Hello all,
I'm a practicing Muslim teenger who's gotten caught up in this lust addiction.  I remember that 3/4 years ago I used to be addicted as well, but when I started becoming more religious, I totally stopped.  In fact, I would not even look at unrelated women.  Then it all started changing last year.  I became more and more 'free' about women, and started reading a lot about sex related issues... until finally it led to pictures.  And then you all know the rest.

The problem is, I just don't know what to do.  My eemaan - belief - (I think Jewish people call it emonah) and piety fluctuates like a yo-yo.  One day, I commit the sin multiple times, and other times I go clean for weeks.  Whenever I think as if I've finally broken through, I do it again.  And obviously, that causes one to become pessimistic. 

The GYE website and PDFs have been VERY helpful; the terminology and concepts used by Orthodox Jews are so similar to Muslim ones that I was shocked at first.  This is something that sets GYE apart from the Christian self-help websites because I cannot relate to them.  I've been trying to read through the PDFs, but something keeps telling me not to even go near anything that is related to the Addiction - even if it helps in breaking it.  This is because it will just bring back bad memories and cause me to fall again.  Again, this has me very confused; should I read the self-help GYE PDFs or stay away?

Another problem is that my desire increases exponentially at night, when there is not much to do and I can be alone with my laptop.  Again, dunno what do do.

In any case, I hope I find a warm and accepting community here.  I know the last person Jews would be expecting is a Muslim lol, but believe me, I only want to rid myself of this addiction.  G-d help us.

If you have any questions about Arabic, Linux (or computers in general) feel free to ask/PM me.

By the way, I know a bit of Hebrew - I'm learning at ancient-hebrew.org.
And the Hebrew words I don't know, I can probably find Arabic cognates.  It's Yiddish that's a problem sometimes though, lol.

Sadeeki,

I would guess that many of the guys here have already spoken to someone about their problem at one time or another. Since most of those are orthodox Jews, they have tried to speak with a rebbi (religious teacher) or Rabbi, or at least to a trusted friend. Not that it helped much, but they gave it a shot. If they have not yet done that, I am one of the fellows who suggests that they find someone safe to talk to, in person.

Have you found someone you can talk to in person yet?

- Dov

Hi - one thing that I'd recommend is planning ahead. If you know that you get tempted at night, then make a set time when you'll close your computer for the night, no matter what. We've all been up late, bored, trying to find something to do without looking at the wrong thing, and...well, we all know what happens.

Also, try to find something to do, instead of not doing something. If you're trying to avoid something, without something else to fill the void, then it's a losing battle. If you replace the temptation with something else, then you're not fighting anymore, you're focusing on something else entirely - that's much easier, for me.

Mohammad wrote on 19 Jun 2011 03:34:


Alone with your laptop is a major problem. Have you installed K9 and given the password to someone ELSE?, in my opinion that is step #1.

As far as the handbooks are concerned, I'd say that if you feel they're helpful (and it sounds like you do), then it's worth reading them. It doesn't sound like without the reminder you're going to be free of this issue. Being free with a few reminders is better than being trapped without them, and having a week or two of vacation before falling again, and again, and again.

When I first discovered this site over 2 years ago, I read a lot.  It was almost the same feeling as when I was looking where I shouldn't.  So I think I understand how you are feeling about looking through the material here.  I agree with Silentbattle that you should read through the material anyway.  After a while of solid recovery and a change in outlook, I did take a long break from this website, and have only returned recently.

I will tell you that you need to find something else besides your computer to entertain yourself when you're bored at night.  If you allow yourself to linger on the computer, you're sunk.  If you must check your email or another website, do it quickly and get off, shut down.

Good luck,
Alex

Thanks everyone!  ;D

@Dov: Well, I've talked to a trusted friend about being an accountability partner, and I've hinted to him that I feel so weak that I might fall into pr*n, but I've never told anyone explicitly that I am an addict.  I guess it's because I don't want them to be shocked after years of considering me a good, productive young member of the community.

@silentbattle: It's funny that you mention getting a hobby.  Couple of months ago, before I became an addict, I used to work out a lot, 3 days a week, plus High Intensity Interval Training cardio.  As soon as I stopped that and started junk food, I fell.  Perhaps there's a correllation... hmm...

@jewishguy: i've had K9 for some time, and the password is with my above-mentioned friend.  I also have x3watch.
Just today I set up time limits on my K9 to prevent late-night surfing.

@silentbattle:  Tru say....  8)

@alexeliezer:  Yeah I do need to find another hobby.  Better start working out again.  Also, b/c it's summer vacation now, I can spend more time taking (hand-written - No Computer) notes on religious texts.

BTW, what's the difference between a rebbe and a rabbi?  In Arabic, Rabbi means "My Lord."

Does 'Sadeeki' mean 'my friend' in Hebrew as well?

Rabbi means "my master" or "my greater one" in Hebrew, and we typically use it when referring to people, not to G-d.

Rebbi (or more correctly Rah-bee) is really just the word we use for "teacher" (in religious subjects).

Sadik in Hebrew (tzaddik) is different, and means "righteous", but can also mean "correct". Funny, though, there are some folks who sweetly refer to their children and to others with a "tzaddik" nickname.

