I wander if anyone can help me please.

I'm a 23 year old male. I have a girl friend who ive been dating for a good few months, we don't believe in sex before marriage - but we k*ss, cuddle etc. and i get sexually aroused when we get physically close with each other.

I also have a porn addiction which has become a major issue over the last 2/3 years - up until then it was more like an obsession than an addiction.

I have been seeing a hypnotherapist about my porn addiction for about a year - and something strange happened yesterday in our session.

I've never had any sexual / emotional / thoughts / inclinations towards another man - and the content of my pornography has always been females.

but during yesterdays session i had this deep fear that i may be gay - but it makes no sense at all. My main theme up until then has been self esteem, thinking im not good enough, not confronting my issues properly and the like. it makes no sense at all to have this deep inner feeling that maybe im gay.

my older brother is gay - and the hypnotherapist thinks that ive got a deep fear that i may turn out like him.

i've been feeling very anxious and confused since that session, and actually havent eaten since and needed to take a sleeping pill to get some rest last night.

i've also been feeling sexually numb towards female p**n as well since the session [whereas for the last 10 years i've always been immediately turned on by female porn].

I still dont feel any emotional / physical / sexual attraction to men... but something doesnt feel right inside me.

I'm scared that it may have been a bad idea to meddle and mess too much with deep unconscious fears...

maybe my problem is that i've believed all along that it is only "I" who can fix this, and never really gave it over to Hashem as the 12 steps requires...

I hope you don't mind my honesty ..

i feel very confused atm.

please help.

I think they call it Homophobia. This is a term typically used by openly gay men (and women) to describe people who dare speak out against homosexuality. The implication is that such objections come from a suppressed homosexuality that the person is afraid of (phobia).

In my opinion there is a kernel of truth to this falsehood. I am a lust addict. There was a time that I took a vow (not recommended) to not look at untznius images of women on the internet. Guess what happened? After a while, my cravings for porn were so strong that I actually thought about looking for untznius images of men to get my fix. I didn't do it for two reasons. First, it wasn't in the spirit of what I was trying to accomplish. But there was another reason. I knew that, although I am 99% straight, if I were to start looking at that stuff, I would get hooked. Lust is lust. And I certainly didn't want to go there.

The potential is in all of us. That's why the Torah warns us against it.

So my friend, don't get too paranoid or concerned. When you're messing with lust, anything can happen. You're not gay. You are afraid of being gay, but that isn't a problem unless you make it one.
Be very sober. Practice aggressive shmiras eynayim. Guard your mind against all lustful thoughts. Think about giving up the forbidden physical contact with your girlfriend (talk it over with her). Daven for sobriety and clarity. You'll be fine.

Have a great clean day!
Alex

Coming from someone who has the ssa issue I would tell you not to worry too much. As Alex said lust is lust. When you look at porn and the sort it really stresses a person out. He becomes confused anxious and nervous. Relax take a breath and maybe for ur lust addiction look at the handbook and daven to Hashem to guide you a long the way. Just so that you know even if you did have ssa it doesn't mean your gay. Who knows probably your brother is not really gay but has some childhood issues. People with ssa have successfully changed and gotten married. As once someone posted ssa is a lust with a twist. I would perhaps just look at some childhood issues that you have. But first and foremost take a chill pill and get ready for a journey to recovery!!!!

Hey time4change,

I owe you an apology because I saw this post about a week ago and I put off responding until now.

I completely relate to the fears you describe of being gay. I've had these fears for the last couple of years. For me, a big trigger of the fear was finding out that my uncle is gay. Just like in your case, my fear didn't and still doesn't make any sense. I have no urge to look at male porn, fantasize about men, etc. I've never wanted to get intimate with men. I've also never been sexually abused. Nevertheless, my mind is completely out of control and it seems to be against me. I haven't spoken to a professional about this, although I think I should. I have found my own mental techniques though, which help me most of the time. I'd be happy to share more with you if you are interested.

Wishing you the best of everything!

kH