Hi everyone i am not sure how to begin i have a long story i am now almost 40 years old and i have been addicted to p--rn and mas---tion since i turned 13 or 14 my high in my high school years i was mast--ing every nigh sometime twice or more. i went to yeshiva adn there sliped out to buy p--rn and went to the video booths and even hired a prostitute twice. i tried to stop again and again but couldnt. i got married and kept this part of my life completly secret from my wife and of course my children, then came the internet and hours and hours of time with it. about a year and a half ago my wife found some p--rn that i accedentaly downloaded and confroned me. i told her i did occasionaly use it but its not a real problem - i took advantage of gye and realy thought i had a handle on it the first 90 days clean were the worst but i started working out and got through them. it wasn't enough i kept thinking that i was in control i slipped and fell time and again. then i finaly was clean in the summer for several months and i got cocky and said i have this beaten. i read the emails every day i have filters and stay away from tempting places. then i fell once. then i had a trip and hired a prostitute again - long story short today my wife and i are going to get tested for stds.

i am in - im an addict i cant stop it myself i believe that the 12 steps are the only way to stop. i also know i need psyciatric attention to help with the root causes. i am going to an sa meeting tomorrow and as soon as its 9am here calling drs for an appointment. i have read the book and was moved by it but i have some questions and some fears.

1- i want to believe that i cant control this - i know i cant but i dont know if i feel that
2- as my wife said i sound just a cocky now as when i tried to quit before. i feel it too.

how do i make that leap from knowing to feeling?

also dov if your out there - pls send me an email privatly

Hi.

I really like your name. (purim theme, by any chance...? )

My experience is that i have to take the actions of recovery, even when i don't "feel".

The feelings usually do follow.

Hatslocho raboh.

Please keep on sharing.

i hope so because i know in my mind what is going to happen if i dont stop

Quite right.

And i have to keep that knowledge fresh in my mind every single day. Otherwise my feelings/my addiction will take over.

This is a step 1.

I practise this by verbalising this to another person every morning.