B"H for this site and thank you to everyone here who devotes time and energy to overcoming and to helping others overcome this horrible addiction. My own personal struggle with this started almost 16 years ago when my parents brought a computer into the house. There wasn't to my knowledge the sophisticated filters that there are today and lo-and-behold I fell. I was a teenager. Since then, it's always been a struggle in front of the computer; if that's anything to be thankful for. When the Rabbi of my shul gave a d'var one Shabbos a few months ago he mentioned this site and what a blessing from up high it was. The Chizuk emails are one of the best lifelines. Slowly but surely the daily words of encouragement, stories of success, trials and tribulations are making an impact. I find myself wanting that old rotten part of my life less and less. It's being replaced by a desire for more gratitude towards my family and friends, new outlook on life and a desire to live and give rather than wallow and take.

Since joining this site, as others before me, I've made it my goal to achieve 90 days. With fits and starts, I made it over 25 days, then fell, but am back on. I want to feel what it's like to not have this urge and desire to act out. I haven't cracked open the 12 steps but for a few minutes and should get around to that. I realize that success for me will need to include developing better self-esteem, possibly a new career in which I'm better able to do work that I love, creating new healthy habits, giving more respect and showing more gratitude.

As far as I know, my wife knows nothing of my struggle in factual terms, but could most likely relate to the circumstantial evidence, a husband that's not all there, not that appreciative, randomly irritated, frequently tired and often sullen. While I have not told her of the details, I did manage to broach the subject of configuring our computer to help me get to bed earlier by giving it a parental controlled account, with website tracking. This was in the name of getting me to bed earlier, which I honestly wanted to do anyway. Since joining GYE and taking steps to improve, she's noticed a happier more pleasant me, which is one of the best encouragements I could think of.

Even more encouraging, since Elul started I've included extra prayers for help in my struggle and noticed recently that I might even be getting a little help from up high. I was to be alone for a few days recently at home, but when I arrived home, the connection from the house to the internet was severed by a tree branch! The connection was only restored hours before my wife was set to return, but by then I was already astonished and appreciative of the help and my YH had no space to enter. I was reminded of the saying, "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous."

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I wish you much hatzlacha and pray that you receive much blessing.

I have had a lot of success by studying Feeling Good by David Burns, a book on cognitive therapy. The pros are that there are no meetings, no sponsor, you can be sober as long as you like and it gets easier over time. And you can have fun getting sober because you stop feeling powerless. However the concepts behind cognitive therapy require some practice and reading to really sink in. I keep the book in the bathroom and read it a few times a day.

Since you mentioned your wife you would probably benefit quickly from reading another book by David Burns called Intimate Connections.

You can also do the 12-step program first and then switch to cognitive therapy, that is what I did. I loved the meetings, talking to other addicts face to face is just a tremendous feeling. I just could not go on telling myself that I was powerless when I wasn't, so I am trying cognitive therapy now.

I have had a lot of success by working a bit on the 12 steps, one day at a time. The pros are that there is built in support from friends who almost by definition are here only to help you, you can be sober for as many days and minutes as you like, and it gets easier over time. And you can truly enjoy life by getting sober because you learn that Hashem is taking care of you for real and helping you every step of the way. However the concepts of powerlessness and giving up the struggle require some practice and reading to really change you.

Since you mentioned your wife you would maybe benefit from checking out the Marrieds Forum and listening to the guys there (I personally haven't yet gone there, I'm scared of being triggered...).

You can also try out cognitive therapy or even physcoanalysis, the key is to do something every day to get you on the road to recovery. But between me and you, the 12 step process is the most well documented method and for good reason - it really works wonders. In addition, all of it's principles find strong roots in our holy Torah.

Welcome!!!!!

Welcome aboard, An1na!

The story with the tree that broke the internet connection is fascinating!

Actually, I noticed many times that whenever I was a "bad boy" online, the day after there was some problem with the internet- either a sudden cutoff, power cut, computer broken, wifi off, whatever. I am quite a Litvak & cynical, but this was hard to ignore.

BTW, from personal experience, this forum & the 90 days chart can be real lifesavers. The only things that caused a REAL change in me (I am in level 6 on the chart B"H!)

Behaztlacha!!!!
Kevin

ChaimCharlie wrote on 28 Aug 2012 08:06:


Lol

An1na welcome. Wonderful story. Stick around there is a lot to gain from the site. Much hatzlacha.

nederman wrote on 27 Aug 2012 02:11:


I don't mean to get into a whole debate about the whole 12 steps. But I never understood the concept of powerlessness to excuse acting out. I would say I'm powerless to start once I stop, but I have no excuse for not taking the steps which will prevent me from starting to act out in the first place. The main think however is to find something that works for you and if cognitive therapy does the trick. Kol hakavod.

welcome thanks for sharing, your story sounds identical to mine although about two weeks ago I shared some more info with my wife but before was in the same situation. Those random moments of irritability really can get me

looking forward to hearing more from you
SOH

Thanks everyone. Lots of good stuff to follow up on. I like the standard advice "template" everyone's following :-). Like nederman, I'm not 100% sure about the powerlessness idea either, although it has a nice ring to it, understanding how it personally applies is a little different. I'll see about the Burn's book. Perhaps that's where the group sessions, chats and phone calls come in. In other news, so far no falls since a few days before Rosh Chodesh Elul, going on 16 days now.

While folks are mentioning books, I'd like to mention Rabbi Zelig Pliskin has a lot of good titles published. His Growth Through Tehillim is pretty inspiring and currently providing some help as well.

Where's the "marrieds" group or forum that was mentioned? What's the risk of going there? Please don't feel you have to explain though if you don't want to.

you have to email Guard to get into the Marrieds section. Don't know exactly the risks cause i was never there, but obviously can be potentially triggering for someone with a sensitive taste of lust.

All the best!