Its very hard to control what to do?

Why do you want to control what to do, chaver?

What specifically are you looking to your control?

What's the point of control? Who needs the headache of having to control?

"You can be in control when you stop controlling". Surrender and you are fully in recovery with Hashem's help.

What to control.....u know this is the first site i hav seen that even doesn't wishes to say those slang M***, P*** and S***. Its wonderful but the problem is how hard i try i am unable to control myself. It seems that something bad in me is driving me to those things, sometimes i try hard and stop it, but when external disturbances come....who has control on it?
I am such a fool...i can talk long on this topic without giving you the reason of doing it.
How can i say something personal in this forum....is it allowed...i am a newbie....21yrs old.....trying from last 5-6years to stop it.........oh [removed] smebdy help me.......i am drowning! I am continuously failing in my college courses, i have even broken and thrown my laptop but still acting out using my friends laptop. I want to be career oriented but nothing seems working......Would you like to be my Mentor.....one became my mentor named"nederman" but left i do not know why....!

Welcome.

Did you used to post under a different name, by any chance?

i am drowning! I am continuously failing in my college courses, i have even broken and thrown my laptop but still acting out using my friends laptop

break it too!

and you aint got something bad inside

you got a yetzer hara (like me and some others) which was sent from god to be your personal trainer, meaning he tels you *Hey! how about ____ or _____? and you say "Heck no!" and you get that much stronger and you keep on doing and sometimes he hits you good, but you get back up and start saying no! again (yes i no its tough, but "one day at a time"

Cheers!

For G-d's sake, relax control guy. You are a geshmakeh guy even if you do the stuff you are terrified about - for at least here you are reaching out like you never did before for help! Hashem must be filled with nachas about that, no? Whatever you are gonna end up doing again if you 'drown' - is it any worse really than whatever you have been doing lately? So you masturbate yourself again - why is this time of all the 1000 times before it soooo tragic? Yes, of course you hate it and feel you need to stop! That's great! But getting frantic about it is not going to help you. You are feeding right into the insanity of pretending that the "external disturbances" are like gods with immense power over you. Gevalt. Calm down. You are just a guy with a problem that needs help...unless you can stop on your own - but you say you can't. That's 100% fine. You are just like a lot of others here. So relax, there is plenty help.

If it is so, so bad and you are 'drowning, chaver, then please tell me: what are you willing to do, to stop?

Can you start to get real here by at least using your normal, real first name instead of some fake name? My name is Dov. My wife calls me Dov and so does practically everybody else who knows me. That is a fine place to start, I think.

You see, just talking about our yetzer hora or our masturbation or our porn does very, very little. For, our porn and masturbation are basically all the same! Blah, blah, blah, all the same drinking. Rather, recovery from this mess begins when we start getting real about ourselves. From being honest about ourselves with other (safe) people, we learn how to start being honest with ourselves.

Guess why getting real about just a first name is the very last thing that guys who do not get better are so terrified to do?

I doubt the one thing that will save you right now is 'a mentor' - I think the place to start is to find safe people to get open and directly honest with. That is the start.

And that is what this forum is. You can make safe relationships here and using your first name is OK - unless it is "Shuldeenomish," or something like that...


But first, r e l a x . . .

Dov
Is it ok now, i have given the true details of mine.

"If it is so, so bad and you are 'drowning, chaver, then please tell me: what are you willing to do, to stop?"
That is the problem, i do not know what to do in order to stop myself from acting out, i journal myself, get the knowledge required to stop myself but after few days i come to repeat the same things!
I am frantic because its high time and i need to focus on many things that are pending in my life, my parents money in my studies, the competition to get a job in order to serve them, my sister's marriage that requires monetary fund, there is no one to take the responsibility. Of course my father is there but he has been working hard in order to complete my studies and someone is required to support him! I am there but at last comes to be of no use.
I relax but sometimes when there is a need to fulfill the desires, the expectations(that a parent expects from his child) and I do not just pass in my courses(in college), where remains the expectations. I get proved to be no more than a BS! Its a tragic for me my family.
What do I do now?
There are chances that I will be able to resolve my work and my attitude but 50-50chances are there, if I go on doing this filthy thing that takes my brain out from my body then i will end up like a jerk....never be able to face my parents again...this is high time i need to stop it, i will do what ever is required....I just need a guide, mentor a person/system that can successfully show me the way, i will walk on it myself and get out through this internal fighting and face the real worlds challenge.
Please show me the steps, i am unable to understand this site, I saw the '1st time here' way but how? I joined the 90 day challenge, forum, i do not have a computer to install filter, What should i follow day by day, week by week, month by month and lastly my dream year by year?
Sorry to making u read such a long story but its inside me from 6 years...said to no one, kept it secret till now but i do not want any secrets.

Dear chaver,

I hope you can accept all I write here as my own painfully-learned reflection on what you wrote, and not as anything like criticism - for I have no criticism of you at all. I am no better than you in any respect, that's for sure. But I am sober, b"H, and have b"H suffered enough, apparently. So here goes:

You wrote it all right there: "It is a tragedy for the family...I am willing to do anything..."

