I just found this site and have never been excited about something like this before. I feel that with help and time I just might be able to pull this off and stop for good. My one concern is that I'm not sure if I should involve my wife. BH we have a wonderful loving relationship, and we are very open with each other. I'm just not sure how she would feel about me coming here for help. I fear she may say I'm being childish and blowing things out of proportion. For the last 4 years I haven't been able to tell her why I'm up till 2 in the morning while she sleeps. Does anyone have some sage advice to help please.

V'Yadatah Hayom Vahashevosa El Livavecha 
I know plenty! Now if only I could FEEL it

Welcome rollercoaster - come and join the joyride!

rollercoaster wrote on 24 Jun 2011 03:02:

Really?  What does that mean?



You're not sure?  Or you know but don't like it?  Or you know and are scared of it?  Or you know that you are not being honest with her?  Are you afraid of her finding out why you are coming here for help?  Are you telling yourself


So, in your openness with each other, you've forgotten to mention what you are doing online until 2am (you have major self-control if it's truly only "2 in the morning").  For four years.  Are you being open with yourself about the state of your relationship?

I believe that there is a "married" forum, and you can PM a moderator for access.  You might like to discuss things in there.




Plenty of people  ;D

Now, the stuff below is the "official welcome" - it's really good stuff

---

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

you are crazy if u envolve her!
unless u need special "moves" in bed, and your wife would not give them to you if you dont tell her "liscen i am sick so better calm me down...."

but if the mentioned above is not a problem, why to tell her? you gonna feel good when u gonna tell her, but then for the rest of your life its going to be a "stain" on you, and its a shame.

laagvokeles wrote on 24 Jun 2011 09:36:


Laag - there are some women out there who actually feel the opposite way.  RC's statement that she may say I'm being childish and blowing things out of proportion suggests that she is a lot more open-minded than you give her credit for.  His other acknowledgments suggest that she might not know the full extent of what he is doing, but...  From the single paragraph that RC shared with us, it would seem that his wife might be an exceptionally good accountability partner, even from early stages.

first of all you are right.
but with no intenttion i am just lucky and still right my self too, cause there is no toelet on telling to the wife, its like a cigar u smoke, u enjoy while u doing it and RC is gonna feel its out of his chest, but ones he did it, the stain is gonna stay, and he is gonna suffer more than enjoy it.

no matter how open minded she is, this is a kind of betrayal, so she is not gonna swolow it down as she does a candy....

יצא שכרו בהפסדו

laagvokeles wrote on 24 Jun 2011 09:57:


So why have I been completely open with my wife, down to any level of detail she wants?  Because then the marriage has nothing to fear from anything she might find out.

Worth it?  In my opinion, yes.  Was I selfish?  Yes.  I wanted security in my marriage.  And by extension hers.  I might have done it for the wrong reasons, but I believe that it was the right thing to do.

Edit: I want to make it clear that I am not advising anyone to tell anything to their wife, at least in this thread.  I was questioning the honesty of thought surrounding the issue.

i dont even know whats your problem, whith what are u a lust addict?

besides there is a straight thaught the commun sence, and commun sence says by a regular lust addict meaning porn and masturbation, not to tell her, he should get heald without envolving her.

but u jester i can see u are a exeption here on gye, maybe your wife is also...

or bether yet, u have a good way of expression and explaining, maybe u did a very very good job....
usually there are  supoused to be side effects... and big ones....

laagvokeles wrote on 24 Jun 2011 10:28:


Who says that there are not?  And no, my wife does not trust me as much as she would if she did not know.  It happens.  It might even be good for me and for us.

Welcome Roller Coaster, as you will soon see there are lots of people on this forum all of us want to be good, some are very serious about their goal, although they portray themselves as being funny.  If you stick around you will get to know everyone and you will find the tools to help you get some sleep at night and a truly happy marriage.  The main thing is to be willing to listen and learn. 
With respect to your question concerning your wife, as you can see there is no easy, one size fits all answer.  For now I would suggest that the same way you didn't consult your wife with regard to your all-night escapades, you'll should initially keep her out of your decision to get clean as well.  Once you have a nice period of sobriety under your belt  (let's start with 90 days) and you are comfortable with the tools that work to keep that sobriety, you may want to revisit the question of what if anything you tell your wife. 

Wishing you much hatzlacha. which will be easier than you think if you are open and honest and willing to listen to the advice of some of the more knowledgeable people around here.

Hi and welcome!

you got some good advice already and i don't have much to add other than to echo some of what was said.

Getting the wife involved in the early stages of your efforts to break out of the grip of this habit/addiction is probably not a good idea, although to say so with authority would require a thorough knowledge of the parties involved. Keeping her out of the picture right now is probably the safest bet. You primary effort should be towards getting into better habits and putting in safeguards, like filters and/or accountability software. Posting here on the forum and getting to know people who struggle with the same issue is also very helpful. There will be time enough in the future b'ezras Hashem to bring the wife on board if the circumstances warrant it.

Congrats on taking a step in t he right direction by addressing the issue, please keep up your effort and stay at it, you and your family are worth it!

wishing you much hatzlocha and a great shabbos
zs

rollercoaster wrote on 24 Jun 2011 03:02:


I See TheJester was a little hard on you!

I would involve her only if you can do it as a think to grow together together based on perhaps a rabbi's speech or an article you read, rather then help you with a "problem"!. I would be afraid of loosing respect from her and not trusting you... however you are the only one to judge the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship with her, no question a joint effort would sure work much better.

Did you install a filter? otherwise, in my opinion, you are not really there yet!

Good Shaboss

Welcome Rollercoaster!
I can relate to your excitement in finding this wonderful online community.  Thanks for joining us and jumping right in helping others.

The tell-my-wife issue comes up often.  Personally, when I first found this site, I didn't tell her and started was has become a 27month clean streak.  I still haven't told her, although I think now that I am sober I don't think it would affect her as it would if I were just getting started.  I agree with Jester that it is possible for a wife to be the perfect accountability partner, and telling her can bring you closer.  I'm sure if I asked mine, she'd rise to the task.

If you can do it without her, my recommendation is to get some sobriety first and then see how you feel about it.

Read the guidebooks and devise a solid game plan.  Start with a commitment to shmiras eynayim at all times.

Share your progress with us!
Alex

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I think I'm going to keep my wife out of the loop for the time being. It's really amazing how much better I feel about my journey already. Just knowing that there are people out there who wish me luck is nice.

Thanks again and have a wonderful Shabbos