48 hours down.. life long journey to go... Today was very rough. Baruch Hashem, I made it. Thank you for your support. With G-d's love and will I'll be back at it tomorrow! One thing I had no choice but to internalize today is that at this point I can not do this one day at a time.. I MUST do this one minute (maybe even second) at a time.  :o ??? :-[ ;D. It truly is amazing how my thoughts can totally consume me. How I can become so irritable and filled with anxiousness all because I am trying to do whats best for me. I can remove the irritability and anxiety very easily but I am here because of that exact reason!! What a nasty cycle!! Insanity! Breathe.... breathe... one minute at a time!! Hatzlacha to us all!!!

brother, that is exactly the sentiment expressed by all startlets. see anyone's early posts, and they will reflect exactly the feelings youare describing.
this too shall pass. hang in there, you are doing the right thing.

anontyva wrote on 09 Nov 2011 20:48:


I had a huge problem with intrusive thoughts, images, and fantasies when I first started out.  When these came, I immediately started davening.  This is the nusach I used, based on the 12 steps:

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship with You and Your Torah.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust."

I'd say it dozens of times a day.
After much hammering and anguish, the fantasies stopped knocking.
The beginning is murder.  Which is why I'll never go through it again.  B'ezras Hashem.  One day at a time.  One right decision at a time.

Just wanted to check in. Baruch Hashem, My 3rd day has been going well so far. I made my second straight meeting although I didnt connect with it as much as I did yesterday which is fine because not everyday is gonna be some eye-opening experience. My thoughts have calmed down some today and I am able to focus more at work. All too often, I have fell without any warning so I am still very much living one minute at a time. One thing that I have gotten so far in my less that 3 day journey is that for the first time I am not keeping all this defeat inside of me. As impersonal as it may be on this forum, I know that you reading and repsonding are real, Jewish struggling people just like me. I have someone to share my daily struggles with. I have someone I can go to instead of where I really (dont) want to go to. I can share, read, and identify with people who all sound just like me. Still breathing.. another few hours to complete my third day. Hashem is with me because I am allowing him to take me on His journey because my path just sucks!!!

Keep posting, letting it out makes it so much easier!

And realize that you are going through withdrawal. Your body is fighting the sudden absence of that pleasure that it craves so much. It's just like stopping smoking or drugs. When I stopped "cold turkey" after 30 years of incessantly acting out, I was physically ill and almost suicidal for a couple of weeks. But after I got over that it was so much easier.

So hang in there, it will get easier soon!

Gevura!

Rock on bro!

Keep turning the struggle over to Hashem.

After 3 clean days you can get on a 90-day chart! It's an additional chizuk tool that worked so well for so many.
Hatzlocho!

3 days clean  ;D ;D ;D. The second part of my day was a bit harder than my first. But I have made it! Hashem, I love you so much!!!!! Thank you for answering my tefillos! I read in another post about using the word "masturbation/masturbate" in our actual tefillos. I did that today and it was weird but relieving at the same time. I am glad that I am finding the accurate words to use and not just asking Hashem to take my desire for women away. I am happy to be a heterosexual but I dont want to be a lusting animal that is driven from below.

I caught myself today still struggling with my wandering eye. Going shopping... passing an office next door to me that has what to look at... etc. I will need to work on that. One day at a time... Breathe... ok veiter!!!

Yes, yes, you're doing it.  the beginning for me was about just how really serious I was about stopping falling head first into whatever lust trigger crossed my eyeballs.  I had to really look at what was in front of me--that if I did this, if I was really serious about stopping by any means necessary, then this was going to be forever.  I would be honest with myself that I wasn't going to play around with this program.  No matter if I fell, I was going to take my recovery seriously.  Dead seriously.

Keep on Trucking.  I love how you're taking it one little teeny bit at a time.  And those little bits add up to a day, for which you have been granted a temporary reprieve.

hatzlocho

1daat. I was thinking about my RECOVERY alot since I last posted. I am nervous that I am focusing on staying clean but not really starting my "recovery." I feel great with my progress and with my motivation and even 3+ days of success. But what about Recovery. I made 2 consecutive meetings. I wont be able to make a meeting today. Did I call the numbers of the people that graciously gave me their numbers? NO. Did I read the GYE handbook as suggested by the veterans of Lust addiction? NO. Did I install a filter on my work computer? NO. I was speaking with a newcomer to NA today and he told me that he doesnt want to tell some of his old running buddies to get away because he wants to keep the door slightly ajar so if he chooses to relapse he can just go back to them without burning his bridge with them. I was thinking, "Oh !#@$@ thats what I'm doing!! I'm keeping the option open for me just in case I just cant take it anymore and I want to act out." With that "Aha" moment, do you think I installed the filter? Yup you got it...NO!! So yes, I'm concerned about my recovery! In perhaps a related note, my davening today was incredible. First time in a long time my standard morning shachris had some feeling and emotion. Loved it!!

Your honesty is an important first step.
This thing isn't easy to let go of.
But your life and your sanity are worth it.
A life of true freedom is truly a life.

Anontyva, you are doing it! Admittedly slowly and imperfectly, but that's about how it gets done. Let me throw two sound bites at you:
1. Time takes time.
2. Progress, not perfection.
I just learnt theses lines and am still learning to understand them.
So I read the handbooks, and subscribe to emails, and I installed the filter and gave someone else the password. I hope you can join me, so we can discuss other great lines of AA and SA, like It's the inside job or Poor me, Poor me, Pour me a drink.

Hello Chevra! Just wanted to check in. Had a great shabbos, still going strong. My goal for the next couple of days is to get a sponsor and to start working the program. Wish me luck!

I'm going to write here instead of going to act out. Its really amazing how this fight can come and go... one second your fine and the next you are in a heavy gun battle with mortars going off all around you. HASHEM, Please help me fight back!!! Trying to make to the end of the week to complete my first week on this journey that I pray last the rest of my life! Be strong!! Give it to Hashem because I obviously cant do it on my own.

Keep at it friend.  It does eventually get easier.