b'h

hello  i am a teenager that has been frum now for over 2 years and i've gone through a lot. ever since i was a little boy, maybe three or four i was totally fascinated by that fact that i could use my body for fun. i remember being with girlfriends as small as 6-7 years old, watching porn, fantasizing etc. i am the youngest of four brothers. my brothers are much older than me, and as i grew up i watched them, starting at 12-13 years old have girlfriends, have sex, drugs, parties. etc. i was exposed to young girls constantly in our house, while the parents door were closed, or if they weren't home we constantly had parties with naked swimming, drugs etc. all sorts of things. so i too as i got older had my fair share of girlfriends, never going "all the way" but fooling around many times with tens of girls in our community. i was popular, known as the one that comes from family "xyz" and known to have been destined to fill in my brothers' shoes. i smoked and used drugs just a few times, and then my life changed when i was in a relationship with a certain girl. we moved to a new city and i found myself in a new school with new environments, uprooted from my old life where i was popular etc. and now found myself as just a normal boy in high school. it was a conservative jewish school. there was a chabad rabbi there and we became close, learning together, and i made one friend who was also observant. i slowly dropped my friends and slowly became very religious, leaving behind my old life "cold turkey". i was plagued at night by visions and fantasies of the girls i came to be close with, and i experienced nocturnal emissions all the time, but cried to G-d to help and just a few months ago did I finally have a streak of maybe 30 days without one. since i have been religious i haven't slipped up for zera"l except 4 times in a few years, i haven't been in touch with any girls or improper pictures or anything really. but i find myself as an outcast, not being totally accepted in the religious world because i am, even though much more religious than anyone in my entire community, a baal teshuva and i feel like everyone thinks i'm "overboard" etc. (trust me i'm not one of these baal teshuvas that take it crazy fast and really seem a bit off, i am a normal teenager, loves learning gemara and chassidus,and davening, gives shiurim to the public,etc.), [i mean, i dont feel like i have real friends except one or two, because i am embarassed of my family and upbringing, and people feel a little uncomfortable around sometimes, =/] and on the other hand i have such taavos for women. i know its lowly, i am disgusted by women showing off themselves like pieces of meat-- but i just have one question: why did i have to go this far, and why do i still have this intense passion to be with a women like i used to. i cry to G-d, i write poems to express my feelings, letters to Hashem and to the keverof tzadikkim to help me out--but really even though is it in a beis medrash infused with torah and elokus, i just can't help looking at the seminary girl or other girls where i live (i live in israel). it's confusing why all of this trouble-- i mean for what really? i know i can use my urge in kedusha when i am married, but who knows in how long that will be? i know that Hashem doesn't give you more than you can handle, but how can i seriously just get by and forgive myself for one the one hand being a respectable yeshiva bochur, with good middos, etc--and on the other hand desiring women more than anything in the world- i can't really talk to my rabbis about this, because i am seen in the public eye as a very respectable bochur, and if i talk to my family about this, it's just another reason for them to see how bad religion is, for taking a perfectly normal routine (sex, girls, fun) from young men---so i ask your opinions about this- just maybe have some insight on how to cope, etc.

i hope all will be well, it's just our lack of vision of the entire picture that sometimes that gets in our way
so this is my story (more or less obviously lacking many details)

if you took the time to read this , thanks, all the brachot

Wow!  That was quite a beautiful and honest first post.  You are not alone.  The details of every persons story are different, but we are really, more or less, all in the same boat.  Stick around and you will definitely grow here!

WELCOME!

Buddy, you are a Tzadik, you have come further then many many people come in 20 years and you say you have done it in 2!

So you have  a couple of things you havent perfected yet, OK. Don't get down on yourself keep positive and keep on working on it. It is normal to have a "taava"  for women and to want to look at them, that's how Hashem made us and that's what He wants us to work on. If you beat this whole thing now what will you do for the rest of your life?

Second don't be embarrassed by your family, they don't know any better. Be accepting and warm to them but at the same time be firm in your own beliefs.

But the most important thing is not to be sad or frustrated don't get depressed by your seemingly constant failures.  Cherish the victories and put thte failures out of your mind immediately.

Much Hatzlacha,

hi and welcome,

quite a story you've got there! ashrecha ve'ashrecha!
Hashem imcha gibor hachayil

you are not different than any of us here. many people are pursuing ruchniyos, davening learning and doing mitzvos, and surprisingly their taavah stays as a powerful force. the simplest explanation is probably that we have a body and a soul, yetzer tov and ra, nefesh bahamis and nefesh elokis, so it's a tug-of-war and we are the rope

read up around here and see others' stories and you will see that you are far from alone.

one thing which might help you a lot is is you can find a trusted rebbe or mashpia you feel comfortable with to open up to about your struggles, it can be an enormous relief and it can cut the struggle down to size. something kept in your heart and mind without any outlet tends to 'grow a beard and payos' and grow into an oversized gimongous seven-headed monster the size of the Azrieli towers.

wishing you the very best
zs

here is the welcome package for all newcomers:
Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

b'h

thanks for the nice words. i just sometimes have a hardtime understanding why things are so hard, but i guess l'fum tzaara agra "according to the pain is the reward". i am sure it will be good

Me3 wrote on 16 Aug 2011 14:19:

me 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're a real tzaddik and we all have a lot to learn from you
stick around and give us chizuk will'ya