Been lurking for a while on this site- I'm gonna come out of the dark now.
For the past nine years, I've struggled (exaggeration- I've sometimes tried a little and spent a lot of time whining to Hashem) with my monster- acting out consistently on an almost daily basis. I though I was no different than any other single guy. A year ago, I got married, and I've improved maybe 95%- acting out maybe eight or nine times total. To me, this just confirmed my suspicion that all I needed was marriage. I chalked up those falls to just being human, actively forgetting the total helplessness I felt when faced with those lusts.
Now, for a whatever reason, my wife will be physically unavailable to me for the next few months. I was shocked at the fury with which I met this news, and realized that I was actually terrified- I've never gone that long since I first fell, and have no clue how I'm gonna pull it off.
I spoke to my Rav, and he explained that I am not regular, that I have an addiction, and encouraged me to get in touch with SA, and I'm working on getting ahold of a sponsor and joining in on one of the phone groups.
That's me- trying to stop it all from crashing down.
I feel like I'm starting to slide down a sheer ice cliff, with only my fingernails to hang on.
Thanks for listening, and your chizzuk.

hi and welcome,
it's great that you are proactive in addressing the issue and taking steps to help yourself. that's a lot better than waiting for things to be messed up and then trying to straighten it out.
many people here on GYE have a similar situation to what you describe and having people to identify and share with helps tremendously.
wishing you hatzlocha in finding the right medium and tools for your success.
zs

Strvr- welcome!

I give you tons of credit that you approached your rav for advice. I can only second your rov's advice from my own experience. By myself i lasted longer then 1 yr before it all came crashing down. This monster knows how to hide away for a cloudy day and then he attacks.

Please take your rov's advice very seriously (as u seem your doing) and don't let this Yetzer harah fool you that you dont need too. (sooner or later he will try).

It's not easy when we are faced with news like "my wife will be physically unavailable to me for the next few months" i have had news like that as well and feel for you. to make it a bit easier If you can handle it as just  one day at a time and not like "next few months" then all you need to do is get through the day and tomorrow you will deal with tomorrow.

Please keep on posting... let us know how its going.

Looking forward to your updates.

--hm

I was sober for many years and still finally had to show up in person at SA meetings before I started feeling better. Confessing it to someone else in person really makes a difference for me.

Yesterday was 64. Today is 1. I am baffled at how cunning he is. I intentionally acted out- that is, I saw him coming, -even mentioned to my wife that I'm feeling kind of "shaky"- and did nothing to avoid it- even jumped forward.
And you know whats funny? He's not even so bright. He could tell me up is down and I'd believe him. What happened this time was I finally got a sponsor who I felt "had what I was looking for" 8 years sobriety in SA, happy joyous and free, the works. Over the weekend one of the things we discussed was "hitting rock bottom", and he said tat mostly, the people who have success in the program are those who do it as if their lives depend on it. Those only bruised, like myself, usually don't give it all they got.
And so I plant the seed in my head "I have 2 months of sobriety, it wasn't terribly difficult, I need to be more desperate if I want this program to work". A wise man would have recognized that thought as desperation and been satisfied. Fool that I am, I manufactured desperation. And so I return to Day 1.
I hope to post more frequently here now.

Strvr, I sent you a PM.

stvr -

Its true that the way you describe it now it sounds like a pretty pathetic excuse to fall. But the YH has the power to bring us under his wing with the most foolish of proposals.

I often think of the married women who slept with the guest because he told her Mashiach was to come from this Union. The question is should she be help liable as if she did it with the full intention of sinning. Looking at the question from a sober perspective it sounds crazy. Of course not. Who falls for that line.. That Mashiach is going to come out of me?

But when couple with the intoxication of desire all she needed was tiny push to permit the act in her mind. Ultimately she fell.

We all fall because of stupid reasons. The next step of the YH is to tell you "You fell for that? You loser! You idiot! Come on fall again!!!!

Does that line of reasoning of the YH make any more sense?

Keep stong.

Continue to post!

You are amazing!

ninety

i hope your rabbi knows what he is talking about, and you really are a addict...
cause acting out every day is not enough to show your a addict.
you can ask him מהיכן דנתני

if he knows about addiction. he knows more then many others in this field. So, i would trust him.

I've also tried to convince myself that I'm not an addict. Today's spectacular flame out (which would remove all doubts!) aside, I think that it doesn't really make a difference.
I have a problem. I very much- maybe not desperately, maybe not desperately enough- want to stop doing what I am doing. Its sad and pathetic and a terribly betrayal of my wife, not to mention a "relationship-wrecker" between me and my Creator.
Am I an addict? Who cares. I'll go to meetings, I'll do my best to work the steps. If I'm an addict, that will work. And if I find that I'm not an addict, that on the inside I really am fine but am just "lusty" or "weak" or something, what will I have lost? I will at least have tried yet another method of fighting this battle that didn't work (instead of just resigning myself to a life locked in a death spiral), and meanwhile have earned something important about myself.
"And besides, we are sure our way of living has its advantages for all."

Hello Strvng,

It sounds like you've got the right ingredients for recovery--honesty, and good support.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

strvng wrote on 28 Jun 2011 01:07:


I love you already, and await more of your wisdom.

if you are not a addict just a baal aveira, than brake your taavot.

if you are not addict just a baal aveira, do u think that the YH will let you slip through his hands cause you made 12 steps?  unless 12 steps is brakig taavot and doing teshuvah, you will not be free.

if you are sick take the medicine, but if you just a baal aveira brake your midot.

(could be 12 steps is also teshuva, so then u are right)