ur-a-jew wrote on 11 Aug 2011 22:16:


I strongly disagree and don't think you can adequately judge their relationship.

gibbor120 wrote on 12 Aug 2011 12:56:


You're right, they may have a "great" relationship.  I was focused on the "open" aspect.  Truth is I thought I had a great relationship too and I probably did, but a relationship in which the husband is sober, giving and fully focused on his wife's needs is incomparable to the "great" relationship I thought I had.  Hatzlacha

obormottel wrote on 11 Aug 2011 23:54:


Obormottel what's done was done and with Hashem's help will be for the best.  Making it right "b'eyney odom," however, does not always mean that we have to tell a person who we wronged that we wronged them.  Sometimes telling the person that we wronged them will just hurt them more.  I can make it right to a person that I've harmed --- particularly one that I have an ongoing relationship with --- by changing my conduct going forward.  Also, next time our spouse asks us to do something that we really don't want to do, we can do it anyway to "make-up" for our past wrongs.

But let's address the basic question, what steps are you taking to make sure that it doesn't happen again.  You look like someone who wants t and is trying to grow.  I imagine you have tried to stop before.  How will this time be different?

Hatzlacha.

very wise words from UAJ (as usual)

I didn't realize that I should post my recovery plan here, it seems pretty straight-forward: follow the steps etc.
But since you asked, and everyone here seems to be very wise and know what they're talking about, I'll be happy to share which steps I am taking and in which order, to get me where I need to be.
Since this is not Talking to wife anymore, I'll start a new thread.
I would still welcome input on Talking to Wife, I think it's important to have this info available, so that other new guys don't do what I did (if we agree that telling my wife was wrong, which I am still not fully convinced - I know I did it wrong, but perhaps there is a right way to do it, and early on in recovery, too).

obormottel wrote on 12 Aug 2011 21:03:

There is a nice long thread on this in the balei batting forum.
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=938.0.
Sounds good about the new thread it will help you in your journey.
Have a wonderful shabbos

thank you, ur-a-jew, ur-a-man! I just got access today to the married folk forum, so I'm off to read what you sages say there.
Gut Shabbos.