hi gye forum!

i am a married man and having issues with getting flirtatious complements from my sister in law (wifes sister) here and there, i dont think she has anything in mind.. bit i constantly find her fixing herself arund me..ect any advice on how to deal with this?

Your making me jealous lol - rich mans problems!!!
Either way, i think aside from trying to stay away from her - because not looking is the best medicine - once you engage then its 50/50

But if its not possible to avoid her (yom tov shabbos ...) I would suggest a sharing a vort with her and turn your "relationship" with her into a intellectual one as opposed to sharing family jokes and surprises for your wife!

Why not tell your wife to speak to her. If her comments are inappropriate (flirtatious certainly makes it sound like they are) then your wife should be able tell her so directly. Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with giving her the cold shoulder. Not being rude, but just barely responding with a word or two, with no emotion, until she gets the point that you're not her friend. 

monseyyid41 wrote on 31 Mar 2023 16:01:

I think I agree. She doesn't realize that what she's doing is dangerous. She's likely very innocent. But do not engage with her!

growup wrote on 31 Mar 2023 15:50:

R’ Avigdor Miller z’l told of a woman that would seduce men in kelm (or was it another one of the famous shtetel’s) with mussar!

So this is NOT good idea. 

אל תרבה שיחה עם האשה
שיחה לרבות שיחות מוסר. חידושי קאר״ל

Please don’t tell your wife about this (yet). It’s not clear that this is the lone source of sexual challenges you face in life, or is it?

Hey - i was saying  that when she sits next to you on the couch and says "hey you like my dress?" you should try not to engage but if you have to - switch convo and say sorry i have to go learn or i really think our family should have a shmiras halashon group - remember markz its a sil - so ignoring her and cold shouldering her may be only temporary....

movingforward22 wrote on 31 Mar 2023 15:40:


I am not sure that she is looking to flirt with you.
She feels close to you, cause you married her sister.
Yes, you can slowly set the boundaries.

Are you the first to get married in her family ? 
How old is she ? Is she married ?

Hi. So she is married.. I'm actually friends with her husband from before... Ive always felt jealous coming from that couple. And especially from her... Because she is a lot brighter than her husband.. she always agrees with my vorts and divrei torah ECT... I've learned that a lot of the things she values I have. She also texted my wife one that I'm wearing a cute polo shirt

It could be that since she doesn't have brothers she doesn't know how to talk to brother in law's.... 

Hi. So she is married.. I'm actually friends with her husband from before... Ive always felt jealous coming from that couple. And especially from her... Because she is a lot brighter than her husband.. she always agrees with my vorts and divrei torah ECT... I've learned that a lot of the things she values I have. She also texted my wife one that I'm wearing a cute polo shirt

It could be that since she doesn't have brothers she doesn't know how to talk to brother in law's.... 

Lusting over one's sister-in-laws is probably on of the most common lusting that a man struggles with his entire life. For a number of reasons. Firstly, having married her sister, the thought that we "could have" maybe married the other one is not unrealistic in our mind (even though we all know it's ridiculous). Secondly, we tend to compare her to our wife and think, "Hey, they come from the same parents, so why isn't my wife so pretty or slim?" or whatever... And lastly, because we keep seeing her. She's always around, at Shabbos meals, Yom Tov meals, Simchas, etc...

So yes, you're not alone. This is a big struggle for most guys. And therefore, you must utilize all the tools in your toolbox to be misgaber on this, such as Teffila, making Gedarim, constantly being mischazek, etc... And when you're at the table or at a simchah, do you best to sit in a way that you'll see her the least possible.

I feel that the issue can be approached in a healthy way. She is bright. Accept that it is healthy and normal for you to desire her, and be kind to yourself in this difficult struggle. If you lose a battle and look at her in the wrong way, win the war, and realize that this is once again normal. There is no need to rewrite the script and make a beautiful woman ugly. She is part of Hashems' plan, and is placed here as an opportunity for us to draw closer to Him. Discard the guilt, embrace yourself, and keep on trying.

This is definitely a delicate situation to handle as it involves family dynamics. It's important to address this issue sooner rather than later to avoid any misunderstandings and potential damage to your relationship with your sister-in-law and your wife. Here are some possible steps to take:

1. Talk to your wife: It's important to be open and honest with your wife about what's happening. Let her know that you've noticed her sister's behavior and that it makes you uncomfortable. Be calm and clear in your communication and avoid blaming or accusing anyone.

2. Talk to your sister-in-law: If you feel comfortable, you can also talk to your sister-in-law directly about how her behavior makes you feel. Be respectful and non-accusatory, but make it clear that you're not interested in any flirtatious behavior.

3. Set boundaries: It's important to set clear boundaries with your sister-in-law. For example, if she's fixing herself or standing too close to you, you can politely ask her to step back or to stop.

4. Avoid being alone with her: To avoid any potential misunderstandings, it's best to limit your interactions with your sister-in-law and avoid being alone with her. Try to spend time with your wife and other family members instead.

Overall, the key to handling this situation is to communicate openly and respectfully with both your wife and sister-in-law, while also setting clear boundaries to avoid any misunderstandings.

dim12 wrote on 02 Apr 2023 15:59:

DM I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like sound advice. Are you taking from experience did you try 1 & 2 already.

dim12 wrote on 02 Apr 2023 15:59:

Advice #2, can be very counterproductive and even make things worse.(IMHO)

movingforward22 wrote on 02 Apr 2023 15:23:

The challenge you seem to be having is that you’re sexualizing a situation which does not necessarily have to have anything to do with sex. Your brain is wired one way but hers is totally different. 
She can compliment your wife about your shirt coming from a good place, and what are you thinking? She wants {{moderator - I saved you some work here}}. 

She sounds like a very normal healthy balanced young woman - from all that you described…

It comes back to what I asked earlier and that is how are you doing with other sexual challenges you / we all face in life?

Tell her a d'var Torah, and definitely work on setting up a time to learn together, preferably on a loveseat sofa if you have one. Kabbalah is the recommended topic of study, as it is known to arouse deep emotional feelings among those who study it together. 

In all seriousness, my sister-in-law flirts with everything she bumps into, she even flirts with Alexa and Siri. But don't worry, I thought she was crazy into me and fantasized about us being together (edit - Moderator) learning of course. She hated her husband and loved me, I had everything that her husband is missing.

Now that I am married for a while, I realized that the only part that is accurate is that I am everything her husband is not. Oh, and that is why she likes him and not me. She still flirts with me, but it's just her feminine way of asserting herself. I swear, when a female flirts, it's her way of asserting herself and trying to look confident, if she knew she was turning you on sexually, she would probably vomit. 

Just my humble experience.