Hi there, HM - Just read through your thread from the beginning, and wanted to share a few points.

Honesty is definitely a huge part of this issue, although I'm not sure that we can work on it directly. You mentioned that dishonesty isn't really a big problem in your life. Really? You mean you don't consider it dishonest when you go into these chat rooms, do whatever you do, and then go and say hello to your wife? When we live lives of addiction, our entire lives become wrapped around our lives. It warps everything about us.

As far as being powerless, it's not all or nothing. There may be times, many times, that you resist the urge. But clearly, you ARE powerless to stop this issue from entering your life, making you act in ways that you don't want, and interfering with who you are as a person. You are not able to control it, you are not the stronger one - the addiction is.

HM,  I know what it is to be tired, old and worn out.  I'm not sure you're really worn out yet, B"H, but I'll take your word for it. 

I'm 65, pretty close to a year clean.  Please go read the first few posts on my thread. I did get caught.  And I got worn out.  Bottomed out.

A sponsor once told me that the most important word in recovery is "remember".  When we "go for it", everything we know is out the window.  Afterwards, isn't it amazing, we remember everything and it ain't pretty.  So I have to remember to call someone, call the Rav,  anyone.  If it's late, go to GYE.  I have to remember that when I'm leyning the whole world goes away, and that wonderful "lostness", the bitul, is what I really really want.  Unhappily for me, the only thing I want more than "H is the orgasm.  That's just an ugly fact I have to live with.  I have to remember.  And it's a fact I'm powerless over.  And each day I have to ask for help.  I have to remember to ask.

I've asked and begged "H to take this character defect from me.  I ask and ask, not just in rephua shlemah.  And in His wisdom, I'm still an addict who would rather have what I want, then do what He wants.  I say "Y'hee Ratzon..." over and over.  I try to live with what I heard the Kotzker Rebbe once said, "'No' is also an answer".

So I live with what He's given me to live with as best I can.  Every day I ask.  Sometimes I beg and cry.  Tse gournisht helfin.  I do my little work--shmiras eynayim, and all the other things we do and don't do to fulfill His ratzon.  And day by day I still ask.

And while I've been doing all this asking and begging to be free of this selfishness, these fears, these bitter resentments that I thought I let go of years and years ago during my therapy days, as I'm doing all this very serious suffering, I look back, and I notice what He's done to my life over this year since I've been participating at GYE.

After years of being alienated from each other, the other day my daughter told me she was bragging to friends of hers about how far I've come (and she only knows that I'm a sex addict, but not the particulars), and about how far WE'VE come.  I haven't seen her in many years.  And over this last year, B"H, we now talk regularly, and she invited me up to visit her in July.

My son puts his arm around me and tells me he loves me.  This a son who was so scared of me he couldn't be alone with me.

My younger son and I have long talks.  This a young man who answered questions with grunts or an occasional syllable. 

There are still so many stressors left from my arrest and conviction, IRS problems, parnassah, health.  But I can daven now and just talk with Him here and there.  Sometimes I just realize what a miracle He's worked that I can talk to people, just regular folks, the grocery store clerks, the bank tellers, and actually FEEL something warm and gentle and available with another human being. 

It can happen.  Even to us tired old and worn out men.

Put the plug in the jug.  Filter up.  For G-d's sake don't hit bottom.  Please.

Dear 1daat,

You are a very lucky man. Ashrecha. You are an inspiration to all of us, but you G-d is even more of an inspiration. Amazing.

Continued Hatzlocha,

Dov

Silent B, Thank you for your reply. You may have misunderstood me, I meant I feel that this is the only place that i feel so dishonest and its not a issue in other areas of life other then this addiction. Thats why i concluded that just learning honesty is not the answer.  And yes- Powerlessness is so key. I am working on seeing that and using that in all aspects of life. Powerless I am.

1-daat- Thanks for your post. To me this is amazing to see what a program can do, and a great chizuk you are. As for the age, i am not that old. I was referring to - i have been here before and recovery has become old and worn out, so i am back to renew, refresh and to learn from all the amazing people like you on this site. Thank you.

Anyway-  B"H for today and for the past 8 days that Hashem gave me the strength to overcome my personal drug of choice. I am not looking back only forward and onward. May Hashem help me and lead me and guide me together with the rest of my powerless friends to guard our eyes and thoughts - Today! 

keep on trucking.

Be sure to give your wife emotional support and all the empathy/shared feelings of worry that are necessary.  Of course, bitachon is an ideal, but you need to be there for eachother.  You need to let her cry, and cry with her.  Don't go without showing emotion.

Thank the creator of this world. pun intended.

Yes you are very right. We cannot work on yourself and expect our spouses to be feeling the same. True be told- we cannot forget about our own emotions either, even while we are working on Emuna. As we all know being in touch with our real emotions is half the cure.

May we all have a peaceful and uplifting Shabbos.

Good Shabbos.

A beautiful pshat from R' Z. Walerstien on the Mishna Histakal bishlosha d'vorim

Ma'ain ba'asa - mittipa s'rucha

Sounds depressing, no? you come from junk...

He answered- we all know, out of the mans tippa there are millions of sperms racing to the egg to fertilize it. Only one in a million will actually win. If you think about it - every person in this world is the ONE that fought and beat the odds and won. Now thats a winner!

So now when you realize the fight that you fought and beat all odds to come to this world - you can do it again, you have it in you!

that's beautiful!