I'm not sure if I fell yesterday, I went for a massage at a female RMT.  My body has been aching for a long time, working on the computer, lifting kids, etc. so I just went for the massage.  Nothing happened, but I didn't feel like it was the right thing to do, given that I went during business hours and I spent a lot of mental obsession thinking about it.  I don't feel my thoughts and closeness to Gcd were working for me.  I don't know if it counts as a fall, I'll keep on trucking, I just don't know why I feel bad after going.  Even a male RMT might cause the same post-massage sadness, that I spent too much time seeking it out.  Maybe this has nothing to do with addiction per se and more to do with anxiety and OCD.  Anyhow, maybe I should also take muscle relaxants for the body aches.  Who knows.

I understand why you feel bad about it given that it's a big trigger for you and has caused falls in the past. But if nothing happened why would you consider this a fall?

As far as the aches, maybe you can learn some stretching excercizes or such that you can do by yourself at home. And try taking Aleve.

Refua Sheleima and KOMT!

Gevura!

Thanks for the chizuk!  You have soothed me.

Edge,
We're not here to judge you or your actions.  Just be very vigilant about your recovery, because otherwise it may become the beginning of a slide.  Unfortunately for us addicts, one dumb move can set us on a quick downward slide.  But we don't have to go all the way to a fall before we get back up.  It is possible to intercept a slide, provided we realize what's going on and are willing to put in the extra hishtadlus.

If you're not already, consider a regular exercise routine, including weight training and something aerobic.  Power walking would be especially helpful for your body aches.

Have a wonderful Shabbos with your aishes chayil.
Alex

cant you have the same massage from a male?
is it right according to halocho?

Thanks Alex.  I spilled coffee on myself this morning and totally lost my temper.  I haven't done that in a while and as you say it makes me wonder what is going on in my programme.  I do exercise more or less regularly, yoga, running, etc.  The yoga is very effective. I have been with a cough for 2 weeks so that probably doesn't help either.  In any case you are correct, I need to pick the programme back up and kick it into high gear.

Not going to be easy, especially since my mother in law is in town this weekend!!

Hi Edgeman -
as Gevura said - you didn't fall.  I think its a good sign that you are worried about getting near a 'fence' of no massages. That shows that you are really trying to protect your recovery.  At least for me - its good to have an 'early warning system'.  Anywhere near that fence around a fence tells me i have have to do more Recovery hishtadlus:  more calling, more reading, more davening, finding alternatives to stress relief, etc.

So since you have been triggered by massages - makes sense to be very weary of massages, even totally legit massages.  I have also heard that its halachically OK to get a massage from a male.  you need to figure where the line of real safety is - not just for no acting out, but for no troubling thoughts.

My suggestion - Make a super strong fence about this and keep it, and use this episode  to propel your Recovery further.  Don't look back, look up!

Miss talking to you man - try to pick up today before Shabbos if you can . . .

All the best
Be Matzliach!
H2CNOW

pshhh.  a personalized message from the other Gaon!! my soul is no longer parched.

re halacho, I recall reading it's not acceptable to get a massage from a female. that being said if a male is arousing, I don't know that the halacha would be any different.  seems like everyone must know their natures...

anyhow thanks again to all the chizuk.  unreal.