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TOPIC: A new start for an old freind 7658 Views

Re: A new start for an old freind 29 Jul 2011 14:41 #112718

ZemirosShabbos OFFLINE Platinum Boarder pass the compote Posts: 6153 Karma: 72	good for you for taking steps to help yourself wishing you much hatzlocha
	Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise ~Inna beshem ZS Give, Forgive ~Cordnoy The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting. ~TZ Last Edit: by .

Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 11:40 #125624

shemirateinayim

So far no good. This is the first time I am touching the computer since you guys last heard from me. Why, because I get an addictive thrill from simply pecking away at the keys! So I decided that sobriety meant surrendering the computer entirely, even without internet, and searching for offline cures. Well, SA in this town is שווח, and all the other meaning would require me to leave my kollel, and lose my חברותא, and for the life of me i can't learn without one.

But that's not why i broke my sobriety to use the internet today....no no, i'm back here because i can't abstain for more than a few hours!! I can even masturbate within a few minutes, if the opportunity presents itself. I am hopelesly lost in nmy own little world of lust. I lust after the girls on the street, and I keep sneaking peeks at my wife nursing, showering, changing (she just has a baby, so all this is off limits for a long while). -AND i DO THIS KNOWING i DON'T EVEN ENJOY IT AT ALL!!!!

I need to get my head back on strait, back into the GYE mindset. Please HELP ME!!!!

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Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 15:56 #125639

ur-a-jew
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This doesn't work for everyone, but I thought I would share it with you

ShemiratEinayim an Old friend wrote on 15 Aug 2008 02:09:

What got me throught the last 2 weeks is a perek from the sefer smirat halashon. The chofetz Chaim tells us that after 120 they weill give us a sefer torah and say "READ" and when we get to all the placed in the torah where we transgressed, we won't be able to read it. How can a theif possibly read 'thopught shall not steel..' he'll be overcome wit such a pachad and aima...he'll be sentencing himself to gehanom by reading it...because He didn't fu;lfill mit. One can transplant this to any mitzva. I talked to myself (car-rides are geat for that) and varbaly played out the entire scenario....'and theyu;re going to give you a sefer torah and make you read "Velo Sasuru....avcharei lavvavachem...veacharei eineitchemmm....asher atem ZONIM achareihem!!!" .
Eventualy this became my rally call whenever I needed it. I would just scream it once (in the car again) and all thoughts of looking twice would vanighs (sometimes I need to repeat it a second time).
The sefer cheshbon Hanefesh actualy advises (as part of it's amazing system) that one write an esay on the middah they want to work on, then summerise that into one pasuk/sentence, then summerise that one powerfull sentence into a made-up giberish word andwhenever that person need to conquer that midah he should say his jibberish codewqord (no-one wil know what he's doing, and verbaly stating one's goals help on both a ruchnius and lehavbdil a phcycological level*)

Hatzlacha and hang in there.

Help free Sholom Rubashkin by giving him the zechus of Shemiras Eiynayim. www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2809.0

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Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 16:02 #125642

shemirateinayim	Honestly, this deep in, I don't care anymore :'( If I wasn't venting mtyself "manualy" I would have been חייב כרת by now. And I might even have gotten arrested for doing so too.
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Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 16:03 #125643

kedusha Current streak: 717 days OFFLINE Administrator Posts: 3167 Karma: 46	Mazal Tov on the baby! Why wasn't I told about the Bris? > Unless it's a girl, you're in big trouble! > > > I see good things for you on the horizon, Shemiras. Just hang in there! Hatzlacha!
	Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'! Last Edit: 16 Nov 2011 16:05 by .

Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 16:23 #125646

ur-a-jew
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ShemiratEinayim an Old friend wrote on 16 Nov 2011 16:02:

Honestly, this deep in, I don't care anymore :'(

If I wasn't venting mtyself "manualy" I would have been חייב כרת by now. And I might even have gotten arrested for doing so too.

Oh well, I thought I would try. But let's take a step back and look at what you are saying. What it seems to me is that this problem is one that get progessively worse. Earlier on, this may have and apparently did work, but now you are deeper in the hole, so all that seemingly works now is marturbating. And tomorrow, what will work? Actually getting arrested? it seems maybe yes or maybe not.
What it all suggests to me (no big chiddush I think) is that you may be powerless to lust, that is once you start it is rather difficult to stop (you're in good company). Masturbating may look like a solution but appears to be part of the problem. Of course, there is always God to turn to. Isn't He at least partially responsible for getting you into this mess, after all He did give you life this morning. You may want to consider a heart to heart talk with Him, maybe He can even lend a hand to pull you out of this mess. I'm sure you'll know what to say. You should certainly try for today (or this morning). Hatzlacha

Help free Sholom Rubashkin by giving him the zechus of Shemiras Eiynayim. www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2809.0

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Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 16:26 #125649

Yosef Hatzadik
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ShemiratEinayim an Old friend wrote on 16 Nov 2011 11:40:

Well, SA in this town is שווח, and all the other meaning would require me to leave my kollel, and lose my חברותא, and for the life of me i can't learn without one

An inadequate substitute can be SA phone meetings. They have them around the clock. (Including men only meetings)

And also:

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 06 Jan 2011 20:18:

MAZEL TOV!!!!

