Hi

Help me, I am desperate.

I am a baal teshuvah and became frum around 10 years ago.

I gradually realised I had to change some of my habits and over time I worked hard on this. I managed to stay clean entirely from June 2006 to July 2008.

Then I fell and basically wrestled with this for another couple of years falling, doing teshuvah and falling again. I tried all kinds of stupid nedarim which I had to get annulled. I managed to get myself together and was clean from Dec 2011 to November 2012.

Since then though I have struggled to get much beyond a month.

I don't understand it. I hate acting out. It brings me nothing but misery and I don't enjoy it. When I am clean, I can genuinely feel a different level of happiness.

So why am I still falling?

I fell last night and this has to be it. I can't carry on like this I need to change now. I can't bear the misery. It causes physical pain, emotional pain, it wastes my time, it makes me totally exhausted as I stay up late acting out and then can't sleep as I'm so depressed after. I end up getting three or four hours sleep.

I am not capable of being a good husband and father. Help me.

Any time frame which you mentioned over there- even just the "4 week one" is longer than any stretch that I ever had since my addiction started, so kol hakavod!

Any one on the journey to recovery who can give this guy some chizuk??

Stay strong!

you are falling because you are an addict - this is to be expected.addicts do things that hurt themselves.the good news is that you are seeking help.healing takes time - a lot of time, depending on how sever the addiction is and depending on how long the addicitve behaviors have been going on.so calm down.number 2 - you're not alone. we're all struggling.that's nother reason to stay calm.in my mind, being desperate does NOT help you, it only pushes you further down.this does NOT mean the behaviors are acceptable - but it DOES mean that we don't kill ourselves over it.more later.
jack

Welcome to the club!!
and congrats on all those times you were able to stay clean!!
You're looking for help should be the biggest chizuk for you as it shows you really care and are ready to work on it. you should read the GYE Handbook if you havn't already, it has loads of top notch info and tips.
Chazak V'ematz, we're all with you!!

Hi Levi - WELCOME! You have come to the right place. We're all in the same boat. Stick around, read the handbook etc. There are tools here to help you, and a great chevra too!

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

thanks very much all.

What is strange is the power the yetzer hora has. I know, because I can feel it so clearly, that my happiness is at its greatest when I am clean. And yet somehow, when I feel on top of the world, I then stumble. I am desperate to conquer this though. I want to be a good yid and a proper eved Hashem.

there is a tosofos yom tov somewhere in pirke avos that asks the following question: how can you even think that the kohen gadol can have keri after spending a whole week in kedusha v'tahara? the answer is that when a person reaches the highest, it is then that the other yetzer pokes up its head. the same is true of the opposite.when a person is dying, and the satan is winning, the yetzer tov wakes up and the person has a sudden burst of energy.did you ever see this? i did.
jack

welcome kol hakavod u were sober for a mounth get on the 12 step program jion a phone confrence u work it works

here are some questions Test Yourself


1.Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
2.That you'd be better off if you didn't keep “giving in”?
3.That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
4.Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
5.Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
6.Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?
7.Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
8.Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
9.Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
10.Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
11.Do you keep going from one “relationship” or lover to another?
12.Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
13.Do you have a destructive need—a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
14.Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
15.Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
16.Do you lose time from work for it?
17.Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
18.Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
19.Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?

ask yourself if you truly don't want it,
sometimes we have to beg the Lord to not want it, and sometimes we need to beg to not want to want it etc... (i realized with myself that i LIKE the high it brings , so maybe I do want it, but I don't want to want it, and my job is to Beg the Lord to make me want HIS CLOSENESS and remove all the things in the way!

strength to you Brother!

Welcome from a fellow U.K. struggler.