(Oh man, I can't believe I'm actually going to talk about this)

As I type this alone in an empty house, my Neshama cries inside me "Why didn't you do this earlier?". So much misery, so much batala, so much waste, so many years...

I am a 17-year old American bachur in Israel (moved here 6 years ago) who is trying to break free.
I remember back in the "innnocent days", when I was about 12, I would be sitting down by the laptop and a thought would just flit through my mind, but I would toss it, knowing (I'm what might be called a computer geek) very well that every page is recorded in the browser's history.

Then it happened.

I pushed some button and a list of all the history entries popped up. From the look of it I knew that it was editable. All the red lights and sirens started going off in my head, my heart started pounding, and I remember my exact thought:

OH NO

I avoided the computer for some time, but the temptation became too great.

At first I was just looking up (relatively) innocent things on Wikipedia. Then my Bar Mitzvah came and i stopped for quite a while. But I kept bouncing back. Then I was looking at more explicit stuff on Wiki, but n real p**n. It was at least a year like this, with a firm kabbala to avoid all other websites.

Clearly it hasn't worked.

What else is there to tell? I started missing school (8th grade), claiming I was waking up late, and instead be in the basement with a laptop. I started staying up late, sneaking around the house at 1 in the morning for my fix, and then legitimately waking up late. Real late. Far too late. Like, 1:00 PM late.

My rabbeim were annoyed, my father bought alarm clock after alarm clock, but to no avail.

I moved on to Yeshiva Ketana (I held back to learn well enough to get in, then continued).
I made kabbalos, I read about the severity of this aveira. I cried, I davened, but nothing helped.
I made nedarim on Yom Kippur and Hoshana Rabba, but no dice. Didn't work either.
I made a neder that for every fall I would give 200 shekel (about $50) to tzedaka. I now owe 2200 shekel, since Sukkos, and counting.

Recently there was that big Kenes at Cityfield, or whatever it was called. I saw people laughing, deriding, saying that people need more Yiras Shamayim, that's all. But I knew how right the Gedolim were (are). I'm considered a chashuv bachur, with middos, and all that. If I'm caught, how many others of our poor brothers are infected by this horrible plague?

The Shabbos afterward, someone brought up the topic at the day meal. These were my father's words on why we have no filter:

"I trust you guys".

I wanted to yell "(WITH ALL DUE RESPECT) THAT'S IDIOCY! WE ALL HAVE OUT YETZER HARAS, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR G-D GIVEN MIND??? IF YOU HAD A FILTER ON, WHO KNOWS WHO I MIGHT BECOME! WHO KNOWS IF MY BROTHERS WILL BE ENSNARED? WHERE IS OUR OBEDIENCE TO "LO SAVI TOEVAH EL BEISECHA"???"

But I couldn't. I cannot blow cover. If I'm found out, my reputation will be completely carpet-bombed. I would be seriously tempted to jump off a roof in despair.

Now I'm here. Where should I start?

start at the beginning.dont start at the end or the middle.the very beginning.take slow steps.S-L-O-W. dont take TOO long, though.even though it says in devarim it took the bnai yisrael 40 years to chap the musar from their rebbe. but 40 years is a bit too long.for me, though, it might just take that long....but you're young.grab the bull by the horns now, dont wait till you're 48 to start, like i did.
hatzlacha, jack

Hi Tahor, welcome!

You already started, you're here!

The first and most important thing should be to get your computer filtered, if it isn't already. If it's your parents' computer and you need to have them do it, maybe you can show them some of the letters from Gedolim about the importance of filtering and explain that you're trying to "upgrade" your Kedusha. They don't need to know you already have a problem.

Look around the site and read the handbooks and forum posts, you will find many methods for dealing with this depending on the severity of your issues.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome to the club TN,

Your writing is quite articulate, especially for a 17 year old (really).

We are all here for the same reason and find chizuk when we share our experiences together (both, successes and learning experiences)


TahorNigun wrote:


Was that their only response? Your Rabbeim were annoyed and your father bought you a few alarm clocks? Why didn't they suspect anything more than you becoming a late riser?


