Hi,

I just reached a milestone birthday and realized half my life is probably over...if it ended tomorrow could I look my creator in the "eyes"?

A little back ground...

Grew up modern orthdox....very outgoing....popular...married an amazing girl whom I love very much...successful career...god has blessed me with so much. I hate myself for not being able to control this. I have been struggeling with this since 13 years old....was told as a kid perfectly normal healthy. After I went to Israel and got more serious about my Yiddishkeit realized how wrong it is. I cant understand why I cant beat this. Any other challange I put in front of me I can accomplish.

The second after realease I get a sick feeling in my stomach of why have I slippted again. It is a momentary feeling of pleasure and then have to live with the consequences for theday/week/month...life.

I have stoppted some of the triggers using the method of swearing to put x amount of time before looking at porn...but find ways around this walls I put up. Each time I try to put a new wall up.

Someone help me beat this!!!!

Nachshon Ben Ami

Welcome Nachshon BA!

As you can see, we're all in the same boat, more or less. If we stick together, we have greater chances of succeeding. So please stick around and hopefully you will be among the many many (myself included) who thank the day they joined GYE.

The following post of mine from this morning may apply to you as well.

Machshovo wrote on 12 Oct 2012 14:03:

You are not alone and you are in the company of many people like yourself who are growth-minded but are struggling.

You need to believe that you can find a solution so when you do find the solution that works for you, the yetzer hora won't convince you that it's not worth trying.

I've been on this forum for only a few days so I'm not the one to give guidance but you will find many tzaddikim here who will help you. Spend some time reading the threads chronicling their struggles and triumphs. You will inevitably find some who's problem seem worse than yours and you will tell you self, and "if he can deal with this, so can I"

Chazak!

Eli

dear nachshon, you already have taken the 1st step - admitting that you have a challenge.the next step? post here and get someone who is sober that you can speak to and will not judge you and understands your struggle.after that? who knows..
but know this - it isn't easy to break this habit (not impossible either). you will have falls.just get back up.push yourself just a little at a time.maybe for one minute for starters.then work your way up.all success!!

jack

Thank You for your kind words and encouragement

I have to take responsiability for my actions....I felt for a long time if no one knows about it am I really hurting anyone? Easy to think God is busier with more important matters than my masterbation....

I briefly broached the topic with my wife...she is such a kind and caring person I dont want to reveal too much (both because I am not proud of what I have done...and 2 I dont want to hurt her).

She does not have the same needs as I do. I believe because I have viewed porn and some extreme things I have changed/reset the expectations in my mind...not explaining myself well....feel like similar to a drug addict that goes from weed to opiods to heroin....I have passed the weed and opiod stage due to the material I have seen...making it difficult for normal relations with my wife to meet these new needs I created (God that is so sad....just reading what I wrote).

My story is a bit more complicated will post more about teh "unique" challanges I face...hard to let it all out at once.

Tring to digest the material here...will give my all to break this

Dear Nachshon,
Even though I don't know you, I feel such pride in your steps towards recovery.
I know it is supremely difficult to climb out of the hole of porn and masturbation.
We are here for you.

Wow I remember not being able to write posts, Its hard but you stick around and the relief that youll experience from opening up is really amazing. The step number one is to read the handbook and from what the married people here say, dont open up to your wife right away! first deal with the issue and then you consult with someone, maybe someone from the forum. but dont just run right into it.

Keep Going!

Learn from every slip and fall you make. It took me a long time to realize I cant use my computer alone at 11pm-1 am.(crazy no) I would be on "just to surf" etc. check my mail and that was it. So like Elyah said when he quoted his sponsor in his big book thread. "Become more aware of your motives and perceptions"

READ the HANBOOK
STAY connected on the forum
SEE how it goes
ADJUST any breaches in the fence

HATZLACHA!!!!!! Im so happy for you that your taking the first step and posting here even though its so hard

I really appreciate the kind words from all...it is so refeshing to be able to talk about this.

I made it 48 hours...kind of sad that is an accomplishment. I do have a sense of relief that I have taken the first steps but it is a long difficult climb. I have done things I am not proud of including meeting/speaking with people I should not have. I am naturally very extroverted and growing up had always been "successful" with woman. I feel as if I get bored easily and woman were just a challange for me. Once I was able to "win" I lost the desire to keep up with the person.

