i started in 9th but that was only once. in 10th it got a little worse, by 12th i was addicted. now in 1st year beis medrash i still trying to stop every new set of 90 days at a time. during bin hazmaninm i was able to go 17 days and i really started thinking about it less but then on the last day (what i thought would be my last day of being able to get the stuff) i fell..

right after ban hazmanim i was really hoping to succeed. i got a new phone and i hot the app to block the brower and anything else, and i ask my parents to block it (they dont know about my addiction) because of a "yeshivah rule", but the didnt get to it and my first night back i fell again, finally i was able to get my rebbi to block it for me. i was going strong and i thought i was going to really be done. but i was wrong after 17 day i went to a relative house where i keep a computer ( my parent want it there for where they come on vacation) it has a filter that i installed ( and cant be uninstalled so i didnt need anyone to put a password) and was what i neededending up figuring a way around it and fell...

now a little less then two weeks later i fell again, however this time it was differnt, then right after bein hasmaninm, before i didnt really has the urge untill i the day i knew i was off and could go and then somthing happened i was down and fell, but this time i was thinking about it the whole time and it felt inevitable to fall and i fell...


i have though about going to a rebbi but i feel my image will be tainted i and just cant do it even though i probably need it... hopefully over time i might get my self to do it but i csnt right now.. i feel they might look at it the wrong way even though i know they wont... i am conflicted, before it was just me but now its on the forum so hopefully this will do some good it going forward...


i really want to change ( like many of us) but even after being connected to gye for like two years i havnt make real progress, i need chiuzik and evthing else good, thats y i decided to write whats happened lately, hopfully it would help.. what do u think????

welcome to the community,
the first thing i think is that a big reason why you haven't been able to succeed is because you didn't post yet, but that's over b"h so just keep on posting.

(this also applies to anyone reading this who hasn't posted yet, just do it and you won't regret it. money back guaranteed)

from what you're saying i don't actually think that you're addicted, just that like a healthy male you have a strong urge to do these things. i think this because it seems like you're able to control yourself most of the time and every once in a while you fall. not that it makes that much of a difference because you still have to stop, but it might be helpful to not see yourself as an addict. (if i'm wrong about this then please correct me)
if this is the case then it should be a lot easier for you to deal with this struggle.

about the first falls maybe you should try a taphsic to keep from falling.

also if the only thing you're doing is the 90 day chart and it hasn't been helpful maybe it isn't the right thing for you because it's taking away from the "one day at a time" feeling. (if you've been here two years you probably know what this is, if not ask and someone will explain it)

The last fall is something i know well, after thinking about falling for enough time we "realize" that it's only going to be a matter of time until we fall so we might as well get it over with and just do it now.
It is sheker from beginning to end, but it's very hard to get out of that thought process. what's been working for me so far is to avoid getting into that situation to begin with by stopping the whole process at the beginning when it's easiest, the way to do that is by simply thinking about something else, i personally use the blow it up method. at the beginning it's a bit difficult to tear yourself away from that sweet thought but eventually it becomes second nature and happens almost automatically.
If you're already past that stage of just thinking and now you're "sure" that you're going to fall then you have to realize that it isn't true and this is where a taphsic is very helpful because it forces you to take a little more time and hopefully you can distract yourself then.

i hope this helps, keep on posting.
we're all here for you

Welcome! Glad you decided to take the step of posting. I also didn't post for two years.

What I'm not hearing from you is what your plan for stopping is. It sounds like you're just going to fight really hard. This is easy when the temptations aren't handy. Perhaps you can commit more fully to staying sober. This might mean not going to the house where the computer is, or at least not in the room with it.

It would be hugely helpful to speak with a trusted rebbi. I guarantee your image will only be magnified in his eyes. (Why are people so concerned about their image anyway? What about the image that really counts? Who we really are. Our image in Hashem's eyes, and our true image in our own eyes.)

Even more important is to bring Hashem into the battle with you. Ask Him repeatedly for assistance. AS SOON as the first thoughts of lust or doing something come to mind, start davening, verbally surrendering the lust to Hashem and asking Him to take it from you. JUST FOR NOW, JUST FOR TODAY. Take it one day at a time. Stop counting. You just have to get through today.

Yasher koach for taking up the struggle,

Alex

sadkid wrote:

If you have a rebbi who you trust, please please please go and speak to him. I first told my rebbi in elul, and it's literally changed my life beyond recognition. I have someone who can help me, and support me every step of the way. I know it's awkward and embarrasing at the beginning, but I guarantee you that it's worth it! Just do it- tomorrow, after shacharis go and ask to speak to him. Please- it will help you beyond anything else you could do.
Anyway, welcome to the forum! Stick around- it's worth it!

Welcome sadkid!

Your rebbi has heard this dozens of times. He will not be surprised in the least. You are not the only one, far from it. Many struggle with this for decades. The sooner you get some help the better. Some people on this forum have been addicted for 20, 30, 40 years or longer. The sooner you get help, the easier it will be to break free. You may not even be addicted yet.

I hope you change your username soon to HAPPY KID!

Let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.

Welcome!

Dont worry everything will be A-OK

plenty of people have been there and have gotten out of your exact situation, I myself am IN that situation maybe a little different but very similar and I can hear myself speaking from your post. We all know the fear of opening up (even on a forum) (and our image being tainted ) its hard stuff. but what can you do you cant go on living like this.

allright, the thing is that moping doesnt help. It feels good to have alot of self pity, because then we get attention and people give us chizuk, but it took me some time to realize this and hopefully you will too.

(pause for emphasis)....

