Ok, I know this whole "am I an addict" question has been discussed elseweher on this forum, but if you will please indulge me, I would like to empty (some of) the contents of my brain on this topic, as least as it relates to me personally.

First a post from guard:
guardureyes wrote on 03 Aug 2011 18:34:


From Dov:
[/quote]dov wrote on 04 Aug 2011 01:33:


Ok, here is the truth about me.  By myself, I was never successful for more than 205 days in a row before I got married.  Yes, I once made it 205 days.  I kept a calendar during my yerida, teshuva... roller coaster.  Once I got married, I was able to stay clean for a few months at a time, but could never break free completely.  I once made it through an entire year without a fall.  Again, I eventually returned.  Now that my wife knows, I am clean for over 2 years.

So here is my issue.  I clearly can't do it on my own.  Even in these 2 years, I have had some very difficult moments.  Moments in which the only thing that saved me was the knowledge that I'd have to fess up to my wife, and that was just too painful.  It is so painful for her (and therefore for me too). 

I was definitely in a downward spiral where I needed more and more.  From what I understand, one of the symptoms of addiction is needing more stimulation to get the same effect.  I clearly acted out in ways that were self destructive such as at work, where I knew it could cost me my job, but did it anyway.  I did it at home where I also knew I could get caught.  I didn't have a lot of alone time at home, but as my need became greater, I would look at porn even when the risk of getting caught was greater.

I knew, in the back of my mind, that I would get caught because of this.  I even think that I desired to get caught, because I knew that I could not stop on my own.

So here's the question.  Like I said, I clearly can't stop on my own, not for the long term anyway.  On the other hand, with some outside help (AKA my wife), I have been clean for quite a long time.  OTOH, I don't feel like I have changed all that much.  I have made certain gedarim and I have made strides in shemiras aynayim etc... but that goes in cycles as well.

Part of me says,  well, I am doing ok, so just KOT.  The other part says "wait a minute", there is more to this than staying clean.  As is discussed so often, there are underlying reasons I feel the "need" to act out.  I haven't really addressed those.  So then I say, I would really like to atttend SA.  At which point the other part of me says, SA is not for people who have been clean for 2 years.  Then the other part remembers what Rabbi Twerski says about being a "dry drunk".  Am I just a "dry sexaholic"?  Part of me (a really sick part) even wishes that I was worse off than I am.  Then I would know that I need SA.  Being in doubt isn't easy.

I hope I have adequately expressed my total and utter confusion ... um "clearly"  ;D.

gibbor120 wrote on 16 Aug 2011 15:07:

reading you loud and 'clear'

i had a similar quandary not long ago and i identify with what you wrote. in a way if you have a stretch of sobriety behind you it is hard to feel powerless and desperate, like the alcoholic sleeping in the gutter...

btw, there are phone groups that work the steps, might be something to look into.

how's the weight-lifting Gibbor?

maybe put them down for a minute and chow down with some sushi on rye bread with a pickle on the side

Thanks for asking,

I just finished reading HARRYS SON. 

WHOAA.  What happened to it?  I am in a daze.

Things are good.

I never tried putting sushi on rye bread.  I must be behind the times on that one.

Harry's Son is gonna put be up there with Homer and Huckleberry Finnberger one day

when you need your next literary fix here is another great one:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3348.msg95093#msg95093

gye is conductive to gastrointestinalogicalism research, check out the cholint thread

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 18 Aug 2011 18:37:


Yeah, they're not half bad at making up new words either.  Have you registered gastrointestinalogicalism in the GYE GLOSSARY OF TERMS?

gibbor120 wrote on 16 Aug 2011 15:07:


You can certainly be a dry sexaholic.  If the only thing keeping you from your drug is the threat of external repercussions, or lack of access, that describes a dry addict.

Perhaps this is why you feel you haven't really changed.  Staying clean by any means is a great accomplishment.  But recovery is more than that.  It's giving up wanting the drug.  Can you honestly say "I don't want to lust?"  Can you give your lust up to Hashem?  As an active addict, lust was an integral part of me.  My favorite part.  Because it got me high, gave me intense pleasure.  This part of my personality wasn't easy to give up.  That's where crying out to Hashem constantly came in.

That's real change.  And once you make it, you'll be able to take the fearless moral inventory you seek ("....underlying reasons I feel the "need" to act out.")

This is all my personal opinion.

Alex

Thanks for your reply. I think you HTNOTH (Hit The Nail On The Head).

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 18 Aug 2011 18:37:


Zemmy, I am flattered.

:-[

i will be convinced when you write another one

I have moved my main thread here.

ben durdayah wrote on 18 Aug 2011 20:11:


Thanks Zemmy and BD!  I just read it. It got me through to the end of Friday.  Boy, we could have a whole GYE talent show, we just couldn't tell anyone where it is .  There is more talent here than Hollywood.

I need to get myself a yiddish dictionary.  I don't see a thread for translating yiddish yet.  My yiddish is a bit "shvach" .

Oh, and just one more thing... HOORAY, I am a full member!  ;D

gibbor120 wrote on 19 Aug 2011 20:41:


Me too! I think we have about the same number of posts, let's have a race to Hero Member!

Monster Truck race!!!!!!! WooHoo!!!!

gibbor120 wrote on 16 Aug 2011 15:07:


I started off thinking, "I just have a little problem looking at indecent things on the internet every once in a while and, oh yeah, mast*rbating every week or so.  All I need to do is find a way to stop doing these things, because I know I'm not supposed to be doing them, and then I'll be all set."

I started getting involved in this forum (about 2 years ago).  That helped, but not enough.  I joined the 12-step phone conferences, which helped a lot more (my wife said, "when you joined the forum you started to change, but when you joined the phone calls, you REALLY started to change"!)  But still, I felt I needed more.  A couple of months ago I joined a live SA group.

I have learned, as you have begun to suspect, that this acting out is merely a symptom of a much larger, underlying issue--the restlenesness, irritability, and discontentment of life, being riddled with fear and resentment, obsessing all the time either about the past or the future, feeling totally incapable and incompetent.  All this is painful, and so we need pain-killer; we have taken our drug of choice for temporary relief.

I have found a better way.  Through the 12-steps, I am dealing directly with life.  Facing challenges, overcoming fears, casting away resentments.  I am learning to be in the present and to enjoy it.  My relationship with my wife and children has dramatically improved.  I have much more serenity and peace of mind in all matters.  I am no longer afraid of many of the things I used to be afraid of.

I don't have so much pain anymore and, to the contrary, I have much more enjoyment out of life.

And, as a side-effect, I don't need the pain-killer anymore.  I have ups and downs, slips and even falls sometimes, but overall, life is unbelievably more fulfilling and pleasurable.

--Elyah