution- doesn't accomplish my all encompassing 'master plan' solution. HOW WILL I REMAIN CLEAN (ODAAT) LONG TERM IF I CANT TAKE SIPPUK IN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT???
I must internalize that a partial or an imperfect solution is the PERFECT solution (at least in oilam haze, where there's no such thing as shleimus)!
So....baby steps!
Thanks again for your (continued) advice, feedback and reaching out! I feel מחוזק!

i like the way you spelled my name (or lack of a name:lol: )
first of all as far as your master plan, why can't you get a sippuk from the accomplishment? Once you reach a point that your hard work is starting to give off fruits, why wouldn't you be able to get a sippuk?
as far as the yiush i can relate to you feeling. however there are very good ways of learning how to deal with your day to day operations and preparing for the inevitable moving to plan b. i have found that the more thought that i put into my week in advance, i feel more in control of what is going on. (and i have alot of things that i am dealing with all the time) I have put alot of work into managing my life in terms of dealing with the day to day of work and family. I still have a way to go but i have grown alot in this area in the last year and a half. If you are interested in some more details send me an email unanumun@gmail.com (or maybe i should open a new email at Oownanoowmin@gmail.com )

Feeling crazy anxious. Blaming myself 4 what's not my fault at all.
So... huge urge to act out.
רבש"ע I need You. Please help me 'get out of my head'! I can't without your help!

You seem to be well on your way INC! Realize Hashem is running the show and everything is from HIM. That should help take away some of the stress. We can only try to do the right thing now. Everything is in HIS hands. Why worry. (i should take my own advice )

Avoid triggers, both physical, and emotional. Talk to people, take a jog, etc. when things get tough.

Hatzlacha! You are doing great!

I hear the frustration, I've been there as well, part of my "controlling" issue.

It's at times like these that friends are so helpful, they help me get out of my head, I listen to someone else, talk about anything else, realize that there is a massive world out there besides for my dark, narrow, head!!

KUTGW!!!! You're on the right track!!

dear ineed,
keep up the good work. i don't only mean the effort you are putting in, i also mean the posting!!
if i may share a tip that sometimes works for me. when it is crunch time, ie, you get the urge, and you don't see yourself getting through, tell mr, yetzer, "ok, ok fine, but let me wait five minutes, just to show Hashem that i am trying"
your friend lavi