I have never spoken about this topic with anyone before as it's a very sensitive topic for me.  It puts me in an extremely vulnerable place.  Sexuality more than any other topic.  However this has been eating at me for years and I figured that as soon as I got married all of my sexual issues would be solved.  How wrong I was.  Many of them are worse now.  I've been really davening hard for this (will discuss what "this" is soon) lately and feel that Hashem is setting up my life and situation to heal.  For instance, about 2.5 months ago I started going to Al-anon meetings completely unrelated to anything sexual.  I then got into an argument with my parents and they requested that I see my dad's therapist with them who happens to be a major 12 step advocate as well as a sex addiction counselor.  He pushed me into meetings seriously and they have been amazing.  But again, nothing sexually.  Then my dad tells me on Yom Kippur night that he's a recovering sex addict and how the 12 steps and SA meetings have changed his life.  He then told me about this site.

I never thought of myself to have any sexual issues.  I was a "normal" teenager masterbating at will (grew up in a baal teshuva modern family).  As I became more religious I figured it's just the yetzer harah and sometimes I would succeed sometimes not.  I even cut out porn for the most part a few years ago.  That I am sure has helped greatly but my lust remains.  As a matter of fact now that I look back, I always seemed to be afraid of sexual intimacy...kind of the opposite (in certain ways) of sex addiction.  Then I began to learn new meanings of sex addiction.  Lust, masterbation, and unhealthy intimacy overall are starts.

As a kid growing up I grew up in a relatively dysfunctional home.  My father was a dry drunk and clean drug addict turned sex addict who is now "clean."  My mother is and was co-dependent.  My two older brothers and I turned into drug and alcohol abusers as well...then to clean up but never to heal the addiction side of things.  I was never sexually molested but one occurrence in my life keeps eating at me and this, I have never spoken about.  When I was 13 and 14 there was this 26 year old guy in the community.  We became extremely close friends...or so I thought.  I was going through a very depressing time in my life and he "saved" me by taking me out, buying me cigarettes, weed and getting drunk with me at his apartment.  Of course it didn't stop there.  He'd show me porn (as well as many other kids in the community) and even masturbate with me while watching me.  Many times drunk or just in emotional turmoil, I let him convince me by him saying 'I've seen many 14 year old boys penises before."  It just made sense at the time and I went along with it.  The closest he came to physically molesting me was back or while he was on ecstasy or acid.  I was never touched more than that. 

So I am scared because now I also feel attracted to boys (and girls) in their teens.  I have never done anything, would never do anything and abstain from pornography (due to the immense guilt) but the lust and the obsessive thinking and internal alienation lurks form within.  I am more attracted to male/females of any age (typically younger) who seem vulnerable.  I guess I feel like a victim and don't like feeling alone.  I enjoy sex with my wife but am not as intimate or turned on as I know is healthy.  We just got married a few months ago.  For a short stint in dating I was completely beside myself in lust for her.

I am glad I have found this forum although reading the few things that I read did not give me so much hope and encouragement.  I have not read any similar stories in which people have healed and recovered.  I need to know that I am normal and that I will heel from this diseased thinking. 

Hello Stealth and Welcome!
You're in the right place and I'm glad you're here.
I have some things to say, but need to work now.
Take a look at this thread meanwhile:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4125.0
Talk to ya later
Alex

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

OK. Lunch break.
It sounds like you're more plugged in to recovery stuff than most people when they arrive here.  When I came here 2-1/2 years ago, I was at the end of my rope.  I had given up p*, but continued to have perverse, disturbing, intrusive fantasies and images out of nowhere.  And at the most inopportune times, like Modim or Kedusha.

I found working the steps very helpful.  Admitting powerlessness meant that I would have to do everything I could to avoid visual triggers, and triggering situations (like boredom).  I committed to extreme shmiras eynayim -- no first looks.  I even stopped checking out my wife unless it's b'shaas maaseh, or immediately before.  Lust is lust.

When intrusive thoughts came, I turned that part of the battle over to Hashem with immediate tefilla (nusach below).  I did this as soon as I became aware of the thought, as soon as I detected it.  I davened about this dozens of times per day.  I got better at this early detection and interception.  So good in fact, that I can sometimes sense a lustful thought coming before I even know what it is.  I just sense that part of my brain firing up.  When this particular thing happens, it's usually enough to just open my eyes, or turn my gaze, or just stop daydreaming, and it's gone before it even comes.  This comes with much repetition.

When lustful thoughts do get in, I say this tefilah, based on the Torah 12 steps:
"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust.

As you gradually let go of lust, you will find your marital encounters moving to true intimacy and joy.

You're at the beginning of a wonderful journey.  Thanks for sharing it with us.