WHY cant I be satisfied with a great wife wonderful children...etc. I know what I have/am doing is wrong on so many levels yet I just shut my mind off and rush headlong forward. Once the "deed" is done...I have a crush of guilt where a flood of emotions overwhelm me with guild and self loathing.

As I mentioned in earlier posts...have gotten more committed to Torah lifestyle...go to minyan most days learning/teaching Torah...how can I reconcile all the good I do with this terriable sin.

god forgive me this tormented soul.

I know how you feel. So many times I made it two days and then thought to myself, "what type of joker are you? Are you really taking pride in not doing something you anyway shouldn't do? For two days!?"

Then I realized that it's the Yetzer hora telling me this. Not only is he trying to get me to sin he then goes ahead and and makes me feel bad about it. DONT TAKE THE BAIT!

Change is process, not an an event. Two days clean is very precious to Hashem and part of the change process.

Yes you did something wrong, but hashem didn't strike you down with a lightning bolt. That means that Hashem belives that you can still change.

Hi Nachshon,

I'm working on writing short posts, because I have a habit of going on and on.

1) put filtering on you computers. don't fool yourself, they can be gotten around, but if you start doing that, then it's back to the handbook and crank your level up a notch.

2) It's ok to spill the beans here. Nobody's going to judge you. most of us have done terrible things that we're ashamed of. I got caught in a sting operation with a cop posing as a prostitute. You're not alone, that's for sure.

3) It sounds like you've either admitted you're powerless over this beast, or at least very close to it. this is where you begin getting closer and more personal with "H. check out the 12 step approach. maybe not for you but worth a look-see.

4) find a real live human being to talk about this with. I talked/talk with my rov. Mostly the message I get from him is, "T'shuvah wasn't made for tzaddikim. when I first told him after we talked he gave me a beautiful signed lithograph of a yad as an expression of his love for me. find somebody like that.

5) If you stick around, no matter what you'll grow closer to "H, and at the end of the day, that's what we're really about here.

Hatzlocho my friend.

72 hours and counting...have overwhelming feeling of wanting to give in....

Text messages from "friends" so easy to just reply...and start the spiral leading to bad things.

Have this feeling of why is it so wrong...work really hard all day...extremely high pressure job...all the justifications I know are false...yet I yearn for the excitement...

Need to stay strong!!!!

Daat...thanks for the message...never caught up in anything you describe...can only imagine the shame when you were caught. In a way my shame is greater...nothing like looking in the mirror and feeling the contradiction between loving husband/respected member of the community...etc....and the dark secrets i keep inside.

Am I forgiveable for the wrongs I have committed...wasnt truthful with willing partners (said i was single....just to score)....never had intercorse with anyone but wife....that was where my red line was...but almost everything else was in play for a while. At my lowest didnt want Kaares...cut off from the people i love and what defines me....thank god for that or would really be unbearable.

Can i be forgiven? Making strides...trying to cut out the triggers...not easy! God help me...I am giving my all...

Nachshon,
You've shown great strength the past 3 days.
It isn't "sad" to feel accomplished- you should be proud of your willpower.
All of us addicts take it one day at a time.
That means that it may seem almost impossible when you look at your entire future, but a day at a time (or even a hour) is doable.

Even though you may feel that you are in a deep hole, G-d always looks for your repentance. I'm sure he's smiling down at you and your valiant efforts.

96 Hours...was severly tested today...recieved phone call from "a friend"

Routine started on the phone....kept thinking how will I feel a moment after release....end it....was a battle in my mind....felt overwhelmed...was literally back and forth...was so close to compoletion...felt a shutter...said my pager was going off and told her I had to go immediately.

Felt like I half won the battle but will keep my personal counter streak going.

Felt a shudder no Zera...no eleation followed by depression...YH was saying so close...go back and finish it properly....already did the sin...may as wel enjoy it....I fought that.

Miss the excitement...need to distract....not sure how to replcae that eleation feeling/high?

Since I stoppted (all of 5 days)...feel less energy...havent gone to minyan or learn (been extremely busy at work...since missed so much due to chagim)...not sure what is causing.

Sorry for rambling on....needed to get off my chest....

Keep fighting the fight....

Nachshon

Nachshon,
What you describe is quite typical. I'm sure many can relate to your need to replace the highs and excitement.
First of all, I'd like to point out that many a time, one will engage in addictive behaviors to fill a void. It is essential for you to set aside some healthy "me time". Whether you read a book, exercise, or catch up with friends, it will prove to be very therapeutic.

Keep up the great work- we're rooting for you!