Hi guys i discovered this site sometime ago but never really gave an effort to try to change. Last week i just got fed up. I wanted to change because i just couldn't continue living a double life to my wife and especially to myself. I've been fooling myself for over 10 years that "I'll just grow out of this habit". Well lemme tell you something, its NOT just a habit and I didnt grow out of it. Bh bli ayin hara i've been clean for a full week now, and I'm feeling stronger everyday. I have an accountability partner who I call daily, and I'm reading the chizuk emails. But I know that i can't get complacent, I have to constantly be on guard and ready to battle. I know from a lot of years of experience that if you dont put in a full effort to fight this, it just wont work. The urge to act out is too overpowering, and even with the strongest will its still very hard to overcome it. I feel like i need to build up a consistent streak of staying clean, knowing that for every minute I overcome my nisyonos its another step in the right direction. The main reason that i'm writing this is because it feels sooooo good to finally get this terrible horrific secret off my chest, and actually put into words what i've been going through. I just hope that this isn't all just talk, and i'm actually able to keep this up. Please respond with input and chizuk, i would really appreciate it!!
Thanks in advance

hi need to change,

It sounds like you're finally admitting helplessness which is the first step an addict makes if they want to recover. I congratulate you!
It sounds like you really want to overcome this now...
Well, if you're really helpless, how are you going to overcome it? The answer is that you can't! The way addicts recover is by giving up, surrendering, admitting defeat. They admit powerlessness and therefore have to beg Hashem to help them, because he can. Hashem will be willing to help if we really admit defeat and are sincere with him. No half measures here. You can't hold up a white flag in one hand and a sword in the other. If you are defeated, you drop your arms (unfiltered internet, wandering eyes, wandering mind, etc) and only then can there be any mercy towards you.
In addition, you take proactive steps to make you stronger and less vulnerable (read chizuk material, go to SA groups or phone calls, etc.).

I hope this helps.

Welcome NTC

KH above said about everything I was going to say.
In active addiction, we learn to fight this, and we fail repeatedly.
In recovery, we learn to surrender our lust to Hashem. It's a new concept and takes some time to wrap our minds around it. I find it helpful to just say it.

Abstaining from lustful thoughts and images is torture in the beginning. Keep at it. Beg Hashem for help every step of the way. Take it one nisayon at a time. In time, it will get easier. Your mind will be able to function again.

Things can be very different with this new approach.

Hatzlocha!
Alex

Hi NTC,

Great start. How about filters? What practical steps are you taking? If you read through the threads of guys who've been at this a while you'll see that no matter what, they come back to posting, and supporting others.

I wish you success--Hatzlacha

i have k9

I just read Kiddushin 81A, where there was a fire in Amram's house... Dov had referred to it, i never read the story. It's great to know I'm in good company. One of the differences, admittedly, is that R. Amram stopped half way up the ladder, I went up the ladder, into the attic, and spent a few days and nights there... STILL!!
THERE'S A FIRE ON THE EDGE!!

Welcome to the rest of your life with H". Enjoy the ride. H" is sweet and good, and everything is His Will, you are a like a drop in the ocean.

I just read the ohr hachayim hakadosh on parshas acharei mos and it gave me a lot of chizuk. Before i found this website i kept on convincing myself that i was trying to get better, trying to improve. After reading people's posts and reading the ohr hachayim hakadosh i'm starting to realize 2 things: 1. I wasn't REALLY trying(because I didn't realize what trying means) 2. No matter how hard you try, without help from Hashem we're hopeless. This 2nd point never occurred to me before. It's amazing i've learned in yeshiva my whole life and was brought up in a regular frum home, and this never occurred to me about ANYTHING in yiddishkeit. I guess i was just always so caught up in blaming myself because i always believed that "Kochi V'otzem Yodi". It was such an eye-opener for me that Hashem is in control of EVERYTHING(not just the sun rising and the weather) and I NEED HIS HELP SO BADLY. It also gives me so much more hope that i can overcome this- hope that i never imagined possibe. Admitting that we're powerless for someone who doesn't believe in Hashem can be destructive; he may just give up and give in. But knowing that Hashem controls the world makes my powerlessness much more comforting, because I know that the same way Hashem helps me everyday with so many other things, he will surely help me with this- because he wants whats best for his children, maybe even more than his children want it.

I also never knew it until I came here and started in recovery.
Now more and more I am realizing I am powerless over just about everything in my life, and this helps my tefilla immensely -- because I'm not stam davening, I'm asking for the help I absolutely need in order to get anything accomplished. I always knew I should be davening for things, but I never knew I needed to daven for help defeating the Y"H. I thought I was on my own in that department. Glad I know it now.

well said, thanks