Keep up the good going! G-d loves you.

Anon, i've been following your thread and i want to belatedly welcome you and tell you how much of a pleasure and an inspiration to me it is to see your striving and efforts.
keep up your great work
wishing you much hatzlocha and brocha
zs

Thanx guys for the support and encouragement. Still powering along. I just needed to post because I got a very frustrating a stressful phone call at work today. Normally, to alleviate my stress (or as I've learned to Identify it as RID) I have acted out. So as I navigate through this crisis at work, I will need to use other skills to get through what I have repeatedly failed to get through in the past. For a while already, I have recognized that I used masturbation as a drug to calm myself down and relieve my stress.. exactly like Xanax. I dont want to use anymore so I need Hashem to give me the strength to survive. LETS GO!! I'll check back in later and let you know how it goes.  :-\

I usually find a short talk with hashem is really a help as well.

Keep on trucking. ~>

keep us posted how your day is going.

I think the hardest part of the crisis is done with.. I guess we'll find out soon... being busy has helped me stay occupied and clean (even though that hasnt stopped me in the past). A big thing, I just realized, is that I am alone in the office today, which that by itself is a trigger because my sick mind tells me nobody is watching. Um, what about Hashem, you friggen idiot!?? But, nonetheless, I have not used my drug of choice to escape from my stress here at work. Tell me if you have felt this as well. Even though at this very moment I feel strong and capable, my experience tells me that on the drop of a dime I can completely fall apart and use and get so aroused that theres no turning back... JUST LIKE THAT!! NO WARNING! No Nothing! JUST LIKE THAT!! > > :-[ Its so frustrating. Thats why over the past week I'm literally living minute by minute, not getting complacent, and being on guard 24/7!!. Anyway, I'll check back in later...

PS. Its really cool to see my "name" on the 90 day wall!! 

Being alone always makes it harder. And i'm the same idiot as you, I would tell myself "He is watching" and then the other voice would say "but you NEEEEEED it SOOOOOOOO bad....."  :-[

Keep On Trucking, one mile day at a time! (Or one hour, one minute, whatever it takes). And watch out for those potholes and slippery spots.

Gevura!

I can totally relate to resorting to self-soothing after being confronted with a slightest challenge.
Good for you for recognizing it for what it is: drugging yourself to escape reality and difficulties.
This here programm, I hope, will teach me how to eventually deal with life on life's terms.
There is nothing that I and G-d cannot handle (from chizuk email).
Hang in there!
See you tomorrow sober?

Well I made it through today. Day 9!!! Go me! Things are going well Baruch Hashem!! I still need to begin working the program. I have been making meetings pretty much every day but I still need a sponsor and start working the steps. I dont want to have to fall, get all miserable and filled with self-doubt. I am doing it and I want to REALLY and GENUINELY do it right with a program of recovery because I know that will give me the tools to stay clean for a longer time.

keep the good going.

regards-

hm.

anontyva you're an inspiration.
Keep at it!

Thanks guys. Support and knowing you're out there (wherever that is) is encouraging and helpful. Ober, an inspiration..?? not quite yet, although you are feeding steaks to my ego!

I still am really struggling with shmiras ainayinm and wanting to look at women on the street. I have not resorted back to porn. I enjoy in like ice cream! Its mamash eye candy! Sweet Candy! Who can resist it all the time?????? There's a part of me that really wants to continue with that but the healthy part of know full well what thats going to lead to. INSANITY!!
I was reading a post(s) about people staying clean and slipping. I have such mixed feelings when I read that. Part of me gets hopeless and feels its inevitable that I'm going to fall and my mind starts burning its tires in my head.."Vrmmm Vrmm, you're gonna fall... Vrmmm Vrmmm, You're gonna fail.. Fall.. Fail.. Nuu fall and fail.. Faller..Failler" The other part of me is reminded just how hard this is and how much harder the work the needs to be. As I approach 10 days clean, I am trying to remember the last time I had this long clean. I also dont want to focus on "being clean"; I want to focus on "recovery from the disease/allergy." But the Yetzer HaRaah to "just look" gets so strong that I dont know what to do!!! I dont want to be a dry drunk!!!!! Hashem Help Me!!!

What work are you doing?  You can't fight it head on.  It's not always the effort that counts, but using the right tools.  It's hard to bang a nail in with a screwdriver, but it's not very effective.  Using a hammer is much easier, but also a lot more effective.  Trying really hard to bang in a nail with a screwdriver is .... well screwy .

Use the right tool for the job.  I'm not sure what that is for you.  But, there are lots of people with good ideas here.

You are an inspiration because you don't throw in the towel when the going gets tough, like some other guys I know (the guy who masturbates less comes to mind).
If you read my thread (shameless self-promotion) you will see that you're saying / feeling almost to the word what I was feeling on my day 9 etc.
It will get easier. Stick with the program, use its tools.
You will be nice and sober one day. But don't think about that day.
Think about staying sober today. That's all. One day at a time.

gibbor120 wrote on 17 Nov 2011 23:00:


I am frequenting this forum. Posting and reading others. I have been calling in to the phone meetings pretty much everyday... and.... um.... yeah, thats pretty much all I can think of. Like I've written before, I know there is much more to do including reading the handbook and getting a sponsor (which I have reached out to someone for) and working the steps. But so far, I've been stagnant with all that. Gulp!!

Ober, I have just spent some time readin your posts. So much identification there, especially with going to the amud (and just plain davening/learning/other mitzvos) stained. B'Chasdei Hashem its many pages so I will be sure to go back there and read some more. I do want to comment on something that really hit me, though.
I cant believe you had the courage to tell your wife.. I'm not sure if you just came clean to her or she caught you but either way, to totally tell her about the depths of what we do is beyond my capacity to understand (no negative tone here). Whenever my wife even sniffs around this issue I am filled with anxiety and fear!! I pashut LIE! The couple of times she has caught on to SOME of what I have been up to at most I am modeh b'miktzas at most! She even brought it up again (a few times actually) the last few days with statements like.. "Do you have a problem with.. you know what..??" "Do you look at other women??" In my head I'm saying "You have no idea!!!" but my mouth says, "No, c'mon!!" I feel so horrible about it. I TOTALLY have a problem. But for the first time I'm actually putting in a SINCERE effort to do something about it. A big part of me wants to tell her so I dont have to live with the lie and the deceit but I cant imagine how she would accept it or (quite frankly) not leave me!! I must tell you that my wife and I really have such a fantastic relationship. Does she provide me with what I need sexually? Not as much as I would like (is that a surprise?) But we really are best friends and get along amazing! Anyway, I would love to hear more about it if you dont mind (perhaps in a private message, which I'm not sure how to even check).

Have a great Shabbos chevra!! You guys have really helped get through these first 11 days. You guys rock!! ;D