I'll try to give you more detail on it after Shabbos, but in short:
I didn't get caught immediately preceding my coming out, but my wife knew of my "interest" in viewing on-line pornography for a long time. Of course I lied about the depth of it etc, and promised many times that I no longer do it.
If you can get your wife on board she can be a great asset, I'm told. I didn't go about the "coming out" in a proper way, so I am still suffering from the consequences.
You can do a search on "telling a wife" and a few threads will come up, one of them mine, that can help you decide when and if to open up to your wife.
If I had to do it again, I would do it in a presence of a therapist or a Rabbi. At the same time, it may be more embarrasing for her to hear it in someone else'e presence.
There is definitely no rush to tell her if she doesn't know herself.
Also, there is no mitzva to hurt her feelings by our perceived honesty, and tell her "everything". The women have no idea of what this struggle is. That's why complete honesty is only appropriate in the company of fellow addicts who relate all too well
Hatzlocho and gut shabbos.
Mottel
P.S. Stop by my kitchen sometime, it's not all about just keeping your pants zipped up

Hi anontyva. You will find a lot of posts here about telling your wife.  The general recommendation seems to be to first have some sobriety under your belt.  Once you are taking concrete steps, you probably want to consult a rav or therapist that you and your wife both trust.  The rav/therapist can make it go much smoother and help you both deal with the issue.

In the short term, telling your wife is painful for both you and your wife, but from my experience and what I've read, in the long run, you'll both be better off.

Hatzlacha!

Thank you Gibbor and Ober for that. It has relieved some of my anxiety about the topic.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you guys know that I am still going strong. I have been set up with a sponsor and now must really begin my journey of recovery.

Over 2 wks at this point!! Chazzak V'amatz to Me!

anontyva wrote on 22 Nov 2011 21:22:

Thanks for the thanks!  It sounds like you have already started your journey.

Keep on trucking!

Good to hear of your early success.
Sounds like you're committed to doing whatever it takes to beat this.
Don't look back and keep taking it one day at a time

anontyva wrote on 10 Nov 2011 23:31:


Hey Anon,

i found a great help to be a voice in my head... what I mean is that you can download a pile of shmiras eynayim shiurim given by Reb Dovy, wonderful chizuk. I have 3 months worth (about 40 half hour clips) on my ipod and i listen to them whenever im on the bus etc.  Its a great distraction and keeps me holy.

the reading etc is great but when you're in the street and the eyes and mind start wandering, you need some chavrusahs to help you.  Reb Dovy is just a regular businessman, who loves Torah and jews, no judgement just support...

let me know if you need help to find the audio clips

worth gold, I guarantee it !!!!

obormottel wrote on 18 Nov 2011 21:05:


I read on one of the GYE emails that Dov, the GYE Zakein, does not believe in the need for telling her. I suggest seeing what Dov says. Then again, it depends on your relationship and how she takes it. Dont do it to unload your guilt as that may be for a selfish reason. ask yourself  why you are telling her.

Keep on truckin, youre doing great. the more you starve the yetzer, the more he looks for someone else to bother, like a bully...

Hashem Yaasfeni wrote on 23 Nov 2011 18:21:

Can you post the quote?  I seem to remember him saying to do it only after sober for a while etc.  I can definitely be beneficial to tell ones wife, as many here have testified.  But, it must be done at the right time, in the right way.

you can just do a search  KOT

I haven't found the search feature to be that good.

Yes i tried as well and its hard to find. will KO searching

don't try too hard.  It's not that big a deal.

I found the email from Dov HaZakein,

Here it is: sorry about lost formatting:

Don't Get too Detailed with your Wife



"Honest Mouse" writes:

I had a long chat with my wife about stuff and we grew a lot closer as a result. I realized something, real love is SO much better than lust!! Why do we even let it be a choice? It doesn't even compare! There are some emotional aspect to it all which I'm gonna discuss with my therapist, and my wife is gonna help me work through it.

Dov responds:

As I know absolutely nothing about the relationship you have with your wife, I should probably shut up. But as I am technically not talking but writing, here goes:


I found that the majority of the issues I had - particularly around lust - were way out of my wife's ability to truly comprehend. Oh, she definitely loved me and definitely thought she understood a bit about what must be vexing me, but she was making a few big mistakes. Like, that if I'd only be a really, really nice guy and really, really love her, I'd automatically be liberated from this garbage and be drawn to her and her alone. She honestly believed (or wanted to believe) that if I'd be faced with a really, really nice wife, I'd never "choose" to look to lust for help! She never understood that my allegiance and trust of lust never had anything to do with her at all, ever. Just like my childhood attachment to lust had nothing to do with her, of course. She thought I was the clean slate for her to paint a beautiful life on. Boy did I disappoint her. And myself.


Nu. I'm not talking about guilt. Guilt never helped me.


But I am just asking you to consider focusing on working with the shrink (or any third party) rather than with her, particularly on any inner emotional matter that affects your relationship with her, and particularly with respect to lust. I know this sounds crazy, cuz "aren't we supposed to be fostering communication and openness?" But it just didn't succeed that way for my wife and I. Even though the openness drew us closer at first, the fear and pain she felt, and my unrealistic expectation of understanding from her, always ended-up driving us farther apart. After about a year of my own sobriety, she began to notice positive change in my general (sexual and nonsexual) behavior. That seemed to give her the security she needed in order to begin tolerating a glimpse of my goofy inner maelstrom. Now I can - and do - share just about everything with her.


Her steadfast love for you is not in doubt! But her femininity=total obliviousness to what life is like with the very 'factory' for schar aveiro (yup, that's what the pleasure of lust is) and hefseid aveiro (it makes us depressed and then we usually turn to it even more!) built right onto your body 24/7! ...Now, that's just beyond any woman I know (except a shrink-type lady - unless she happens to be your wife!).


Finally, I believe that being your wife, this great lady is naturally dependent on your attachment and faithfulness to her in order to define her very wife-ness. It can be very frightening for a wife to actually begin to understand that her husband who is holding her right now, has a dark side. That he is not guaranteed to be fully in control of his desires for other women - be they in flesh, or even just in photos or mental fantasies of them. I believe that it is normal and healthy for a woman to feel this way, and it shouldn't be otherwise. Never lie to her about anything. But she truly deserves the fruit of your labors, not necessarily your labors themselves!


So, sometimes we get closer by giving each other some more space!

gibbor120 wrote on 23 Nov 2011 19:40:

Oh, I thought you meant guard.  But, I still disagree.  Dov wasn't talking about telling her initially.  I think he was talking about on an ongoing basis.  Even the title attests to this "Don't Get too Detailed with your Wife".  It's not about "not telling", it's about her level of involvement.