But the accountability partner thing is nice, but it has nothing necessarily to do with working the steps, if that is what you are interested in. I am talking about describing to other safe people what it is that you actually are driven to do. What you have done, and do, when you use this drug.

All the best!

Absolutely, when we start feeling down, bored, empty, we look for something to fill that gap. Making sure that you stay occupied is always a good idea. You can also make plans to have things to do when temptations come a'knocking. That way, instead of fighting head-on, you can say, "oh, I should go work out/read/play guitar/write poetry now."

Mohammad wrote on 19 Jun 2011 17:06:


Mohammed - please excuse me for drawing this point out simply to make a point to the world at large.

I think that there is a lot of truth and wisdom in this observation of yours, and have found a similar pattern in my own behavior.  Exercise is not in itself a remedy, but the discipline is a good barometer of holistic health, and the hobby aspect is a magnificent alternative.  The "letting yourself go" (junk food, etc.) is likewise a great indicator, and the beginning of a downward spiral.  It is one of the "danger signs" that, with practice, one can recognize and use to correct behavior early on (which I learnt in CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy).

My Rosh Yeshiva (principal of my religious seminary) was a great proponent of exercise for the bochurim (young men).

Welcome, Mohammed.  Bettawfeeq.

TheJester wrote on 20 Jun 2011 10:31:


Absolutely, I 100% agree.  Managing yourself - whether that is by dragging yourself to the gym or avoiding large KitKats when others are munching on 'em - is a principal aspect of the rehab process for me (and many other bochurim as well).  If you can say 'NO' to food, then G-d Willing you can say no to pr*n.  I remember when I stopped this addiction the first time around 3 years ago, I would regulate my eating habits very strictly, which would completely destroy my libido lol.  I guess I need to start fasting more often.

Managing your time + controlling food/exercise + internet webfilter + POSITIVE ATTITUDE = Recipe for Success, G-d Willing .  Did I miss anything?  ;D
EDIT: Of course, missed prayer, lol.

Hi Mohammad, welcome.

Instead of a difficult fast, or many of them, try this suggestion from our Sages, mentioned in Mussar (ethical) works:

In order to break the hold out Teivos (desires) have on us, whenever we eat, we could consciously avoid eating to our fullest desire. At the end of each meal, three times a day, take the last little bite(s) of the food and drink you were planning on finishing, and set them aside "l'zoreich bori" (for the sake of my Creator). Don't set this aside at the beginning of the meal, rather let it be the last pieces on your plate or in your cup, and then refrain from eating and drinking them. And say "I am doing this out of respect to my Creator, in order to not fullfill all my desires." This is greater than difficult and draining all-day fasts, for it is every day, 3 times per day, and trains us into the attitude that "we are no longer forced to obey our urges and desires." As one of our Holy Warriors on the 12 Step Conference put it, "We are NOT our Inclinations. They do not define us."

This conditioning will have an effect on our ability to withhold from temptations in many areas.

Thank you for joining us here, and it is my blessing that you find comfort and friendship with all of us.

Steve

Nice to see a different face on these boards!  Who knows Mohammad, maybe you will be the man to bridge the unfair divide between Muslims and Jews and initiate a new movement of world peace - all because your addiction brought you here!

Very wise of you to connect food with lust - I remember one story of a father who strongly rebuked his son for eating something he was told not to.  The father said, if you can't control yourself over that food, how do you expect to control yourself over sexual lust?  The son broke down and cried for a while, and realized the important message his father was sending.

If you meditate and focus, and realize that the first bite into that kit kat, or the first bit into that unhealthy desert, is really a bite into morally specious behavior, perhaps that would go a long way for you to overcome your 'cravings'.

I've also heard that running to do a good deed is very helpful to prevent further acting out.  In other words, if you have an urge to 'act out', go quickly to help someone in your community, your sibling, your mom,  your father.  I think in Islam there is great important in charity (including helping others), so maybe you should find more ways to connect to that good deed - when was the last time you called a distant relative who would be sooo happy to hear from you?  Someone who feels as isolated (or more) than you do!!

@steve: Thanks, I'm starting that habit from today, G-d willing.
ontheedgeman wrote on 21 Jun 2011 13:23:


Thanks man.  You know, historically Muslims and Jews have been much closer with each other than with Christians.  Just ask anyone from the Sephardim.  Even Maimonides lived with us. 


As I mentioned,  I was shocked when I found GYE and read about Jewish practices - I mean, you guys also aren't allowed to be secluded with unrelated women. 


Yes, "the worst vessel that the son of Adam fills is his stomach." I guess we need to be all-round frugal in our daily habits, especially food.  This entire convo hits the point home that excessive food will fuel your lust.




Great idea - doing the exact antithesis to what your desires invite you to.  It's better than just stopping yourself from falling, b/c now you're going 180 degrees.  I'll try this idea, G-d willing.

BTW, I've signed up to the Chizuk email, but I don't even know what Chizuk means lol.  I thought that there is no 'ch' sound in Hebrew and other semitic languages... Clarifications, pl0x?  ;D

Chizuk means something like "giving strength."

In this case, "ch" gives a more gutteral sound, I guess - not like in "chopsticks," rather, like in...well, I can't really think of an english word with that sound!