dov
honestly, i have problem understanding your posts, i feel really dumb.

can i ask you some questions just to see if i got it right.

the first step is not just avoiding lust, but avoiding it because you know you cant fight it or deal with it or win it?

i really do know that, i even spend a lot of time on forums reading and posting. I know i cannot change myself.

the second step is eventually coming out and talking with somebody in person, but starting with writing because thats where ill be able to come out easier?

i have my own thread where i talk about myself and tell the virtual world about my dark secrets. what is the difference between posting and "simply posting".

No need for me to agree or disagree with you. Is what you are doing working for you, or not? If it is, then why should I get into a philosophical discussion - why bother?

If its working for you, that's good enough, no?

wannabehappy wrote on 30 May 2011 20:01:


It took me months to undestand what Dov was talking about. In fact we used to call it "Dovish" like it was a whole other language and Guard used to post translations.  Dov has gotten a whole lot better, but I certainly wouldn't feel dumb if I didn't understand him.  I will say that it's usually worth the effort trying to figure out his meaning.

Laagish.

Laagish!!

I love it!!

Reb Dov

im sorry if i came across as if i was disagreeing.

i do believe that you have the experience and knoledge to be able to help me more than i do myself.

i was repeating over what i understood you were saying to me and responding so that i could show you the way i understood you.

bmchilat kvodcha

wannabehappy

WB
You're working 90 hours a week?  Do you have any regularly scheduled pleasurable activities in your life?  Are you growing in any areas of your life?

There are many reasons a person works this much, but it's worth stepping back and taking a look....

Tryna help
Alex

Well I work from 630 till 7pm and then Fridays and shabbos im nonstop till motsei, Sunday i work only  3 or 4 hours.

I don't qualify for any state aid. I don't have any high paying jobs. I had debt still paying off.

Sex is not regularly scheduled but still more frequent and better from what it seems on this forum.
m is much easier faster and fixes me in 5 min. You're right it sometimes is a problem.
most of my gye time is bathroom time

I was referring to other pleasurable activities. Time for yourself.  Learning.  A hobby.

No,no and um no.

Dear happy-person wannabe,

Don't feel bad, I do not really understand some of your posts either! And please don't waste any time apologizing to me, for I am a shmendrick with too high an opinion of myself already. I do not need people apologizing for thinking differently than I do.

What I meant in the previous post about not wanting to argue with you is that I see the steps as very different than you were describing them, but felt silly getting into a discussion about it with you because who am I to doubt that what you are already doing right now is really working? I should assume that you are still masturbating regularly? No way. Except in individual cases, I assume that whatever people are doing here is working for them, until they start whining. Then I am there to either hug them or slap them. Usually I do the slapping   - until they really crack under the weight of their own acting out and then I try to be there to hug and hold their hands. Nu. There are better people here for the huggung part, probably (Reb bard was my main hugger guy, but einenu!).

Take it easy, cheezy weezy.

Take a breath. Try going for ten minute walks with the wife twice a week, if she wants to. It doesn't sound like much, but for us it started becoming a lifesaver after we did it for about five or six weeks. We love it, and do not have the time for regular dates yet.

Consider coming to one davening that you can do in shul 5 minutes before. And just sit there and talk to yourself, to G-d, or write to yourself. Or maybe just take a breath and breath quietly for five minutes. It will change a lot and help you get settled. And calm is infectious.

Everyone needs some tough love sometimes, and Dov is a competent practitioner of the art. His slaps are slaps of softest velvet.

wannabehappy wrote on 02 Jun 2011 19:28:


You're clearly very busy providing for your family.  But your lack of participation in life's pleasures and opportunities for growth in ruchnius concerns me.  This might be a conversation worth having with your wife.

Good Shabbos!
Alex

Trust me alexeliezer, Mr wannabe is just giving you half of the story - his half. And that's not even half of reality, cuz he is still goofy in the head like all of us and still acting out and still kookoo. We all know what that's like.

When the dust clears, maybe he'll see the rest of the story. The real limitations he has, and what limitations and barriers are actually created and fed by his own behavior and choices. If he hates me for saying this, sorry. I don't mind.

I have never ever met a guy who tells anything near the whole story - especially a guy who sincerely feels sorry for himself. A mach'lah that I cannot afford any more.

Hatzlocha rabbah a nd a gut chodesh!!

Ok I don't quite understand what you want from me.

I really believe I have a good relationship at home.

Working hard gives me less time on my hands which I thought was good.

Dov- I resent the fact that you think I am telling half the story even if I don't really don't know what that means.

In our above posts your suggestions at least the way I understood them were being met. I posted the way I understood your suggestions and how I thought I met them.

I came here wanting to get insight, advice and direction. Im ready to do whatever it takes. If you told me I needed 12 steps I would do that. If you told me I needed some sort of nedarim thing id do that. If you told me I needed live sponsor id probably do that to. All these things are relatively painful for me and I don't know yet what is necessary.

Id appreciate you not taking a sensitive soul and derisively making fun of my username. Id also appreciate you not derisively trying to goad me on by talking in third person to another username.
If you can't afford my machla then please either kick me off the site or don't moderate my thread.
I don't hate you im just frustrated and I hate myself sometimes and im sensitive to having my time wasted with mind games and insults instead of focus on the issues,my issues.

Sorry I don't take your style mussar the right way,never did. I hope im not a lost case because of it.

Please don't get me wrong. Im ready to answer to myself and others all of my issues just please in a respectful and cordial manner.

Dov has told me not to proffer any advice, since I am still a newbie and my aveiras seem to be worse than most people on this sight... I don't look at p*, have no interest in that waste of time garbage, haven't looked at it for 6 months.  I feel healed... and yet, I go for massages that are not quite appropriate.  Okay denial.  They are worse than issur.  Anyhow, point is, what is point in coming to this site and then telling the moderator how to dispense of his advice?  If you aren't in the frame of mind to be open like the deserts of Sinai to receive mussar, or only on the terms that you want, why bother?  I don't have any answers, I'm just asking.  I didn't come here to tell Dov how he should fix me.  If I knew how he should fix me, I could have just fixed myself! 

I can't believe Dov thinks I am SA material.  Those groups are for sickos!!  and yet, I smashed the flame of arrogant anger and said to myself, maybe someone out there, based on my conduct, has a good intuition about how to nip this.

Anyhow I had a good shabbat and prayed hard, and tried to absorb some Torah to fix myself.  I used one of the techniques I read here - blowing up certain fantasies in my head.  It actually worked!  then when it came back in another form, I blew that idea up as well!!  great technique.  I forget who recommended that.  but it kinda helped.