When I first saw this site (a while ago), I often visited it, but I found that the constant counting of my progress and reading of the forum topics was actually detrimental to my attempt to fix myself, as it merely kept the issue in my mind, and in the end, I fell miserably.

So this year (after many other failed attempts), I decided to try something different, and from Rosh Chodesh Elul, tried to do Teshuva in all aspects of my life, and be generally as productive as possible (and stay away from long hours in front of a computer). I changed a lot of my routines, and the way I acted. I didn't use this site or the forum, but I kept the issue as far from my mind as possible.

And it worked.

Until today.
Well in truth, today was just the bottom of a descent that had started a number of weeks ago. I've been burning out and have been lazier than ever, and what's been keeping me from falling as of late was just my fear of losing the progress I've made so far (I've never really counted, but I have a vague idea and I know I've never made it this far).

I felt as if I have some sort of mental-mode that I need to get into whenever the going gets rough and I want to "start over", and that in order to do that I have to hit rock bottom.
I tried to fight it, but in the end, I just couldn't think straight anymore, and let myself inch my way to the edge, until I just jumped.

I can't tell you how upset I am with myself right now. This is a lousy and pessimistic introduction, I know, but I'm here with a sense of desperation. I know that the trap I'll fall into - that since I've fallen, I might as well stay down here and "enjoy the stay" until I try again - but this time I really don't want that to be the case. I don't want it to be about the number of days, weeks or months - I want to genuinely fix myself in this manner (and by extension my life, as I think this is usually the symptom rather than the cause, but I don't really know).

I desperately need chizuk, and this is the only place I could think of to be, so I've finally officially signed up.

- Autumnal

Well, as you have already decided (according to your first paragraph) that hanging around this site is detrimental to your "fixing yourself" why are you coming back? Why don't you find a different solution somewhere else?

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best � and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"� See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information� We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night� Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps � which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth�

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Me3 wrote on 24 Mar 2011 16:41:


Because I am out of solutions, and this site and forum seems to be the best, I just need to figure out how to use it better.

i found a very astute quote that might help shed light on this topic
for real!

Me3 wrote on 18 Mar 2011 14:45:

Brilliant! Wow ZS, where do you find these gems?

they are from me3!

Welcome A.  Is Autumn another word for spring or for fall?

You're right about the counting, of course. 

Some of the very experienced guys here don't count either, except in very general ways.

It seems to have a place in my learning curve.

May I share that what's important to me is to stay clean, grow in Yiddishkeit, and become the mensch I was meant to be, for "H and for others.

May your brochos be many, revealed and gentle.

welcome autumn,

too much too say, such little time

for starts, you are not yet aware of the discovery you just made

please tell all us caring people what rocks your boat,
and we can all jump in from there

although my miserable kuntress did not yet debut,
here is s/t to address a point made here:
_________
28)-Many wise men have said on the forum that each person has his own way to recover, and must try whatever he can that might help improve his situation, maintain sanity, and shalom bayis. The Gra (Even Shleimah 1,4) says this precisely, that each individual must explore and employ the tools that will work for them to refrain from sinning. The Gra goes further to say (there) that even if whatever tactic he is using is not proper in the eyes of others, he should persist and use it anyways, since it will help him. Accordingly, using ANY form of recovery that will work for him is acceptable. This is provided that he meets the Gra's one requirement (there)-if something is seemingly against the Torah, then he should consult with others before taking such a path,ie. to fast on the shabbos when there is a mitzvah to eat on that day. However, it remains that something which is not Torah dik but COMPATIBLE with the Torah, it is accepted and obligatory. This Gra is crucial knowledge, and can open the door for many skeptics to recover better.
________
well, we are all family here,
so please post again and let us into your world

love,
tz90

Hey, Autumnal !

Welcome! I am pretty new around here myself, but this I will tell you, that here you will find the greatest group of caring people ever, and you wil be surprised what you can accomplish with their help caring and advice.

There is a difference betwen living it and staying aware and accountable. I think the balance lies somewhere in there. The chevra here are staying aware of where they are holding but they are not living addiction--- they are living life!