Thanks everyone for the warm welcome!! :D
I'll share my story a little bit (or a lot bit!)
I remember vividly telling my father before my bar mitzvah “it’s so scary to really be responsible for my avairos” he told me “Don’t worry because no one is perfect and Hashem created something called teshuva….”
What was really bothering me was the fact that I started lusting at the age of twelve. I was very connected to hashem as a kid and had real yir’as shamayim. I knew that looking at bad pictures was asur but I told myself that now I’m not bar mitzvah and I’m not held responsible yet. When it came time for me to take the responsibility, I couldn’t bring myself to stop.
Time went on and things only spiraled downward, as we all in hindsight learned, that this is the way this addiction works. I had some very bad influences in yeshiva who taught me that these things are “ok” because we’re all human. I was so ashamed of what I did behind closed doors and cried to hashem to help me. Yet with these boys, I learned that it was “cool” to be involved in this stuff. Many of these boys were all involved in trying to hook up with girls. Some got a hold of real porn magazines and really gave me a better education. All these years I went up and down trying to connect to Hashem for a while and then falling, getting depressed, a horrible vicious cycle that went on for years.
B”H I went to a different yeshiva for beis medrash but it was way too late, I was already hooked. I was always looking for ways to stimulate myself. The challenge was much worse whenever I went home to unfiltered internet access.
I always assumed that this was a challenge for single guys but when I get married it will all be fine. BOY WAS I WRONG! After I got married my wife needed internet for her job, so we got it. I was right back at it on the internet. But this time it got much worse. I went online whenever she turned her back. I really got depressed knowing that I’m digging a grave for my marriage, yet I couldn’t stop. We later got a filter, which wasn’t set up right so it didn’t do any filtering! I also bought magazines and brought them home. It made me so depressed and I wished there was someone to talk to, BUT WHO?
I somehow got the strength to really try again. This was exactly a year ago at the beginning of shovivim tat (on a leap year). I managed to stay clean for until the last week (the eighth week) when I blew it. Of course I should have given myself a pat on the back for such an amazing feat but instead yetzer harah convinced me that I should just give up, and I did. I’m sure I can right a book on my struggles, and I’m sure everyone on this site can also.
The great thing here is that I don’t have to do any explaining. We’re all in this together, and we all know what a Hell this addiction is. All I can say is Thank You GYE and I’m glad I’m on board!!!
