Hi everyone, I've been following you all for a few months now and noticed a few newbies introducing themselves and decided to take the plunge.

I am in my 20's, married with 3 wonderfull children k"h, financially stable, and everything going for myself b"h.

It all started when I was about 10 years old I started getting the urge to look at inappropiate pictures, I would find them in store flyers, magazines on the street, phone books, etc. As I got into my teens I graduated to worse type of images such as s*x and p**n, I figured out that I can masturbate myself (quite scary the first time it happened) from there it went down hill as soon as I discovered the internet after I got married. I couldnt go by 2 days without masturbation and mz"l. I recently had 70+ days clean and am currently working on hitting at least 90. My main problem is that I love to look at woman on the street and let my imagination wander, whether it's while i'm driving walking or just watching my kids outside. My falls can come at any given time, for no reason at all I'll just decide to go ahead and be mz"l. While I do have filters and accountability software on my computers and smartphone. I find that it doesn't take much for anything to trigger a fall. I have noticed that it usually
comes from boredom or just a crazy hectic day at work where I feel I need to releive myself.

To set the record straight: I b"h have never gone to any places I shouldn't nor have I had any online social networks, never had anything to do with another woman besides my wife, just basically the personal struggle and the fantasies.

I must add that I have gained a tremendous amount of chizuk by hanging around on the forum, I truly regard you all as malachei elokim for keeping such a wonderfull program going.

I must "Keep Climbing"

Hey there! Welcome aboard!
You sound just like me.
Only I found this site 20+ years later than you
You can beat this thing
you can control what things you think about
and stop the fantasizing
it just takes work and effort
reading the handbooks and posting
and alot of davening!
B'hatzlacha

Welcome brother KC,
I find that I have to give up my right to fantasize on a daily basis. Otherwise, I just keep walking around all the while making short porno movies in my head.
I am not entitled to erotic or romantic fantasy. Neither are you or anyone. It is not an ilailienable right.
And yet, we keep telling ourselves, "I must participate in a sex scene with this woman and I better hurry, 'cause there's another one coming.
Pathetic, really, but that's my sense of worth: I can look at a girl and give her value in sex dollars.
So giving up the entitlement was a big step towards sobriety for me.
Mottel

Welcome KC.
It is kind of a sweet feeling to (as You said) "let my imagination wander". i know this feeling too good.
good luck, hazack veematz

Welcome KC! Keep contributing. We know EXACTLY what [s]you[/s] we are struggling with.

Keep wrote on 28 Jun 2012 06:07:


Hi there Casey (or KC),

Just wanted to point out a shtikel stirah in your words (and/or in your way of thinking).

If the eyes wander, and the imagination wanders, then the fall is inevitable and cannot be considered as "for no reason at all".

See Rashi (Bamidbar 15:39) -



So first and foremost we need to be vigilant in shmiras einayim (this is more in our control than our thoughts), and we need to daven to Hashem וטהר לבנו

Hatzlacha

MT

Thanks Machshovo Tova for pointing out that stira.
I better be careful you guys will surely keep me on my toes with what i write, i'm ready for the challenge as it can only do good and help stimulate my brain to think deeper about my mess.

Let me explain what I meant when I said it can come for no reason at all.

When I look at woman, it's not like I run to masturbate, and that being the result of my looking at woman, rather I can look at woman during the day and then in the evening this ruach shtis comes into my head to go be mz"l, without even have fantasized about it right before, it's just like a spur of the moment kind of decision.
I'm not trying to say that it has no connection, it obviousely does. I can't go around looking at woman a whole day and expect that not to have any effect on
my mz"l habit.

