Since this is the "introduce yourself" part of the forum, I thought it worthwhile to actually do that. I can only guess who will read this or whether anyone would care to read this, but i can hope this will be somewhat cathartic and IYH some kind soul will listen and care to respond.
I think that my name is unimportant, but my story is very important to understand who i am.....
I am a baal teshuvah, who came to yahadut at 14 (thereabouts). I slowly but surely grew in my mitzva observance and soon was indistinguishable from the rest of the chevra. I made sure to go to a frum nice high school with most a good chevra, always be the top of my shiur, and continue to learn torah whenever i can. I am now leaving yeshiva in Israel and returning to america to attend YU. I have lots of hasmada (or at least try to) and ahavat torah. Just to show my attachment, though i dont need to prove anything: i frequently try to mekarev ppl and very often i am the shoel umeshiv for many emuna and general tenets questions.
now putting all this aside, b4 coming to yahadut i started my addiction in the filth the postmodern world deems reasonable to allow. this addiction grew and grew, since well i denied it, i thought i could just stop one day. till i came to israel and really tried to erase it fully from my personality and history, but that didnt work. sheer commitment and mental cleansing didnt work. this was when i felt down to the extent i felt all the torah in the world wouldnt change myself from the perv i was. of course like any reasonable person i couldnt honestly believe that, so i search far and wide for an answer and found feedtherightwolf.org. it was extremely helpful, gave many good tips, and convinced me to put a filter on my computer. now through the months that ensued i fought my YH hard, slipped by using someone else's during ben hazmanim, but nonetheless the filter kept me going. there is one caveat of stupidity on my part: I had the filter under my email (tho i deleted the password thinking it wouldnt allow me to get a new password). well now that i knew differently, of course i slipped. but i got myself up, and this forum is now quickly making me feel better about myself.

i guess really the whole point of me writing this, besides to let everything out finally, is to ask the black abyss of the internet: am i still a respectable yeshiva bachur even tho im fighting this vice? (even if the answer seems obvious, the answer doesnt get accepted emotionally).

Welcome danagar!! I actually wrote up a response to you on the FALL thread here - http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=763.msg108714#msg108714 but to address your question
You're even more respectable and sweet than you ever imagined!

Did you know that temptations are H's way of reminding you that He wants you to connect with Him and deepen your relationship with Him? It's a secret your Y"H doesn't want you to know, but I'm spilling the beans. Y"H HaTzaddik, and he really is a Tzadik once you get to know him, wants you to think that temptation means you're a pervert and a bum. Why else would you be drawn to filth like some hobo?? Well - that's a smokescreen and the truth is that the temptations are warning lights on your dashboard sent from the internal computer plugged into the Higher Power saying that you need a Ruchniyus check, Hashem is calling you in for service. This may sound a bit over the top, but it's the absolute experience of thousands, maybe millions?, of addicts around the world through the last century. I've heard this from Rabbonim too - and heard the Gr"a quoted as the source. I hope to find that mekor soon.. ... But that's the skinny.

Tov veyoshor Hashem al kein yoreh chata'im baderech! Who is Hashem busy, as it were, guiding along the way? Chata'im. A "chet" literally defined is a "lack" - where there's a void Hashem is opening up a place for you to welcome Him in. We may choose to patch up that hole with all sorts of artificial snake oils like looking at pretty pictures and indulging in you know what, but the real remedy is Him (that's what Torah Tavlin means, but that's another Shmuz...).

thanks you for that. i do like ur answer of the wake up call. ruchniyus, tho im not sure of. If you ask me (now that u sparked the thought), I think it is a call for more purity in a world of filth, or to put it differently: it is a call for higher kedusha in a world where it is the hardest it has been to be kadosh. The Rav zt"l said that a person is kadosh when he is careful with arayot and ma'achalot asurot since the rambam puts those two in the sefer kedusha of his mishneh torah.
I must thank you for this insight and sparking my thought. especially, i would like to thank you for helping me get my self esteem back.

btw about your post in FALL, I was wondering if i really count as an addict, since i find many ppl here seem to be worse off than me. I do have macheshavot creep up on me like any normal young adult, i have issues (as i said) with watching porn, which i cant get a full year clean of (tho BH i got months of sobriety in), but i dont search up and down the street for my fix or look desperately for it. if it is out of sight (and i make sure it is with the help of a filter) it is out of sight.
just as a pat on the back, i do make sure to keep my eyes clean on the street--that i have been successful with for about a year.

I hope none of this is any bit problematic, whether offensive, gayvadik, or just straight out makes me look wrong.

danagar wrote on 15 Jun 2011 14:28:
You're welcome - it's encouraging to me too that I've been helpful



I don't know if you're an addict or not. I'm just saying that viscious cycle is a warning sign of such. I didn't think I was an addict either, and I still don't think I'm a severe addict - perhaps a mild one. I'm certainly not as bad off as others on this forum, but I also don't want to become like that before waking up. "Hit bottom while on top" is the motto that GYE has coined (and they really should patent it ). Why don't you join the phone conferences for a week or so? Give Duvid Chaim a call and talk things over with him. He might assume you're an addict just because you called, but don't let that get to you. He's spoken to more people going through this struggle than just about anyone on this planet, so you can bet that he has much wisdom to share. Here's his contact info for you to get his number and here's the info about the conferences - www.guardyoureyes.org/?page_id=678

Danagar,
Whether you're an addict or not, you have engaged in addictive behavior.  You have tried to stop, set up your own blocks, and got around them.  This disease is insidious.  My own addiction continued to grow very slowly for 30 years before I realized something was wrong.  (I knew I was doing aveiros and had the mind of a pervert, but chalked it up to a very strong Y"H, a super healthy libido).  You are fortunate to recognize the danger earlier in life.  Toying with lust is a dangerous game.  And for us, it's assur.  So you're in the right place.  Take down the enemy before his troops are all over your land.
Hatzlacha
Alex