SIB101854 wrote on 20 Sep 2021 14:51:

Strong guy!!

Refuah Sheleima and Chag Kasher vsameah!

Does anyone here have similar issues with the CPAP machines snd the issues that I have described ?Last night I almost had a fall 

The issue is simple When you use a CPAP machine you  have to sleep on your back Physiologically that increases the possibility that you may very well wake up during the night or in the morning with physical desire If you wake up half asleep there is a strong possibility of having at least an accident but not a fall Last night I had an accident but not a fall

Last night I had another accident. I don't know what was happening but I was clean for so long . I have to somehow pick myself up off the ground. 

Thanks to my Eshes Chayil I was able to discuss a wide range of issues which were leading me in the wrong direction and I was successful in picking myself off the ground It was very helpful in getting my mind and emotions back in the right place 

I think that a combination of dealing with the loss of three close relatives in from right before the pandemic until right after the vaccines became available  ,  the recent sudden loss of  a dear friend ,boredom at work where I am getting paid to work even though the economy is in terrible shape, and sleeping on my back has caused me to wake up with the strong possibility of an accident.I had a good streak but all of these factors seem like a perfect storm coalescing all at once.

SIB101854 wrote on 03 Nov 2021 18:31:

i assume that Hashem knows you are up for a new high and a new challenge that you where not able to handle till now, but now you are strong enough to handle it but this is your opportunity to get to a higher place. 

SIB101854 wrote on 03 Nov 2021 18:31:

Who am I to even comment. I highly respect and look up to you. All I can do is pray to Hashem to help you get through the challenges of life and keep on being a great inspiration to all of us!

I finally feel after a long downward slide that I am back on my feet again I finally am sleeping a lot better I have not had an accident during this period but I could have and I just feel better  

3039!!!!!??!!
You are a giant among men over here

I haven't had an accident but I am struggling again-It is has been a tough period of time for the reasons that  I mentioned on November 3, and I appreciate all of the Chizuk . It is a downward swing that I have not felt in many years-I haven't watched any shmutz  but even looking at what is called "Google Images" or pop up junk on good sites , which also can lead one to look for worse  has to be avoided like the plague.  Hopefully, I can get myself back on my feet and stay there.

I am holding my own but struggling When you put together a perfect storm you go into a trough of depression Then I found out there was a recall on my CPAP but my doctors told me to keep you using the machine and I have on and off pain in my right knee which I know is cartilage related I am working at staying Tahor so every day and night is a different battle 

I am really struggling. For some reason, I am having problems staying asleep and and I came perilously close to having a real accident last night. I am definitely not watching anything inappropriate but from time to time I look at pictures which are not shmutz but which are stupid and  there is  no doubt that all of the shmutz that I read and watched years ago keeps me up at night, together with everything else I mentioned. I hope to pull out of this trough but it is an uphill battle. I am just going to get up and keep going and not think about where I was . Rehashing  the bad old days in any part of life will only be counterproductive.

For the first time in months I had a great undisturbed night's sleep and I feel mentally and emotionally a lot better. I don't how or why but I think that as I approach the end of Aveilus, I feel that I can see the end of the forest through the trees.

It has been a tough two years. First my mother in law  and my dear aunt who both treated me as a son were niftar within 6 months of each other. Then my mom ZL who I had a difficult relationship with especially as an adolescent when I became a BT was niftar almost a year ago-I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt the Petirah of my father ZL who was my sounding board and court of appeals as an adolescent and my mother in law and aunt ZL in a very acute way and my memories and hesped for my mom ZL was different than that of my siblings. I went back to work a month after the onset of the pandemic but work can be boring especially with our sector of the economy still not functioning except on a remote basis. 

Of course, I said a hesped, sat shivah , and fulfilled the  Halachos and Minhagim of Aveilus and have many memories of my mother ZL, and despite our differences, I miss her acutely as I do my mother in law and aunt ZL. Then in the same week after the hakamas hamatzevah for both my mom and my aunt ZL which were on the same day in the same Beis Olam but my siblings insisted on a separate set of remarks by me,  one of my closest friends was niftar at a young age, leaving an almanah and two children who had jsut completed their first year in learning in EY at yeshiva and seminary. I can't recall when I cried so hard at a levaya and served as a pallbearer.

I think that I have learned that it is best in life to look forward as opposed to improperly bearing grudges and  remembering  the bad aspects of family life, especially as I have a wonderful Eshes Chayil, great children ,  SILS who are like sons , beautiful eineklach, and amazing friends. Everything else in life is icing on the cake.