thanks eye, i replied there to what you wrote.

Hope everyone is having an easy (meaningful fast) fast. I Was waiting for all the dust to settle because now I am so dizzy and confused from all the posts. I am sure what everyone is saying has its merits and I guess it is a life long struggle to deal with this. I still have one issue that even though I had somewhat agreed that a marriage is not a business deal etc....... I still think there are obligations to both wife and husband each one has his job to do; love, cherish, caring etc.... and if they are in it together Lehavdil to quote the goyim "for better or for worse" then each one should do what they are meant to do to its fullest, in all aspects. There will be struggles (mostly for the man i.e. his taivos etc.. and he is supposed to work on himself and if he curbs his "lusts" even of his wife then he will be far better off) , nonetheless the wife has her job to (nothing to do with business partner rather oneness) then everything can fall into place. If he shows all the emotional and all her other needs and she reciprocates his needs as one unit then things should fall into place.She davens before, she goes to the mikvah that her husband should have his eyes only on her (while we hope he will,) she must do whatever it is in her power to do  to make sure that happens. 

yes no one will deny what you wrote, but you shouldn't be busy with what she is supposed to do but rather what you have to do. If you do this and with the advise you got from very smart people here she will come around eventually.

Helpfyi - for the ############ of times, I keep saying what the facts are & what she be done in a normal giving relationship between husband and wife. I am not busy with what she should bbe doing like I mentioned before I gave up on that & decided what ever will be on her part will be (I can only control what I should be doing from my end including on working on my various problems) what she does she does. One other side point, she has no clue that I find her passive, and non chalant in the whole intimacy thing. we discussed it a few years back & we worked on some issues that made her more aware of the situation and there was some improvement, although in my opinion (not that I am busy harping on it or thinking about it all the time) there could be more involvement ,again from the standpoint of what the wife's role is in keeping the intimate relation strong. I will repeat that this is the fact not necessarily what I am "busy with" or "demanding" ................................ You guys will say that I am to busy with blaming  her and not worrying about the much bigger culprit myself                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Sorry to repeat myself but,

Yetzer, did you take a look at this:

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1593.msg111528#msg111528

--Eye.

yetzer wrote on 20 Jul 2011 04:57:

please don't get frustrated with us we are trying to help you, the reason we repeat our selves bec we are trying to get a message over to you, read harav Eye's post that he gave the link on. We all can read and understand what you wrote but we still are saying what we are saying.

Not really getting frustrated, but rather trying to explain that we are going in different directions. This i hope will be my last post re: this . I read what you wrote in the other forum. Once again there was never any lust with my wife in the bedroom. Like I posted before there have been unfortunately thoughts of other women when seeing them dressed in a certain way on the street and I hope that my wife would  dress Halachicaly mutor but  a bit dressier and there was also the hope after talking about it a few years ago with a therapist that in the bedroom she would be more active, but there has never been this idea of her pulling away because she thinks I am lusting after her and I want her to fullfill all my crazy fantasies ( because I hardly if at all ever asked her to do so, I wished she would have wanted to up the ante........) The only problem I have is that being that I have strong desires (and yes these are my problems that I have to deal with) I was hoping that she would push herself a bit to be more involved in the intimacy(she doesn't withhold sex and she isn't just a board laying there) however...........  but as you guys keep saying just work on yourself and she will......................Hopefully that is it for me on this issue for now

couldn't have said it better...

You know...

Most of the times that I reread posts to other people, I realize that I could have been talking to myself.