Hey Everyone,

I really appreciate all the support you've given me.

Hashem designed us to be attracted to women and to need them in our lives. I have a few good female friends who are Jewish, but they are more like older sisters than anyone I would be in a long-term relationship with. I also prefer to keep them as friends.

While I'm at school, I'm surrounded by beautiful women, and some of them are good people, not the hot, crazy girls I've described in other posts. Maybe I might have a chance with some of them, but what is the long-term benefit?

I can say I have a girlfriend; we make out and get physical, maybe we have sex, and I'm left wondering what my first time would have been like with someone who is wife material. Eventually, we break up and get heartbroken. There is no long-term benefit, just short-term joy but most likely pleasure.

I also plan on studying abroad in India next year, something that has been my dream for a long time, and I refuse to abandon it. Having a girlfriend will make that difficult and distract me. I might miss opportunities because I'll have to maintain a long-distance relationship, causing me to be distracted. I won't be able to immerse myself in the culture because I will probably miss her. And it will probably not last anyway.

My partner told me, "Who is happy? One who is happy with his lot." And I have a lot to be grateful for. I don't pay for my education, I have no physical disabilities, I have living parents, I am not baking bricks to pay off a debt in a Pakistani kiln. So many people would want to have a dry spell or no sex at all to have my life.

How can I enjoy the benefits of feminine energy without wasting my time? I am continuing to have good female friends; I am always in touch with my sister, and I am now taking Bollywood dance classes which are obviously coed.

At one point in time, I just wanted friends; Hashem gave me friends. Now I want a girlfriend, and I am waiting for Hashem to give me a girlfriend/wife. It will come, but I want to be happy with my lot.

How can I stop wishing and just enjoy what I have? How can I just be happy in the present? I think that is why I keep going back to porn, not for some sexual thing, but for a desire for companionship and feminine energy.

Thank you,
lionfree

lionfree wrote on 26 Feb 2024 08:10:

The question I bolded is an oldy but goody... I think we all are trying to work on it.

Learning to be looking inside to find joy in what we already have, and find meaningful ways to live that will enable us to find satisfaction within ourselves, rather than be on the hamster wheel of looking for (new) external stimuli...

Regarding your question about the appropriate and best way to look to find feminine companionship and energy in your life - do you have a mentor with whom you can discuss this to get personal guidance that works for you?

How does one acquire happiness? Ultimately it should stem from our belief in God. The stronger we believe in our hearts that God loves us and only give what is best for us, the less we will be frustrated and annoyed with how our lives are going. We will see everything in life as just right for us, and as opportunities specially crafted for us by a loving God, in order that we grow and maximize our potential.

But again, we cannot just turn on happiness. It is a skill, which as all skills must be learned and developed.

Here are 3 Keys to Being Happy...
1. Happiness is not an emotion; it is a decision. Stop waiting passively to feel it and start actively choosing to be it.
2. Happiness comes from giving not from getting. It comes from being a giver, not a taker.
3. Surrender control – let go, let God.

How can I enjoy the power of a woman’s beauty without surrendering to my animal urges. Every time I see a sexy lady, I feel so aroused later on in the day. 

Should I just not even look. Literally turn away every time I see something hot?

lionfree wrote on 27 Feb 2024 22:20:

Take a moment to think about how powerful that pull is and how enticing. You now have the tremendous opportunity to turn away for the sake of hashem.  What an accomplishment.  

It’s not like i have a chance with her. But I still feel tempted to check her out 

Please read this article.
https://aish.com/premarital-relations/#:~:text=Finally%2C%20from%20the%20standpoint%20of,discussed%20in%20Leviticus%2018%3

For some reason the link scrolls down to the bottom of the article. Please read the whole article.

And this one. https://aish.com/100712764/

Also, I highly recommend that you regularly attend Orthodox Jewish torah learning on campus or in your community. GYE is a great place for breaking free from your struggles but you also need to learn torah and Jewish values in order to succeed. Without these, you will miss all the sweetness and opportunities Jewish life has to offer. You are young and at the prime age to structure your life the way you really want to live. 

I have a relative who intermarried and he is lost to Judaism. He learns some torah, and puts on Tefillin and davens every day, but other than that he is stuck in the trap he put himself into for life. The talmud in Sotah 3b says that Rebbe Eliezer says that when someone sins, the sin is tied to him like a dog. The talmud brings proof to this from Potiphar's wife who tried to convince Yosef to sin with her. The verse says that she tried to persuade him "to sin with her, to be with her". The talmud interprets this as "to sin with her in this world, to be with her in the World to Come". I heard an explanation of how sin is tied to a person like a dog. A person who walks a dog feels like he is leading the dog but the truth is that the dog is leading him and pulling him after it...

You still have the opportunity to make sure this doesn't happen to you. For your own sake, please take action while it is still relatively easy for you to remain within the Jewish fold. Your Jewish soul is way too precious for you to allow it to suffer with premarital or non-Jewish relations. You are much more valuable than that. You can rise above your temptation and eventually marry a dignified Jewish woman who is worthy of having you for life. I am writing this because I care about you and I am rooting for your success.

lionfree wrote on 27 Feb 2024 22:20:

As you can see from the following quote the halachic answer is yes.


davidt wrote on 01 Feb 2024 15:18: