I've been putting this off for a long time. Whew!  Here goes!

For years, I've been searching out male porn and obsessing over other mens' bodies.  I don't think I'm gay, and thought of acting out with another male disgusts me.  (My previous therapist said I'm somewhere on "the spectrum.")

Much to her terror, my wife (now of 12 years) discovered my "habit" on the computer almost four years ago, and we are now barely married.  Since then, I've been in therapy of all kinds, including sex addiction and OCD.  I started 12-steps, and got stuck on step 4 several years ago.

Since my wife discovered my habit, I have done my utmost to keep clean.  About a year and a half ago, I started to slip - masturbated and looked at porn, and that is when I started Prozac.  I continue to take it now, and had one wet dream since, I'm not sure if that counts as losing sobriety, but I did it.

Since then, I discovered that my wife has her issues, too.  She is a rageaholic, I think, and also suffers from OCD.  She won't admit it, she thinks everything is everyone else's fault.  I think she recently started on medication also, but she doesn't want to talk about it.  As I deal with my addiction, I'm learning to work with her in a positive and understanding way, and not to blame, resent, etc.  My 4 kids seem to have inherited many of our problems - there's a lot of obsession in our house and a lot of anger.  It's not a pleasant place.

I have a great therapist, who is really helping me to find myself, and to navigate my way through this mess.  He has long encouraged me to get involved in a group setting, and this is my next step.  I feel grateful to have found you all, and I hope I can contribute to this group, and of course, use it to continue to become and keep strong IY"H.

Welcome effiebies!  You have come to the right place.  Keep opening up... it's the best medicine... but don't limit yourself to this anonymous forum.  Over time, reach out to people on the phone and even in person.  Posting here is a great first step, but it is just that, a first step.  May you take many more steps in the right direction.

Here's the official welcome...

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

Welcome Effie!

Wow! You're dealing with a lot.  I'm glad you have a good therapist.  I hope your wife does too.

It's erev Shabbos so I must be brief.

Daven in every Shmona Esrei (or just on your own) in your own words for shalom bayis, for sobriety, for your wife, for your children.  Pour your heart out to Hashem regularly.

Be very good to your wife.  Treat her gently, with special sensitivity and consideration.  Never criticize her or make comments that can be the least bit hurtful.  Always think about what you can give to her, do for her.

Read Garden of Peace, a Marital Guide for Men by R' Shalom Arush.  Soon.

Take a look at this thread, some of which you might find helpful.

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4612.0

Stay with us here.  You're our friend now.  We want to know how you're making out.

Enjoy Shabbos.  Sing zmiros.  Sing Aishes Chayil TO YOUR WIFE.  Look at her while you're singing it.

Daven, daven, daven.

Hatzlocha,

Alex

Hi Effie,

The most important thing you can know is this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I am very similar to you (except I didn't get caught, i told). And there are others as well.

Open up, share, give and get chizuk. Read the handbook and the steps, see what will work for you. Everyone here cares for each other, and we are really all the same, regardless of what kind of pictures we like to look at.

And listen to Alex, he knows what he's talking about

Stick around, and may you have much Hatzlacha on your journey to repair your life, your Shalom Bayis, and your connection to Hashem.

Gevura!

P.S. if you haven't found it yet my story is here:http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4125.0

Hello Effie,

STEP 4 IS WHERE RECOVERY REALLY STARTS! 

That's were you've got to face all the fears and RESENTMENTS, and where you learn to let go of them.  Get back on track with that.

And keep on posting.

Welcome to the forum and lots of luck.

--Elyah

hey you brought back some memories... I used to look at male stuff too.  I guess I was curious and wanted to compare myself to other men, although the thought of other men sexually does not interest me.  that just happened to be the way I was fashioned, some men were fashioned with urges for other men, that's their nisayon. 

anyhow the next step is to work the steps!!  if you wanna chat and do your 4th or just chat, PM me. 

ontheedgeman wrote on 02 Feb 2012 16:03:

You might want to check this out www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4337.msg128142#msg128142 .

Effiebies, how are you doing?