No-one ELSE can do for you what you need to do for yourself

im ein ani li mi li.
no ones going to fix you. we can help encourage push you in the right direction but no one can DO it for you.

So you need to accept that youll DO . (emphasis on DOING and not theorizing) whatever it takes to get better. for now it means making rules for yourself (that you WILL keep)

ex. no computer yichud. (thats such a simple one but it gets me every time)
no being depressed and alone.
playing sports
etc. look around youll find some good stuff here.

(how about no smartphone? oy! thats a hard one but hey your in yeshiva what exactly do you need to look up? you aint finding pshat in tosfos on google... maybe you will actually nvmnd)

Hatzlacha! dont be a sad kid be a HAPPY MAN
(please forgive the username catchy end line it was too easy, Ill try harder in the future.)

Your with friends here, youll be matzliach,

brov eitzah something something hatzala

DAVEN to HASHEM

thank you for everyone that has replied, besides the fact the feels good that other people are actually reading what i wrote but to take out the time to respond and wrote out (at length) what they think i should do.

many responded that i should go speak to a rebbi, i dont really feel close to any rebbi so i am not so comfortable going. hopefully in time, With God's help, i will be close to a rebbi and if i am still in this situation I will go talk about this issue. (hopefully by the time that comes i won't be in this same position).

since the last time i posted i almost fell (by this i mean almost M) i was going good the whole day, went to use my Family's computer< i didnt have an urge for anything, got back to yeshiva, once i got back that is when the yata harah came out, i started going throgh my phone seeing if i could get "not kosher" stuff though random app. i was able to and got some short stories and read for an hour and an half, i was about to M but i was able to stop my self before i did. i then realizing how crazy i was i deleted all similar app that i thought would be a problem, ( since i have a block on my app store i cant get them back, thank you venishmatem). i felt bad because i didnt knoe if that would count for the 90 (still not sure and still feel bad) how ever i kept to be clean and since then i havent had any really strong urges like before, but then still do come and i quickly try to get rid of them.

i think one reason i got into this is because i seem to always feel lonely ( i dont have any close friends just acquaintances) and therfore end up doning whatever i want form the self pity, so i try to just keep a postitive outlook on it. Not that i say i have friends but i say hashem just felt i didnt need it and therefore i dont have it, i have what i need. but still i get down... i am working on that as much i as am on lust and actting out.

i just want to mention that repiles rely help alot, i think it because i feel lonely but make me feel that there are other who realize i am them and then are coming to my fourm and helping me get though it, and even though they dont know me. so yashar choach....

i would like to post more and read other and maybe give them my two cent, but and far as i know this can only be done on a computer and i only get to a computer 1 every two week or so. (if the is an app or a way to email to the forum PLEASE tell me)

there is more to say but i dont have more time

also i lately i seem to not be getting the GYE emails anyone know why? i like them...

Hey Happy Kid! (sorry I just can't bring myself to call you sadkid.)

I think that the number 1 thing you can do for yourself right now is to make friends. It is EXTREMELY important to have friends (and a rebbi). Ta'avah thrives in isolation like mosquitos in a warm pool of water. I think it's a mistake to assume that "hashem just felt i didnt need it and therefore i dont have it".

Here are a couple of things to read that may be of interest to you.

I found this post from a while ago: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/115354-Home-of-Gibbor120?limit=15&start=225#132232 .

You might want to read this article from Dr Sorotzkin www.drsorotzkin.com/pdf/PSYCHOLOGICAL-FACTORS.pdf .

There is other good stuff on his site as well. You can click the link in my signature.

sadkid wrote:


Go to "tools" -> "Chizzuk Emails" and subscribe again, or email gye.help@gmail.com .

As I read your most recent post, I had basically the same thoughts as Gibbor.
Friendships take work. It means pushing yourself (and sometimes your prospective friend) to spend time together, talking about stuff and getting to know each other. Sometimes it's just about having fun together. Sometimes it's talking about more serious things.
Identify someone in your life who you think you might want as a friend and initiate a date to spend some time together. You can go for a walk, a hike, bike riding, pizza, whatever.

Don't feel so confident? Ask Hashem for help making friends. And while you're talking to Him, ask him to help you overcome this addiction. Read Dale Carnegie's classic, life-changing How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Real life is the antidote to addiction.

wow
"Real life is the antidote to addiction."

I think that that is a great sum up to everything over here. All the addiction and lusting and all that always seems to fly out the window when were involved in living in the now. Alex I really liked that.

Hi,

I can understand exactly how you feel as I am in an exactly the same situation as you! I am the age of second year beis hamedrash, I was acting out very badly during my last two years of yeshivah, I was spending my monthly spending that I was given by my parents on things wed rather not talk about. It came to a point where I couldnt go on anymore, I could not continue in Yeshivah so I wnet back to my hometown to find a job(thinking that would stop my acting out) after two months I clearly realised that Ii still was not coping, I started going for therapy and it has firstly helped me loads in the acting out, secondly it has helped me with my outlook, I.E I still have falls every so often, bur=t the way I come out of the fall is totally different than before ( I syill feel horrid) but its much easier for me to pick myself up! My advice to you is to go and see a therapist!!!!! It is not abadthing on the contarary, it shows you want to shteig, no body has to know you go, believe it or not my parents know i go to see a therapist they have know idea why, B'h I value my life and do not want to screw up when I get married, and fom the sound of things niether do you! Its a hard step to take but I am a year down the line now and it is the best thing I could have done! Feel free to message me at davewave2415@gmail.com. Hatlochoh rabboh!