Just new to this Forum Thread. Its been a rough 32 days. I started 100 days ago with no women, and that was a huge struggle for me because I have been exploting women for sex since I was 13. Not to say Im a bad guy or anything, I felt I had meaningful relationships with these women but in the end I realized I was only hurting them and mostly me. Like I said, I am 32 days on this site, which for me means no porn or masturbation. This is one level up from my 100 days clean from physical contact with the women available in my life through phone and facebook. 100 days ago I made a commitment no physical sex, no calling, texting or facebook with girls. No getting new phone numbers from girls or emailing even old girlfriends. The one month commitment took on a life of its own and now I am 100 days with my original commitment and have since progressed even further to becoming a memeber of this site for 32 days. My goal is to reach 90 days. I still think about masturbation, I mean its literally at my fingertips, it is so easy when I feel bad to want to get some pleasure, it was my friend for so long. Today I act like it doesnt exist. Its like I have no organ. I still have crazy fantasies about calling up girls that have been desperate to reach me and have them come over. I try to fight off temptations to go to the strip club which I pass by everday to work. Today, I changed my number, deleted my facebook, deleted all girls phone numbers and havent talked to any girl for 100 days. Its crazy though, I know how easy it would be for me to reach these girls I have made crazy dependent on me and manipulated. Im trying to do teshuva now this this is not an option. I have put internet filters on my work computer and Iphone, and disconnected the internet from my house. I am POWERLESS!!!! Its cool though because I made a decision to turn my will over to G-D and I ask him everyday for one more day, but its still difficult because my relationship and relaince fades in and out with G-D. When I get lonely and depressed I know how vulnerable I am. I am desperatley trying to protect my eyes from the streets but I feel like a creep, taking second and third looks, staring into the fantasies of pleasure. Today I say the first ones on G-D the second is on me. I hope to get to a point where I cease fighting and its not so obnoxious, but sometimes I get excited and want to act out. I have random thoughts of explict memories, and even worse forbidden explorations that have given me a rush of excitment and exzillariton like the darkest side of sex. I realize my bottom is endless and I am not protected at all from this grossness. I want to be holy, pure and able to hold a child or look at my mother without feeling uncomfortable. I want to get married and not treat her like an animal, fulfilling my ravaging animal passion filled with almost anger. I want to be humble and sweet bringing G-D into the picture of my organs he has created for procreation. But I am taking it one day at a time. And today is a success, I have updated my 90 day chart, I am not RED, and I have asked G-D for help, reached out to this Forum and 32 closer to 90 and 32 further from my old life. If you have read this please reach out, for I truly do feel alone.
