SOH,

Sounds like you're doing great--taking recovery very seriously.

Hatzlacha,

Elyah

thank you all for the continued incouragement.
befor I rant about my struggleing day, I would like to focus on the positive and congradulate my self on not only finnnishing up with my 8th day clean since I started posting here (my renual of my Bris ) but also my strong efforts to keep shmiras eyniam like I have never done before.

now for my venting about my struggle today.....

I strated off the day tired wich may have made me edgeier to start with as I had less than 3 hours of sleep. I was doing well at first, and man dose it take a lot of foccusing to keep my eyes away its a full time job espesialy when driving, not only do I have to pay attention to the road I need to activly pay attention to not let my eyes wander, sometimes I have been putting my hand on the side of my eye like a horses blinders ;D maybe i should get myself a set of those so I can keep both hands on the wheel ;D anyhow, when I got back to the office there was a sales women giving us an inservice marketing her companies product, unfortunetly for me she was a very attractive women and was wearing an extreamly revealing shirt (I appoligise to those reading this if it is too descriptive, please let me know, I'm not quite sure of the rules limits) and forgive me Hashem for taking a few ganders but it was for at least a half hour and I was trying so hard I tried keeping my eys on the ground for as long as I could without appeaering to be too rude and I keept on trying to focuss on looking at the other people and other objects in the room, considering though I did feel like I did put up quite a fight... as the rest of the day went on however I started to feel that subconcious urge, I'm sure you all know the feeling, for me I have this sence that I want to stop thinking for my self as much as I want be in controll of my decisions, its almost a decision to stop deciding and let my body do its own thinking and not my conceince. However I did push my self throughout the day I tried reading one of the chizuk emails but my mind couldnt or didnt want to fuccos enough to read. but I thought to my self I am working so hard to watch what I look at I owe it to myself to be resieliant and that got me through the majority of the day with a pounding headach to go along with it. I find I have my head has been aching a lot more than it mormaly dose maybe it has to do with me activly putting so much effort into my day and not being a passive observer of society.

On my way home I knew was getting to be in my risky zone as I was driving unnecisarly agresivly, something I do when I have a lot of internal tension built up, espesialy sexual tension. Than when I got home things only got worse (for all those single people out there who think it will be easier when you get married, just ask any maried man on this forum and they will laugh and say it just gets harder, in matter of fact everything gets harder when your mariedd, every relationship takes a lot of work think off the relationship you are trying to have with hashem your strugling like the rest of us, and any extra work just adds stress) I was getting edgeier as I was getting more tired, my kids were tired and cranky makeing my tired wife cranky, which caused her to be upset with everything I did or didnt do, and that was with me putting extra affort to help her out with what ever she needed. By this pint the arrow on smokie's fire danger sign for me to fall was way in the red zone. I do have to say that after thinking of the root reason of why she is so upsett at me even with my efforts to help are all my fault and I do want to alaberate an that another time, more than the fact that she is probly reads through my constant lies (and this is after a cleen week, serves me right for all the other times, its a funny thing though, she seems to always be more adgitated with me at times when I am doing well, I am wondering if anyone else ever experienced that and has any thought on that.)

I have been davening with a minyan a lot more consistantly, but more than that over this past week part of my efforts in being more proactive I have been personalizing my tefila with more intent which has always been a week area for me and most sertintly needs a few lifetimes of improvement, I would like to thank all the people on this site for incourageing direct communication with hashem as I gave it more of an effort after reading so many of you raving of its affects, yesterday I even tried using someones prayer that he uses (I think It was Alex), thank you it is most sertintly helped me today.

after mincha mariv things settled at home but I still have that uncontrolable feeling, so I figured I would write about it and hope I write it away. so thanks for reading about my day if you made it this far, sory about its lengthyness but I am still feeling at risk.

Well I better go to sleep before the yetzer hora gets the best of me. that should put another day in the books (the books of life I hope) and may the sacrifices I made today help me through tomorow. (btw I love that idea of not taking second looks being a scrifice to hashem it has made almost every second of the last 24 hours seem like a huge accumulation of mitzvos... minus those few slips, it really is motivating)

thanks for listening
Good night my holy brothers

I tell myself that for each time that I turn my head away, Hashem erases one image from my memory. So after 120 years they won't be showing me all those images again, only this time to make me puke nonstop.
No, I have no mokoir for that. Its just a hope I have.

Dear SoH,

I read your long story and was overwhelmed with your level of determination. I am sure that the angels in heaven are jealous that they were not given the opportunity of putting up such a fight for Hashem's honor. Like Abie Rottenberg sings, "Umi, umi, umi. Umi ke'amcha? Umi ke'amcha Yisroel?" Keep up the good work. and remember, "lefum tzaara agra". And also, "schar mitzva mitzva" - in the merit of your mesiras nefesh for this mitzva of kedusha, you will be rewarded with power from heaven to be mekayem the mitzva with ease and happiness, amen.

MT

Thanks for posting all that.

There's a recovery slogan:

HALT

Be careful not to get too:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

These are all conditions that put us in danger of acting out. It sounds like, from being tired, you were in danger in more ways than one. Sometimes it's just that--we don't need to look for deep psychological reasons for our distress. Sometimes we just need to get some sleep (and make sure we get it, even if we need to call in sick sometimes).

Good luck,

Elyah

obormottel wrote on 22 May 2012 05:37:


What Siata Dishmaya I found a mikor for you today, thats if you mix in p'shat of the lamdonim on this forum who believe that the sacrifice of shmiras einayim is considered a korban.

In the introduction to R' Schwabs sefer on tefila, when disscussing the difference between tifila and karbonos, he quotes the Vilna Gaon that says: Tefila has the power of selicha, mechila and kapora, which can bring us closer to hashem, in contrast to Korbanos wich make it like it never happened, and establishing a direct conection of the nishama to Hashem, as it is called reiach nichoach lahashem.

good night and thanks for the support
SOH