Hi JewishGuy -

I have been on this site about 2 years ago and this is the first day I am here in well over a year. The site has helped me in the past and I want to come back and discuss where I am and what is going on.
If I may I want to break up my story into 2 parts. The first is what I am going through that I feel are relevant to others and will not be new to many of you. The second I feel is my private struggle and I think I suffer from something although I don’t know what it is.

Part 1

It all started for me in 5th grade. I had a crush on a distant relative. Although I only saw her a few times a year it got me into the Parsha. This fantasy to be with her haunts me till today.
In 8th grade problems with the internet began. It was still dialup those days so it was not nearly as bad as it would be today. But I still absorbed a tremendous amount of nudity and other terrible stuff.
High school was not terrible for me as I was out of town. Although I did watch from time to time it was sporadic and quick glimpses. I went pretty far with a male classmate of my mine but that was due more to the fact that I had no access to girls than to homosexual tendencies.

In Israel I would often rent a hotel room for the night and just watch movies until 3am. I tried to get my hands on porn and got some but for the most part was unsuccessful.  However, Israel is when the movies started. I started going to the theater 3-4 times a week. I would go to Malcha, Maalet Adumim etc etc. I had never gone to the theater before.

When I came back to America I had 2 years of decent learning before I started chatting with girls online. I started a relationship with a girl that I would never marry and the relationship turned sexual the first time I met her. While I never went to home plate I fell dozens of times with her. She went to Israel the next year and through tremendous Siyaata Dishmaya got stuck there due to a medical condition until I was safely engaged. Had she come back when she was planning on I would still be having this fling with her today.

After I got married we had a little contact over the phone and on email but the meetings stopped and within 6 months our relationship was completely terminated.

Now I am married for 4 years with two kids. I have strong filters on at home but I still fall when I get the chance. Since the filters are so strong my wife takes it off for 15-30 minutes at a time to do what she needs to do. When she turns the computer off it saves the remainder of the time and I have a few minutes to act out.

I feel like I have felt many times before that I am at a crossroads. I need to change and change fast!! I cannot live like this. Printing porn from college computers to act out in the bathroom. Acting out in the basement when my wife and kids on in the next room!!

I feel that I did not get caught yet because G-d knows I will suffer terribly from the embarrassment. I guess that means I did not hit rock bottom yet!! But I need to stop and stop now!! Rock bottom is not that far away and I feel I am approaching it at a rapid rate!!

And lastly even though this is not in order I feel for the sake of giving a holistic picture I should say.
I still go to movies 1-2 times a week. I fall on average 1-2 times a week. I put on tefillin (this changes over time) 3 times a week. I daven 1 maybe 2 times a day. I do not bench after I eat when I am not in a societal setting. Am I religious? I guess the only thing I really have is that I have never cheated on my wife and I wear white shirts (that was a joke)!!! I am 26 and am not in great financial shape..

Part 2

I am an intensely private person. Aside from the fact that no one is allowed in my life I do not even open up to anything but my mind and an anonymous forum about what is going on inside of me. I have never written a paper diary for fear of someone reading it (for a few months I kept one on Microsoft Word password protected but have since deleted it). I have never gone to anyone for help for fear of shame and embarrassment. I don’t fully trust anyone. Even my wife I fear to tell her anything because I am scared she will reject me. Although I have called into the conference calls for the SA meetings I was never able to bring myself to speak for fear someone would recognize my voice.

I hear you...

ninetydays wrote on 17 Jun 2011 15:06:


At least we have something in common, the White Shirt  ;D, You can't deny it you are a Yiras Shumaim for seeking help and knowing your short comings, I suggest that on the occasions you do daven, do it Short but talk to hashem as if he is standing next to you! tell him your fears, tell him your struggles, in your mother tongue!

My davening sucks terribly lately, and I need to improve a great deal!

Keep it up be strong, for you, your wife and the kids!

Love

Jewish Guy   

I too am a very private person, and B"H managed to do this with just Hashem as my partner.  But at the outset I committed to overcoming this addiction no matter what it took.  Even if it meant attending face to face meetings, the thought of which was quite unpleasant.  I was therefore doubly motivated to succeed on "my own" (and so far have strung together over 2 years).

So what's the plan?