At this point the hardest thing for me is to stop looking at woman, any ideas on a good solid approach to this issue?
I once heard that the Beis Yisroel of Gur once told a chassid that for looking at a woman one will not get hell, it is for the second peek that he will burn. I can't stand to burn one day it is just soooo hard to stop.
on a better note, this morning I actually did not take a second look at a woman, and it wasn't because she was already out of site, I just felt that after my first post the night before I had to make at least a tiny effort to stop and it worked

that's all you can do, really. One woman at a time, one day at a time.
Have you read the GYE handbook? Its got ideas and then some.
Hatzlocho,
Mottel

Yes I have, easier said than done. Gotta actually put it into practice.
I think I'm going to increase the times I look away 1 a day. Starting with the 1 I did this morning, hey maybe i'll throw in a bonus 1 on my commute home.

I'm very not helpful in this area, Hashem gave me the gift of bad eyesight and all I have to do is remove my glasses... But on a bicycle it is still a problem. I'm a work in progress. (That will hopefully never change.)
Check out the 3 second rule...
Also, you'll find that after asking Hashem for help to not look, you'll gradually get into the habit of looking away. I'm no longer scanning the whole street on the off-chance I'll see someone from the other gender, like I used to. (I even remember, when I was in the Mir in Yerushalayim, strolling to Kikar Shabbos just to look at the girls!)
I've been at it for two months or so and I started "seeing" progress about three weeks ago.

Chazak V'Ematz, and continue talking to us!
Meir

I know what you're going through with the shmiras eynayim challenge.

When I first committed to get sober, I felt like I was going to die if I didn't look at the woman in my field of view. I would pinch my inner thigh hard every time I caught myself looking. Generally these temptations last just a few seconds, then they're gone forever, until the next one. The more you abstain, the easier it gets. Don't get caught up in the Y"H's tricks, "I just want to see if I know her," "I don't want to appear rude," etc. I found it necessary to also stop ogling my own wife all the time. Lust is lust. The more you avoid looking, the easier it gets.

Shmiras eynayim is mission critical.

The reward, by the way, in addition to sobriety, is that I can appreciate the beauty of nature, of my wife, of a child's face, so much more. No longer is my only true pleasure in life looking at dvarim asurim.

Keep us posted OK? And welcome!

Alex

Thanks alexeliezer for the chizuk, etek gonna start working on the 3 second rule, starting from now on my way home from work.

Fyi, I took my name "keep climbing" from Avraham Frieds newest tape, I sort of connected to that song, ii hope he doesn't mind.

Hi brothers,
I just wanted to let you know I actually was able to look away quickly quite a few times on my home from work (a long commute I got). It felt really good. And I was pleasantly surprised to see that I concentrated much better this evening by the shiur I attend..

I had some difficulty understanding the 3 second rule. Here goes.
being that woman are about 51% of the population they are all over the place, why can I afford myself the 2-3 seconds to look away, I usually wouldn't look for more than that anyway, as there's always another one up ahead.
I feel I need some ideas on how to stop it completely, is the 3 second rule the beginnig of it and we are expected to get stricter with ourselves?
a bit confused, thoughts please.

Thanks bro's
Just "keep climbing"

It should be called a 3 step rule, not 3 second.
1. Alert: as soon as we see something triggering, we alert ourselves to the impropriety.
2. Avert: having become aware of the impropriety of a particular sight, we avert (or close) our eyes.
3. Affirm: we congratulate ourselves on a job well done, and affirm the good choice we made by not looking.
If it takes three seconds, its prolly taking you too long, you're right.

hey i dig your name. i think climbing in yiddish is shteiging so you can also be keep shteiging.

you have a long commute with nothing to do so maybe if you had something to read it might help you something to keep your eyes occupied. i sometimes try, when im not reading or listening to my ipod (with eyes closed) and look at something in front of my face and convince myself oh wow what a tremendously interesting ...______________ crack in the floor, piece of dry chewed gum, fingernail etc.

In my opinion the 3 second rule has nothing to do with seconds bc there are times when i can glance for literally a milisecond and that would be enough to start imagining. the 3 second rule basically means to me that when you look and you didnt look away until you realized that you were looking at something that shouldnt be looked even if the origionall glance more more than a second and even up to 3 seconds its only what you do after you realized its innapropriate that matters