I want to re-introduce myself; I am a sex addict. I have spent 1000's of hours of my precious life watching porn,masturbating, and lusting. I can not be alone with a computer because I will watch porn. I can not look at attractive women because I will lust. I can not take a shower with the door locked because I will masturbate. I know that if I dont stay focused on my addiction I will absolutely fall. I am a strong person, but my addiction is far stronger then me. I receive the daily emails and they keep me focused, however I want to share more. I want to be even more focused then I am. I want chizuk from you, and I want to be a chizuk to you.

I'm Yossi and I AM AN ADDICT

Now that I am writing without thinking I'm going to type away. I was an addict, so stooped in my addiction that even while outwardly admitting i was an addict inwardly i denied it wholeheartedly. For the first 6 months that my mouth uttered the words "im a sex addict" my brain said "no your not". After i hoit rock bottom and i couldnt deal with my complete fraudness i finally genuinely accepted that i was a full fledged addict. This made me even more stooped in my addiction. I didnt want to leave my comfort zone. I would even be clean for a week just so that i can justify to myself when i break it that "oh wow, i was clean for a week". Then it became to much for me to handle. I started dating and every girl i went out with i felt like i was lying to them. I felt like i was hiding the deepest darkest secret and i was a fraud and a liar. The truth is; i was! i was lying to myself every single day just so that i could continue my addiction. I started going to intense Physocology( i was tempted to write"therapy" instead of "Physchology" but i wrote phsycology anyways) and after a few weeks i was finally truly able to BELIEVE that i was completely and utterly powerless to my addiction. I gtg, ill continue tomorrow iyh.

welcome here we are one family all suffering along with you by us you are a equal so get some chizuk and be on the better road.

Only when I truly believed I was powerless was I able to begin on this journey towards recovery. It's been 3 years since I began recovery, And in those three years I was blessed more then in my entire previous 22 years of life. It began with being honest with myself and those around me, and it evolved into full blown realizations of how deficient and shattered my inner being was. I was so afraid of living in reality that I made my fantasy my reality. I started to realize that I wanted to be a strong person. I valued honesty, integrity, and self control so much, yet I myself was the opposite of it. I started to realize(with the guidance of my therapist and those close to me) that the root of all my fraudness was my addiction. It was quite a crippling realization at first, because the last thing I wanted to deal with was my addiction. It was my safety net, and I couldn't imagine life without it. But God gave me power. He gave me the power to look myself in the mirror and say, "if not now, then when?" and I held myself back, for the very first time in my life from masturbating. That night I went into bed and I didn't bring the computer with me. The next morning I realized that that was the first time I ever battled back at my addiction. From there I started climbing and this past year I had a 6 month period of complete cleanliness. I am now clean for three days. My last fall was 4 days ago. There was a new women who was hired in my office and upon being introduced to her I was very careful not to stare at her. However, my male co-workers started chattering about her body parts and I didn't walk away. Two minutes later I lusted after her. I felt terrible, but I quickly recovered and turned away. I know that if I'm not constantly locked into the mentality that I am absolutely powerless then I will inevitably fall. Hence I'm sharing a succinct synapsis of my story, and I'm looking forward towards my bright clean future.

wow yossi, I'm completely inspired by your story and your hard work in recovery. I'm curious, are you married yet?

Welcome Yossi!
Sounds like you've taken some huge steps in terms of accepting some very uncomfortable truths about yourself.  Further, you have admitted powerlessness over lust, and that your life has become unmanageable.  Sounds suspiciously familiar to the beginning of the 12 steps.  The next move is turn turn the battle over to Hashem.  Because you can't fight something you're powerless over.
Hatzlocha!
Alex

Yes I am married. I got married in my second year of recovery. God blessed me with the ability, and the right people around me, so that I would startvon this journey before I got married. Without recovery my marriage would be destined for failure.

You do great writing without thinking.Amazing honesty.Gut sha

"I valued honesty, integrity, and self control so much, yet I myself was the opposite of it."

Wow thanks for going into my thoughts and displaying this one for everyone!  ;-) 

Totally relate to that one.  I HATE liars, I HATE dishonesty, I HATE when I see guys looking at girls, I want to POUND them.  I HATE when I see guys staring at massage parlour and planning to go into them.  I want to PUNCH them for destroying society.  And I HATE when people are filled with HATRED, it's so destructive.  Why can't they just appreciate the good in this world!!  There is so much GOOD!

All these people that I HATE so much are parts of me.  I've lied.  I've been dishonest, I've looked at girls, stared at massage parlours in planning, and I've been filled with HATE, for others and for myself.

But I'm working the programme, working the steps.  Doing what I can.  If I fall 7 times I'll get up the 8th time.  It's labour. 

The "disease" is caused by the "I" solution, and isolation.  And being honest with others, getting out into a kehillah, with shared problems, will slowly bring healing. 

Thanks for sharing your story Yossi.  Yashar v'Koach

כל הפוסל במומו פוסל
We hate about others that which we see in ourselves.
Other people are a really good mirror 

welcome aboard Yossi,

you already have a great attitude and you are seriously working on yourself.
you have nowhere to go but UP!

(and i can only imagine how well you write when you do think )

Keep On Trucking!!!

Gevura!

Yossi.L. wrote on 26 Aug 2011 13:46:

quickly recovering doesn't constitute a FALL in my book. fall is an ominous word and should not be used unless it's absolutely called for. and finally, for the welcome package!
Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Tehillim Zugger; why is lusting after a women not a "fall". Yes, it's not a major fall such as master.... but it's still a fall. Should I not classify my cleanliness as complete total cleanliness from lust? Is that too extreme?

anything that has potential to bring atzvus and bring you down is too extreme, yes.

TehillimZugger wrote on 28 Aug 2011 10:14:


I dont think considering "lusting" as a fall is too extreme (if he wants to count it at as a fall), after all its always the lusting which brings us down and should therfore be avoided at all costs.
And for the atzvus part, does a full fall not bring us to atzvus.