{I don't know if it is a boy or a girl...}

P.S. Do you recognize the date of the Mazel Tov quote?

Yosef Hatzadik's Ha'oros
Tov veyoshor Hashem al kein yoreh chata'im baderech!

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Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 16:36 #125650

Yosef Hatzadik
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ShemiratEinayim an Old friend wrote on 16 Nov 2011 11:40:

all the other meetings would require me to leave my kollel, and lose my חברותא, and for the life of me i can't learn without one.

Many Addicts came to recognize that "for the life of me I can't live without one" - without a meeting that is!!!

Someone who "tried harder" for 20 years to stop, didn't get sober until he started attending daily meetings. It messed up his schedule. He didn't daven shacharis with a minyan for two years! ..... but he is sober today. (& for about the last 18 years!!!!)

Yosef Hatzadik's Ha'oros
Tov veyoshor Hashem al kein yoreh chata'im baderech!

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Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 18:07 #125677

shemirateinayim

It's a girl....sorry Yoseleh, but as per our prior arrangement of sandikaus, it may have to wait for another 3 kids at least!

I'm working on my "landmark" inspiration to start sobriety. I got a million reasons, but I just need to concretize the ones that will be good enough to 'forfeit' my next 'fix'. How about this...

As mentioned in the GYE literature, יסוד is the "yesod" of our whole binyan ha'adam. As for myslef, my big "turn around" in beis medrash came when I started to be shomer einayim. That made a מהפחה in my whole life, from middos, to self disciplibne, to kedusha, totefilah, to limud hatorah, to hasmadah, to dveikus, to ameilus batorah, to he'eder sheinah.
And ever since my SA relapsed, I have lost all the above. bechasdei hashem I haven't "yet" been thrown out of my kollel, haven't "yet" been thrown out of the house, and haven't "yet" crossed and red lines.
However if I ever want to be the person I once was, only one year ago...
If I ever want to attain the דרגות I once had שעיפות for....
If I ever want to break free and live again...
I have to attain sobriety.

I am ready to go through גהנום right now, and suffer the withdrawal syndroms that will come, just be become a person again, but not merely a person, an אדם השלם.

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Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 22:47 #125768

the.guard Current streak: 805 days OFFLINE Moderator Posts: 6438 Karma: 138	www.glatube.com/Watch.aspx?vid=3079
	Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest. Last Edit: by .

Re: A new start for an old freind 16 Nov 2011 22:55 #125771

kedusha Current streak: 717 days OFFLINE Administrator Posts: 3167 Karma: 46	guardureyes wrote on 16 Nov 2011 22:47: www.glatube.com/Watch.aspx?vid=3079 That's really nice. Thank you, Guard.
	Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'! Last Edit: by .

Re: A new start for an old freind 17 Nov 2011 13:01 #125818

shemirateinayim	guardureyes wrote on 16 Nov 2011 22:47: www.glatube.com/Watch.aspx?vid=3079 Thank You so much for replying Guard!
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Re: A new start for an old freind 17 Nov 2011 13:15 #125819

shemirateinayim

Day 1 כ חשון תשע"ב
I have read alot of the AA handbook so far, trying to glean a clearer understanding of the whole system. This isn't my first time reading it, and I find it to contain too much "fluff" and stories to make a clearly understandable point. It works better for a Big-Book-meeting than an informational text. Now that I have vented some frustration, it is not really them who are lacking, it's me that is sick. From last night already I have been overcome with an incessant anxiety, the first symptoms of withdrawal. At every minor nuance of a slip (catching a peak of something I shouldn't be seeing -- offline) I close my eyes and remind myself where this will take me. Instead of being frustrated at falling 2 Blatt behind the kollel's הספק, and totally ,issing out on chazarah for 2 weeks... I am not allowing myself to be upset, angry, or depressed. Instead I blame the sickness which has brought this ALL upon me, and will continue untill my total destruction!

Do I want to be like this? ....then I must remember it is lust that caused it.
What will life look like if I give into this one urge? .....the first drink is toxic. יהרג ולא יעבור!

To the best of my understanding this is not yet 'program' however למעשה anything that can help me start breaking the 'pattern' is also good. To understand and implement program I still continue to read the BigBook, until with the help of my higher power I can surrender to him my will, my lust, and in-turn receive life.

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Re: A new start for an old freind 17 Nov 2011 20:07 #125902

shemirateinayim

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 17 Nov 2011 19:40:

"Rarely have we seen someone who was successful in working these steps on his own, outside the framework of a group....." (Is this a quote?)

Since SA in really weak in this town, and I don't have any realistic way of attending more meeting in other places, I will choose A FEW people to 'follow' here on the forum (hey my time has a limit), and keep in close touch with as many members as I can, on and offline.
Any Suggestions:

Yosef you are #1 on my list.... followed by likutim from Dov (reading all his recent posts)

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Re: A new start for an old freind 17 Nov 2011 20:43 #125910

gibbor120 OFFLINE Platinum Boarder NEVER EVER GIVE UP! Posts: 5251 Karma: 166	There are some phone groups that recently started. Staying in touch with people is a definite must!
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