I very much appreciate everyone's kind replies.
The reason that I have not responded is that I do not always have private Internet access (which is just as well....) where I can feel comfortable to open up a GYE forum. ( A bit ironic, isn't it?? If my access is so limited, so how is it that I have messed up so often?)
I was pretty vague about my problem. It was quite an achievement for me to even register for the forum ( I backed out at the last minute a couple of times). I have never told anyone about my problem before!
I think that my story must me quite common.
As long as I can remember, I would look in magazines and newspapers lying around the house for any "interesting" pictures. I am not talking about pornography, but triggers and fantasy provoking pictures are plentifully found in the "respectable" Western media. This in time helped to create various fantasies and thoughts, which I would use for self stimulation and erections, although rarely Hz'l.
With time, as my Yiddishkeit strengthed, and I became more aware that all this was wrong, but I couldn't really stop it.
When the internet came along, I had another outlet. The first time I misused the internet was on that darkest of all days, עשרה בטבת. On the computer I was able to choose and search for "interesting" images, some of which I became obsessed with. None of these would be generally defined as pornography, (which by the way, I have always found disgusting to look at) This in turn would bring about more fantasies and obsessions, with occasional hz'l. I would use self stimulation to "unwind" or while revising for my college work, which I did not find very interesting. This was all while growing stronger in Torah learning and Mitzvo observance!
Eventually, after many battles, I decided that I had to "solve" the problem of my Yetzer by getting married. I found a wonderful girl, and we resolved to set up a Torahdik home, obviously without television, magazines, and internet. My "problem" did improve, but never really went away. If I would be alone in my parents' home, I would often "peek" at the old images, the old obsessive thoughts still came back, and deep down I still really wanted to see those immodest sights on the street.
So it went on for years. Several months could pass without illicit internet use, but when I would be alone with a computer even for a short time, I would stumble. At one point I would regularly have private internet access at work. This would happen at the worst time, exhausted in the middle of the night, when my defences would be at their lowest.
Eventually I decided that I could no longer fight, but just run away. So I gave up that job for another where I thought that I would not be alone. The trouble is that there too, I would "discover" ways to be alone. So I changed my place of work again, only to make the same "discovery". So guess what, I ran away again!
So in the next workplace, I no longer had an internet issue, but there significant immodesty around, which I always secretly hoped would come my way. So eventually I decided that this was not for me, so I started working ad hoc in an office where modesty would be preserved, making enquires in advance about internet access (I was assured that it was very powerfully limited, for professional sites only). So by now, you can guess what discovery I made next about the so called secure internet access!
After that, I changed work place again to be somewhere with minimum immodesty, even being careful how I travel in order to avoid improper sites while getting there. There too, I bumped into the internet again, sometimes taking big risks of being caught.
By then (last summer), I was really angry. What does Hashem want from me? I know that I cannot fight this Yetzer! So I do what the Gedolim have said, - avoid non secure internet at all costs! I lost count how many times I have run away from the internet! So why does Hashem keep on shoving it back in my face? Am I so bad?
One day, I had a ray of light, while in true darkness. I was busy looking at what I should not have been, sure that no-one was around. Eventually, I stopped, and literally a second later a curtain opened and somebody appeared. I was literally seconds away from being discovered, which would have caused me great embarrasment and Chilul Hashem. So may be Hashem did not hate me after all.
So I began thinking what Hashem did want from me. The GYE site helped me think that my true enemy was not lust at all. My true problems were my inner anger (almost always well controlled and suppressed), my ego, and my propensity for depression if things did not go as I planned. All my learning and avodah were not really for Hashem, they were for me.
All this was half a year ago. I continued to stumble, but I started to turn to Hashem in a different way. Instead of asking Hashem to give ME strength to fight me Yetzer, I would beg Hashem to save me, because I had no strength. I began to learn to nullify myself before Him.
After Yomin Noraim, I had a big lift, resolving never to let myself get depressed. I began to stumble again, and felt powerless. Then a thought came into my head (I think that it came from the GYE handbook). True, I cannot fight this, but can I not delay for ten minutes? I would even tell my Yetzer that in ten minutes, I would give in. This way, a would be doing my little puny effort, and Hashem would do the rest.
That day, I stumbled, but it was not the same. After that for fifty five days, I stayed clean, basically just by "delaying" my Yetzer. ( Well my Yezter lied to me so often, so why could I not get my own back?) Particularly poignant was עשרה בטבת, the anniversary of my first fall on the internet. Unexpectedly, I had private internet access, in the middle of night, exhausted. I snooped around, saw that there was no-one around, hesitated, and typed in "Yeshiva World News"! I came close to falling, but Hashem saved me. I was not safe, but there was a barrier between me and those images.
However, in these fifty five days, I was soft on mere thoughts, since these did not constitute "acting out". Eventually they got worse and worse, until eventually I broke, and my Yetzer tricked me into reading about all sorts of fantasies.
I felt really digusting after reading all this filth. I felt like such a low life. I felt like I was "A worm, not a man".
But I did not let this get me depressed as in the past. I realised that this was a precious moment. Just as Dovid Hamelech could say "I am a worm, not a man" he could say "I am prayer". So I prayed and nullified myself before Hashem as never before.
Of course, Hashem does not want us to be "worms". He created us "In a Divine Image". However, to reach this, we must bend down (as in Shmone Esrei), and "Hashem lifts up the bent". Then we shine, not from ourselves, but from Hashem. Tzadikim reach this throught contemplating the greatness of Hashem, and nullifying themselves before Him. We were shown do to this through our falls.
So I have started counting the ninety days again. This time I am trying to show Zero Tolerance to impure thoughts - for me they are like acting out. If one comes so I bite, pinch until it goes, and hum to myself "וטהר לבנו לעבדך באמת". Whichever way, I feel that I am in a much better position than before my fifty five days.
Some people may think that my problem is "minor". According to the standards of the depraved Western society, my behaviour is considered normal or even healthy. It has not obviously ruined my life. I am happily married, I love my children. I excel in work and in learning. However, for me this problem is like a dark cloud, making a mockery of all my so called spirituality. All of our Torah and Mitzvos are to make us into spiritual angelic but still human beings. So what is it all worth if deep down I am still longing for lust? So what if it is not pornography? As our Sages say, looking at a small finger for lust is like looking in the forbidden place! It is not what you look at, but what you are looking for!
So for me this is not a minor problem, but a very major one. In fact it is so major that this may be the reason that my soul was placed in this lowly world.
I was always told that we are in this world in order to perfect ourselves. May be this is true, but the only way that I can come close to this is to cling to Hashem in my state of Imperfection.
I know that I have written far too much for anyone to read. But at least I managed not to fall in the meantime!
