Raboisai!

Where do I start?!

I am 27, Married with a child, I'm addicted to pornography for over about 8 years... 8 years of living hell with my Neshomo. I cant stop, I have taken brakes but slip right back into the dirty filth of the Internet... I work in the Kiruv field and quite successful in what I do, there isn't a day that goes by where i struggle, at least in Machshovo.

I fully believe in what I do and have full Emuna in Hakodosh Boruch Hu. in other words The pain of my addiction is so painful being that I know that i'm vialating toroseinu hakdosha.

My marriage is very good, BH. My wife know mildly about my addiction.

We stand now before Rosh Hashana and wish that I can go into next year without slipping and betraying my tora.

Please help me in any way possible.

Racer

hello racer!, that was a good race, you actually won your race!
you came to the right spot, we are all in the same boat
we all started with being clean only for one day, then only for one more, and so forth
so stay tuned in and start counting TODAY
get a good filter on your computer, and dont cheat yourself, as "YOU" want to come out of it, correct?
and come to rosh hashono to daven with a real clean new sheet

BARUCH HASHEM, You came to the right place, MAZEL TOV, this a huge step.

I wish you all the best JUST TODAY, JUST NOW!  ;D

WELCOME to the best community there is!  You are in the right place my friend. Here's the official welcome.  Go over the material and stick with us.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

welcome Racer!

you have the mode of transport right, we truck along on GYE, so racing is the way to go. sometimes we only race on tricycles though, only taking small - but consistent - steps in the right direction.

you will find that many others share your struggle and we can all gain by sharing. you can give and get chizuk. stick around and read the material and see what others have done.

wishing you a ksiva vechasima tova and much hatzlocha
zs

Racer,
As you have been seeing, we are all trying to be honest, straight, yiras shamiyim, and we all suffer.  Whatever happens from here on out- NEVER give up, that is the bottom line.

Little question- hate to pry- are there women involved in your kiruv work?  (I imagine you see where this question is going)

Hashem Emachem! Shana Tova

welcome racer,

I read your post and can't help but notice how incredibly fortunate you are on so many counts.
Starting with your title "I'm hopeful but addicted", I'm already impressed. That is EXACTLY  where you should be. As you continue exploring this website, you'll find out just how important it is to recognize that you have an addiction. Many people struggle to see this but you're already there. On the other hand, you have hope and that is great. The positive attitude is so important.

You mentioned two other important points. You said that your marriage is very good and that your wife knows a bit about your addiction. WOW! You have no idea how fortunate you are. If your marriage is good and your wife already knows a bit of what's going on (I have a feeling she knows a lot more that you think she does), you can get so much support from her. I would hint to her a bit that she can talk to you openly about it.

Lastly, the fact that you still have a strong emuna, the fact that you feel bad when sinning, is an incredible gift. There are so many people on this forum who don't have any feeling left in them. There are so many people who are numb to the pain in their Neshama.
So manny people experience a drastic loss of Emunah and do not believe in what they are doing in Judaism.

You are truly fortunate for all these blessings. I can see you rising up and removing yourself completely from this sin. It is so easy for me to envision you doing complete teshuva and transforming. You have so much going for you.
As long as you take your recovery seriously and stay on this website, posting often and using the tools, I envision you going so far.

With love and admiration,

KH

Welcome Rabbi Racer!
You've taken the critical step of admitting you're addicted.
Here's a quick-start while you're reading through the materials Gibbor linked you to:

Guard your eyes at all times.  If something assur attracts your gaze (inevitable), bounce off it, look elsewhere.

Guard your mind against fantasies and internal images.  When they come, try this tfila based on the 12 Torah steps: (modify to your style)

Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.

Only You can restore me to sanity.

I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust.  I only want You and a relationship with You and your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife. Take my lust. I don't want to lust.

When I first started here I said this dozens of times a day.  Don't give in.  Take it one day at a time.  You goal is to give up lust.  It's a strange and unsettling idea at first, but Hashem will do it for you if you keep asking sincerely.

Hatzlacha.  And thanks for doing kiruv for Klal Yisroel.
Alex

Dear All.

I cant tell you how refreshing it is to finally lay the cards on the table, I feel that I have met a new Family of friends... I must tell you that I am working to start my year off clean, I do know that the Soton is still somewhere around me waiting for that given moment to snatch me away from my bubble of happiness and aseres yemei teshuva spirit.

Some of you have made interesting and very encouraging observations of my earlier post -which i deeply appreciate, in answer to one of the questions asked regarding working with women, the answer is not really, and to be honest its not the source of the problem, I think the problem started years ago and now its just bad habit and bordam.

I will keep on looking through this site for guidance and support.

Thank you all from the depth of my heart.

Gmar Tov

Racer00

Welcome racer.

I wish you all the best and much success. The journey might be hard, but b'ezh we will all get there.

In terms of bad habit and boredom, I don't think they tend to accurately name the problem as much as does addiction.