Hello:

I am posting here for the first time.  I am a frum man who has been struggling with issues of watching porn and obsessing about women, for years. 

I have been "clean" for the past two weeks, by force of will which seems to be increasingly difficult to control.

I have never been unfaithful to my wife by actually being with another woman.  That's a line I am virtually certain I would not cross.  I do, however, fantasize about women very often.    When I got married, my wife already had two girls from a previous marriage.  These two were in their mid-teens at the time.  As they got older, they became objects of fantasies for me.  Although I never even so much as touched them or said anything improper to them,  it was only by sheer force of an iron-willed determination that I was able to hold myself back.  This will did not, however, prevent me from dreaming about them and even imagining myself to be with them when I was with my wife.  I justified it to myself by saying that they were already over 18 and so it was nto totally disgustting to imagine.

Anyway, I hope to be able to get some help from people here.

Thanks

Dear Yeshayahu,

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
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WELCOME Yeshayahu!  Hop aboard!  We're all in the same boat.  Stick around.

Hi
I am sure it must have been tough to write that post - sharing fantasies is helpful to remind yourself that they are real and dangerous not because you might act on them but becuase they represent where your mind is holding

The most important things I have learned about while hanging around here

1. Its ok to have thoughts and desires - perhaps they are unavoidable BUT you have to have a concrete plan to limiting and dealing with them
2. keeping the fantasies around and "indulging them" even if you don't do anything just feeds the monster and makes him more hungry- you need to let go of the lust and move away from it

Yeshayahu,
Welcome!  That took a lot of guts to say, even on this warm, accepting, anonymous forum of like-minded men.  Yasherkoach.

You certainly have your work cut out for you, but I have no doubt that if you apply proven recovery techniques, with lots of tefila, you will succeed.

My mind was full of fantasies about various things; scenarios, women.  I never actually really wanted any of it.  It was just an addiction to fantasy.  I did continue to become somewhat obsessed with various attractive young women in my life even after marriage.  I did draw the line at not fantasizing about other women while physically with my wife, but I would fantasize about her, plugging her image into my favorite scenarios.

It has the same effect.  Relations with one's wife is about friendship, love, bonding, connecting.  If I'm not doing any of this in the bedroom, but instead just getting high on my lustful fantasies, then that is a lost opportunity.  Trust me, my wife felt it.  Even though she thoroughly enjoyed herself physically, she felt we were just going through the motions, not connecting.  The result was misery for us both.  We're still working on repairing the immense damage.  [I know this isn't the married section, but it is never too early to begin learning the correct attitude towards relations with a wife.]

Know that your wife is suffering silently.

But that's not why you're here today.  You're here because you want to give up all this lusting and start living.  Because lust is a sweet drug.  But like any addiction, it demands more and more of your life; ever escalating doses.  And now you're ready to admit that you can't go on like this.  Here's what to do.

Read a lot on this site.  Find out about recovery from addiction.  Declare (if it is so) that you are an addict, and that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to get sober.  That should be a relief.  Try my patent-pending quick start:

1.  Extreme shmiras eynayim.  No women.  Not live, not in newspapers, not online, not their faces, not their hair, not their shoes.  Not even your own wife.  You can look at her face, but not her provocative parts unless for immediate tachlis.  It you catch yourself gazing at a woman, pinch your inner thigh hard (you should find bruises at the end of the day.)  This is going to be murder at first.  Keep at it.  No leeway.  It's poison.

2.  For the fantasies, you'll have to daven.  AS SOON AS you detect a lewd thought or image, or impulse to get online, start davening immediately.  Every single time.  If the thought comes back, daven again.  You'll do this dozens of times a day at first.  Here's the nusach I used, based on the 12 steps.  Try also to internalize these lines -- they are the keys to your early success.

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust."

To succeed, you must be ready to give up lust itself.  In all settings.  Not real pleasure.  Not connection with your wife.  Just lust.

Hatzlocha,
Alex

Thanks to those who posted ideas for me.  Rest assured I take it seriously.

At this point, I have trouble distinguishing between pleasure and lust.  In my mind they are the same thing, at least when dealing physical intimacy. 

I will, bli neder, read the materials and do what I have to so I can free myself, to the extent possible, of this force controlling my life.

Kol Tuv

Yeshayahu wrote on 25 Jan 2012 20:22:


I understand.  I gave you too much information.  Just wanted to plant a seed in your mind for later.

Right now just focus on getting yourself sober.  Only when you're clean and no longer craving the lust drug will you be ready to tackle the more subtle issues.

Gevalt! Go easy on yourself. You probably have much bigger and more basic fish to fry, chabibi, then making the sex right with your wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course - but honestly, the sex that the two of you have these next few days and weeks and months will be not much worse than it has been all the months before this - OK, maybe not good, certainly far from perfect - but no tragedy, I bet. Nu. Take it slow amigo! And I suggest it is better not to put too many eggs this (perfectionistic) basket while the main work you may need to do is in stuff like: being honest with her, being present, not masturbating, not lying to anybody, and opening up a bit more (OK, maybe a lot more) about your challenges. Be reasonable with yourself in recovery, too. That, to me, is humility. Admitting that 'hocherer madreigos' are better left for after the basics are built....

Love,

Dov