TahorNigun wrote:

Why does your father trust you? does he trust you with other sensitive/critical things?

TahorNigun wrote:

Dude, I totally know the feeling
TahorNigun wrote:

Are you gonna wait until you get caught?
TahorNigun wrote:

Start Here; The welcome packet for newcomers guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/101129-Welcome-Package-for-Newcomers

Tip: Read the handbook

Hatzlocho!

Eli

Hi and welcome!
your story is very much like many stories of people here. that is a good thing. because no matter how much it seems that you are alone and no one can understand you and how it seems like you might be the worst guy who lived since Benedict Arnold, that is not true.
did you read the GYE handbook? you can access it here: guardyoureyes.com/ebooks
along with many other great writings.
another idea which should help you a lot is to talk to a mentor you trust. a rebbe or mashgiach that you have a kesher with. contrary to popular opinion the urge for lust is not a new idea invented in 2005. it's been around for a really long time. and i am sure that he has had his own struggles with it at some point.
wishing you much hatzlocha
zs

welcome. ive been struggling with this issue with differing levels of severity since i was a preteen. im now 26. the earlier you start on recovery the better so good for you that you are starting now. for me one of the biggest boosts i got from joining this site is knowing that i am not alone. i knew this intellectually but not on an emotional level. knowing that there are other people who can relate to what im going through and that by taking the right steps this is something that can be overcome helps give me hope when the temptation seems overpowering.
hang in there and hatzlacha rabba

Welcome Home!!
I had an extremely similar experience, started Bar Mitzvah time and got worse. i learned how to get passed filters, hide history, etc.
You might want to read The First Day of the rest of My Life (can be found in the articles section, I found it extremely insightful and it had a lot of answers to questions i've been wondering.
Hope you find what works for you!!
Hatlacha!!

Welcome.

I remember that bitter loneliness, the burden of the pain is simply too heave to carry. I still suffer tremendously, but since I found GYE I know that there is hope, mamny more were in similar situations and found help.

Just keep on moving, if you are committed to getting free you will get there eventually, start from the bottom and move up, if one thing isn't enough then you move on to the next.

I'm sort of jealous that you found this site at age 17, I didn't get into recovery until 23, all those wasted, painfull years... But Hashem runs the world, not me, and that's a good thing.

Hatzlochoh!!!

Chaim

chaimcharlie wrote:


...and I'm jealous that you started finding help at 23, I'm 35 and just started about four months ago

but as the old adage goes, "Don't cry over spilled ____" (feel free to fill in the black with whatever you prefer.

reallygettingthere wrote:


And I found this place at 45 and there are plenty guys even older. It's never too late!

try this one out - i just heard of a pedophile (no - not me) who, after losing his family, started recovery at 60!! yes 60! he's now 84!!and i know he's real because i spoke to him on the phone.

Welcome!
I was at it for over 30 years before I realized there was something wrong with me. B"H I found this site almost 4 years ago and, using what I learned here, together with much tefilah and s'yata d'shmaya, I have managed to remain free. I'm still tempted plenty, but I start davening as soon as I feel I'm being attacked. I do my part with strict, aggressive shmiras eynayim, guarding my mind from fantasies, and not toying with danger.

Which brings me to a thought. Do you really need to be on the computer altogether? Ideally, you need a long break from the laptop. If you must be on the computer to type stuff for school, that doesn't mean you need to be on the internet. For you, once you're alone with unfiltered internet, you're sunk. That's where it has to start. You simply can't let this situation happen. Your Y"H will give you a million new excuses why you need to be on the computer and the internet. If you must be on, make a geder that you will only be on in the main family area when someone can see the screen. And stick to this commitment. No quick exceptions. Ironclad commitment.

I admire your interest in stopping. You see how this is clipping your potential. It can be a yerida l'tzorech aliyah if you make it so!

Hatzlocha!

Alex

welcome i think u should share it with ur rov or masgich as i dont think all phone confrences are sutib and as someone else wrote why do u need a computer at all filter smilter they all have loopholes need to stop feeding it at all and is internet ur only way of acting out?