Wow. You are made of a different material. The amount of trauma in such a short span of time sounds like enough to put a guy away in a psychiatric facility... Adding to that is all the complications from the past, which obviously resurface, dredging up unpleasant memories and experiences. To be able to process all that pain, and end off with the last paragraph that you did, attests to your passing numerous tests with flying colors. You should give mussar va'adim in high schools to our generation of entitled kids who have almost no coping skills, and have difficulty processing normal daily challenges. They are handicapped rach"l by our society's allowing liberal culture and ideas to penetrate our atmosphere to the degree that it has. You are a walking inspiration, and it is no wonder that you ahve bli ayin hara been so successful in the very challenging nisyonos of inyanei kedusha. Hats off to you Reb SIB - Super Inspirational Brother to us all.

I mentioned previously that I hit a real downward trough in the last few months.I think that last night I hit a low that I haven't hit in many years.My Eshes Chayil went out of town to visit a close cousin and her mother, an and aunt who is really suffering from dementia but is not in as extreme fashion as my mother ZL was in her last months.I went down the rabbit hole, searched on my phone and found what I had been successfully avoiding for years and I had an accident for the first time in almost 19 years. I deleted everything but I learned the hard way that the phone is far more lethal than a laptop or a PC and that when  the recesses of your memory are filled with shmutz,it does not take a long time to find what you want. I am just treating it as an accident and moving on

I am not sure about giving Musar Vaadim
but far too many adolescents and adults both in our communities and outside don’t have coping skills , unfortunately have led lives without being able to deal with challenges such as a tough rebbe or boss . Even after a terrible night and relapse , last night , the first such night in many years since being on GYE I am looking forward and writing it off as the culmination of the stresses of the last two years 

I know what the rules are for the 90 day program However Chazal say Rachmana Patre Onsin  and I attribute everything over the last two months to the events of the last two years and I am moving on rather than viewing it as time to start over I know what my triggers are and I am moving in rather than looking back 

BH I had a solid and Tahor night I feel much better and positive this morning Every day is an Avodah 

Sober people can also have a fall once in a blue moon. 
Doesn't mean they aren't sober or need to start counting again. 

אין צדיק אשר לא יחטא. 

Besides, the number doesn't actually mean anything. 

Reminds me of a story from the beginning of covid. Someone came to the Kossever Rebbe saying that he never missed a mikva in his life and wanted to continue. He answered (paraphrasing) that yiddishkeit isn't about statistics. You need to do what's right. 

חזק ואמץ. 
I truly admire you. 

There is a major difference between having one slip and having a relapse. A lapse represents a temporary slip or return to a previous behavior that one is trying to control or quit (usually a onetime occurrence), whereas a relapse represents a full-blown return to a pattern of behavior that one has been trying to moderate or quit altogether.

If someone is on a diet and trying to lose weight, they might have a lapse if they eat one piece of chocolate cake. If that same person gains 25 pounds while on their diet, they most likely suffered a relapse.

So does this mean that even a brief lapse must lead to a full-blown relapse? Does it mean a person must continue to drink or drug until the use returns to the initial level? Is spiraling out of control inevitable? Simply put, no. A lapse need not become a relapse. After a slip, you have not unlearned all that you have learned. You have not unchanged all that you have changed in your life to support your recovery. You do not have to start counting again from day one.

If you view your lapse as a mistake and as a product of external triggers, rather than as a personal failure, research shows that you will have a much better chance of return to abstinence quickly. Your lapse becomes a tool to move forward and to strengthen your motivation to change, your identification of triggers and urge-controlling techniques, your rational coping skills, and the lifestyle changes needed to lead a more balanced life.

Does this mean that a person should view these lapses as a good thing? Of course not! Clearly, if one wants to abstain, lapses are not preferred. But by recognizing that mistakes can happen and learning how to quickly right oneself, long-term abstinence can be achieved. Lapses may occur, but relapse is not inevitable.

Thank you for all for wonderful Divrei Chizuk 

My Eshes Chayil is at a Chasunah and I am home alone because I am in the last month of Avelus I previously could and would  have been recently tempted to go down the rabbit hole but I feel stronger especially after letting it all hang out here I am keeping myself busy and productive I would again like to thank all of you posted replies for your wonderful Divrei Chizuk 

Just read through your thread. You are a true role model. Keep it up

Every day is an Avodah-This past Sunday morning,I was home alone as my Eshes Chayil was doing chesed with a friend. I could have slipped down a rat hole but I didn't .So far I have been clean but when you sleep with a mask for a CPAP device you wind up sleeping on your back, and that means you have a strong possibility of waking up in an aroused state of mind even if your hands are nowhere that part of your body. which means you can either give in or go back to sleep . So far,I have been Tahor even if I wake up in that state.

yo 270 days!! u are incredible! that is amazing

u inspire me

I had an accident this morning I switched to a new CPAP machine and the mask had been leaking like a sieve My quality sleep has been lousy and I just went down my usual rabbit hole this morning I know that I have a long good streak but I am susceptible to emotional triggers ups and downs 

i am trying to stay clean. but there is such a lack of tzius in the neighborhood. Trying to not lust after them and fall off