Alex

What was the single most powerful change you made to your life (after giving up porn) in order to clear your mind and heart of these lusts?

Committing to giving up lust

stealth123 wrote on 11 Oct 2011 18:14:

I would have to say total shmiras aynaim, which in my case includes but is not limited to:
1. Not gazing on the streets or any public place, like supermarkets, parks etc.
2. No looking at billboards or any other advertisement, even "just to see".
3. No movies, newscasts, tv (I don't own a set, so that's one eaasy)
4. No magazines other than Bina  or N'shei Chabad
5. Not looking directly at women I have to come in contact with (business etc).
That was single and most powerful if you measure powerful bu impact.
5.

obormottel wrote on 11 Oct 2011 19:10:

hey i love bina too!
but the most important thing was saying tehillim

wow stealth, powerful confession.  great time, great place to do it.
I have to admit, you sound very high risk in terms of all the factor.  family of addicts.  abused yourself.  it's a very high risk situation IMHO.  You are smart that you've caught it early and need to seek help to the best of your ability.  Gcd help you, you are doing great, and need to continue, for the entire Jewish people is depending on you.

You are a blessed fellow to find this sight so young. Many don't for many years. I personally can't help you with your issue, but I hope you find someone who does. Much Hatzlacha

You are very lucky to have a dad in real recovery. I guess he is in real recovery, for if not, why would he open up to you about his meetings and stepwork? Perfect, I am sure he is not, but recovering one day at a time with Hashem's loving help. It's amazing indeed. I shared my story and program with a relative who was having a drinking problem, just to let her know that there really is help, if you want to go for it. No one can put you in recovery. Meetings, maybe, but not recovery. Either you want it, or you do not. If you do, anyone can take it, and so can you. I guess your dad sees this and is offering it to you.

As far as being molested, you were, my friend. A 26 yo man having sex with himself while teenage boys watch him, is molestation. Not physical, but mental and visually, it is molestation, in my book. It creates twisted expectations and understandings of sex that are wrong. You can definitely heal from it.

No, you are not alone, by far. I spent a few years very attracted to boys and it was confusing. I discovered that it was mainly to boys who looked feminine, and I also discovered that it is a common sentiment that many other guys have. It stems from more confusion - after all, we spent years having sex with ourselves as teenage boys, didn't we? For isn't masturbating just having sex with yourself? As you get progressively free of lust with Hashem's help, you will heal in other ways, too. This will take a while, perhaps a year or so, to realize your entire life is on a different, safer footing.

Avoid ecstasy and religious excitement that comes with quick fixes. Please avoid getting better 'this week', or 'today'. Recovery that you really need, based on what you are describing here, does not come in a day, but it only comes one day at a time. Patience, and remember that you are worth it.

Take real action, not fake action. Look out for meaningless, cheap action. Hatzlocha. You will succeed, chaver.

Dov, please message me.

stealth123,

I may not have had the horrible experiences you had, bh, but i also have confusing attractions to younger boys (and girls). if i am in a mikve with yeshiva bochurim who have no beard, etc, i start thinking mishnayos and tanya bal peh so i dont get an errection. in fact, pretty much every time im in the mikve (every day) i think tanya baal peh so as not to lechashel as the feeling of being naked, other people being naked in the same room as me, just starts me off and so im always on guard - especially coz who wants an erection suddenly in the mikve??!! there was also a bochur in yeshiva that looked very young that i would always just stare at him instead of learning sometimes. he was particularly appealing to me. this very much confused me until i realised that his face reminds
me of a girls face.

My father is also addicted, but he doesnt want help (as far as i know). hes had affairs, lives a double life even has some girlfriend overseas he visits as a 'business trip' once every 3 months and even has a secret bank account which he supports this girlfriend from. he is a sick man. he is up all night long on porn, adult chat lines, etc. i used to spy on him when i was 7, 8 years old. and when i was 10 i saw all the stuff on his computer at work when he wasnt around and i was hooked.

believe me, trooper you are not alone.
COL HACAVOD that you are here!!!

"helpme" - powerful stuff.  I hope you get the help you need.  One question though, if the mikvah is a nisayon for you, why go there?

Helpme, I'm with you all the way on the mikva thing. Personally I only go Erev Yom Tov, so i'm off the hook until Pesach time.

I don't think it's allowed to think divrei torah in the mik, but maybe considering the alternative....Lately i just think about a red-white-and-blue flying monster truck  .

And when i was in yeshiva i had the same problem, it's hard to concentrate when the eyes are roaming.... :-[

Stealth, I feel for you so much. B"H I did not have the awful experiences you had, but my childhood was very lonely, and i find myself in a similar place now. Stay on board here, open up and share, it's the best thing I ever did.

Let's all Keep On Trucking!!

Gevura!