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TOPIC: NEW JEW!!! 1021 Views

NEW JEW!!! 30 Apr 2013 18:50 #206243

  • YC
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Just new to this Forum Thread. Its been a rough 32 days. I started 100 days ago with no women, and that was a huge struggle for me because I have been exploting women for sex since I was 13. Not to say Im a bad guy or anything, I felt I had meaningful relationships with these women but in the end I realized I was only hurting them and mostly me. Like I said, I am 32 days on this site, which for me means no porn or masturbation. This is one level up from my 100 days clean from physical contact with the women available in my life through phone and facebook. 100 days ago I made a commitment no physical sex, no calling, texting or facebook with girls. No getting new phone numbers from girls or emailing even old girlfriends. The one month commitment took on a life of its own and now I am 100 days with my original commitment and have since progressed even further to becoming a memeber of this site for 32 days. My goal is to reach 90 days. I still think about masturbation, I mean its literally at my fingertips, it is so easy when I feel bad to want to get some pleasure, it was my friend for so long. Today I act like it doesnt exist. Its like I have no organ. I still have crazy fantasies about calling up girls that have been desperate to reach me and have them come over. I try to fight off temptations to go to the strip club which I pass by everday to work. Today, I changed my number, deleted my facebook, deleted all girls phone numbers and havent talked to any girl for 100 days. Its crazy though, I know how easy it would be for me to reach these girls I have made crazy dependent on me and manipulated. Im trying to do teshuva now this this is not an option. I have put internet filters on my work computer and Iphone, and disconnected the internet from my house. I am POWERLESS!!!! Its cool though because I made a decision to turn my will over to G-D and I ask him everyday for one more day, but its still difficult because my relationship and relaince fades in and out with G-D. When I get lonely and depressed I know how vulnerable I am. I am desperatley trying to protect my eyes from the streets but I feel like a creep, taking second and third looks, staring into the fantasies of pleasure. Today I say the first ones on G-D the second is on me. I hope to get to a point where I cease fighting and its not so obnoxious, but sometimes I get excited and want to act out. I have random thoughts of explict memories, and even worse forbidden explorations that have given me a rush of excitment and exzillariton like the darkest side of sex. I realize my bottom is endless and I am not protected at all from this grossness. I want to be holy, pure and able to hold a child or look at my mother without feeling uncomfortable. I want to get married and not treat her like an animal, fulfilling my ravaging animal passion filled with almost anger. I want to be humble and sweet bringing G-D into the picture of my organs he has created for procreation. But I am taking it one day at a time. And today is a success, I have updated my 90 day chart, I am not RED, and I have asked G-D for help, reached out to this Forum and 32 closer to 90 and 32 further from my old life. If you have read this please reach out, for I truly do feel alone.
Last Edit: 30 Apr 2013 21:38 by YC.

Re: 32 Days Crazy 30 Apr 2013 19:06 #206245

  • gibbor120
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Hi YC and WELCOME! You are not alone. You have come to the right place and it seems like you have already accomplised quite a lot! But... there is no end to the work, and we need to constantly be on guard.

Keep posting. Nice to have you on board!

Re: 32 Days Crazy 30 Apr 2013 20:29 #206263

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Thanks. It hard to stay out of my head. I have a constant desire and an ongoing memory loss of all the hard work thus far. Thanks for reaching out

Re: NEW JEW!!! 30 Apr 2013 23:54 #206291

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Congratulations on your first post!!!! Your stories inspirational And I congratulate you on your 32 days And your 100 plus days. It's a inspiration as u know I'm new here and very far behind u in some ways and reading your story gave me hope. Hatzlachah and keep on posting brother

Re: NEW JEW!!! 01 May 2013 09:14 #206315

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Wow, Yehoshua Calev, what a powerful story. You are a real man. It's great to have you on the site.
The Blind Beggar is a character in Rebbe Nachman's story of the Seven Beggars.
If I view a woman as an object, I am powerless over lust, but I don't have to look.
I can guard my eyes.
I want to guard my eyes.
I do guard my eyes.
Why do I say these four lines?

Re: NEW JEW!!! 01 May 2013 17:22 #206325

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A real man? Im not so sure about that. I am very confused about what my real path is and how I should proceed. All I know at this point is that I commitment myself to 90 days and I hope with G-Ds help I can do that

Re: NEW JEW!!! 02 May 2013 10:46 #206428

  • Blind Beggar
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A real man is someone who can have a dozen women wanting to have him and he says, "No!"
By that definition I am a cucumber and Hashem has not sent me a nisoyon like that.
The Blind Beggar is a character in Rebbe Nachman's story of the Seven Beggars.
If I view a woman as an object, I am powerless over lust, but I don't have to look.
I can guard my eyes.
I want to guard my eyes.
I do guard my eyes.
Why do I say these four lines?

Re: NEW JEW!!! 02 May 2013 15:40 #206436

  • Oyyvey27
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Blind Beggar wrote:
A real man is someone who can have a dozen women wanting to have him and he says, "No!"
By that definition I am a cucumber and Hashem has not sent me a nisoyon like that.


Very true and id like to second that!!!!
YC by the way I just realized why you picked the name YehoshuaCalev and its very appropriate just like them you are able to stand back, go AGAINST the flow and everything around you. you yes you my friend is a very strong and powerful individual Much hatzlacha and keep on posting!

Re: NEW JEW!!! 02 May 2013 20:48 #206472

  • AlexEliezer
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YC you're doing mighty work by surrendering your taivos to the One who is truly mighty.
You are clearly committed and have the makings of a workable plan. I was tormented by intrusive fantasies when I first entered sobriety. B"H they're less frequent and less intense now, and more easy to surrender and move on.

What I'm not hearing is any positive steps you are taking. Steps that don't have to do with the taivos, but rather with putting together a real life to replace the fantasies and superficial relationships.

Re: NEW JEW!!! 03 May 2013 19:58 #206545

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Thank you guys so much, it feels nice to hear other people recognizing my hard work. I realize that just abstinence is no match for my powerlessness. Just some things that are working for me include, every morning I get on my knees and I ask G-D to allow me to stay sober from my lust addiction for one more day, including my addiction to alcohol. Also, I have been working with a sponsor through the 12 steps and I have completed the 12 steps and have had a spiritual awakening. The hard part is keeping the contact with my creator, and recently I have decided to take this sobriety thing one step further and include sex addiction. Now, I have merged my powerlessness from alcohol and sex into one and I am trying to use the same tools I have been somewhat successful for the last 14 months with alcohol and drugs to sex. With alcohol I go to AA meetings and call people on a daily basis but as of now my only connection to other Jewish Sex addicts is this site. I have committed to the 90 day chart and I started posting on this forum, I try to play basketball and work out at the gym, I eat food and try to find pleasure in it. And recently I have been working really hard trying to connect with other Jews in recovery to build friends and have fun because I don't feel I relate to the non-Jews so much in recovery, there is a clear difference between is because I wear a kippa and keep the commandments, they just don't understand my more complicated path, I hope that helps explain more of my Journey Alex.

YC

Re: NEW JEW!!! 03 May 2013 21:30 #206564

  • inastruggle
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WOW!
i have to agree with everyone else, you are a real gibbor
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