- But then you write: "i will walk on it myself and get out through this internal fighting and face the real worlds challenge."

You are definitely on the right track that opening up to other safe people is essential - but you seem to be focusing on the idea that you need someone to tell you how to control it, and to give you information for how to finally succeed.

- But you already wrote that you have tried suff that works for a while, "get the knowledge required to stop myself but after few days i come to repeat the same things!" So you have learned that information is not what you need. Information does not work. Self-knowledge does not work. You yourself have discovered this already, you write...so why do you seek more "information"?

It is not a person that you need, nor is it information. What you need is to start behaving differently yourself by quitting the isolation and hiding that is the basis and food for your problem habit. It is not about what you are not doing - it is about what you are doing.

So far, you are doing one thing consistently (and it has failed you): you have tried to "walk on it myself". This is just more hiding, more isolation, and more self-trust. You trust yourself? You - the fox - will take lessons in how to guard the henhouse? I don't think so...

You have been willing to do everything but to get honest with other safe people about everything you are doing and stay that way one day at a time. But being 'honest' just with yourself is just not real. For you were the guy watching yourself when you masturbated yourself all those times, when you sat and watched porn for hours and hours, and while you were doing all sorts of things 'you do not believe are right'. So? What did 'you' do, to you? What did 'you' think of you? Do you really care that 'you' were watching? Apparently you are numb to 'you'. Somehow, doing all those self-destructive things was just a game - it was [b]just not real enough[/b].

Well, the reason people (maybe you?) are so determined to do this on our own and not to be known by a real (safe) person or a group of real (safe) people is simply because that would make it way too real. So people here use fake first names, on a virtual network, and ask for advice hiding behind all that fakeness just so they can remain 'safe'. Safe from what? Safe from really facing themselves.

So....

You are a geshmakeh yid and a great person taking some real big steps here. And I suggest that if your porn and lust problem is as desperate as you say it is, then find safe people - real people - to open up to and choose a different derech of doing. The advice or knowledge they give you is not important thing. The turning your own back on the hiding and faking is the important thing. If you keep doing that, you will be OK be"H. Without that sacrifice of pride and fear, I doubt that even Hashem helps at all.

Never five up if you wana email me, yakovplsgod@gmai
.com

Yakovplsgod wrote:

True, very nice - but exactly what are you telling this guy to "never give up"? That is the missing ingredient. Practically every guy here has been here pouring out his heart about fighting, fighting, and fighting and never giving up. And some of them are pretending to do Hashem's Will while they are violating their wives' trust more and more deeply. When we start with the porn and sex with ourselves, then move to chatrooms and sex by phone and by video, we have devastated our wives whether they know it or not. So may end up with prostitutes - good, good guys. And the feeling is the same as snatching the little fix with the porn. But even for these - no, davka for these, well-meaning people say, "Keep fighting! Don't give up! Sheva yipol tzaddik!", right? "Hashem loves your struggle, even if you fail - it is kodesh kadoshim to Him! Keep on fighting!"

Fighting for what?

They (we) are fighting to stay secret. They (we) are alone in a crowd. They (we) are struggling to hide the real truth from anyone real in their lives, lest we really have to do something about it that is real. Their (our) struggle is not kodesh kadoshim, but rather a struggle to be saved from humiliation above all else...even above stopping.

I am sure you are a holy Jew, and the words you write here are true and good. But please consider the language the truly depraved, sex-addicted fellow is using to interpret your words. To the average yeshivah/chassidishe guy who has been sweatily sneaking into the bathroom with a dirty, sweet, and precious fantasy the just got from the internet, to have sex with himself and 'just get over with this bitter fight with my yetzer hora!', the words, "Keep fighting!" may be the very worst thing he can do. Fighting is great, and most people (Jew or non-Jew) who use porn sometimes and even masturbate sometimes are surely not addicts - but some are. And they cannot "just keep fighting." For they know fighting all too well: but they have always been fighting for the wrong thing.

They need to be allowed to give up the fight completely, accept the sad truth that they have been beaten and it is over - and to learn how to use the Ribono shel Olam, for a change.

sweet!
I think fighting direct is very difficult, and is ort of like keeping your finger in the dike holding back the ocean, but if you can tell the guy to fight different battles (figure out what is the gorem to the gorem ie. staying late in the office after everybody is gone) then try to be cunning and head that off (ie. I recently made kabolah for this week to not be online after 4 pm since the office closes @ 5 i can go into shutdown mode and leave with the whole crew and not needlessly expose myself to extra oppurtunities, or another issue I have is with shemirat eynayim in the mikkie, instead of fighting not to look, i recently made a kabola to leave my glasses outside with my other stuff (the fight isn't head on)
and never give up
meaning no matter how low you think you are or how lost,
remember that Hashem is you loving Tatty and he can help you, yer not alone
ask to help
ask him to help you ask him for help
ask him for dailey hugs and recognizance of his hasgacha.