Hey guys!

I'm 26 years old. I've been struggling with depression for the past 14 years. I've given up on so many battles, yet clung so strongly for so many years. And I still keep trying. I look at myself and say, What am I worth,, I am a horrendous human being, a sinner, worthless, the worlds better off without me. I am evil, weak willed, no self control, lazy and selfish. I am a monster an ogre. I will never be a good husband, hold down a job, be a good father, be an ehrliche yid! I am a rotten heap of refuse, there is no hope for me. I am lost, finished, demolished through my own doing, through listening to the advice of my evil inclination and choosing to head down the path of death.

For a fleeting moment I realize, the opposite is true! I'm still here fighting desperatly to make something of my life, seeking to come back to Hashem and break through those barriers. I want to be and do good, I strive to be better. I'm in the midst of the densest of battle fields, pitch black darkness. The path I thought will lead me to victory turns out to be an illusion, a trap drawing me into the yetzer hara's steel jaws. Ahhhhhh! I cry out to Hashem, Mimamakim K'rasicha Hashem, from the darkest depths of pain and despair do I call out to you!!! And he rescues me each time with loving kindness again and again despite my puny foolishness. 

I am a GIBBOR! A true gibbor milchama! No! I am a weak and powerless creation of the one power. The awesome loving kind mighty power who's created me, sustains my existence and guides my path. He gives me free will to choose good from bad. And when I lose my way and make bad bad choices, he is always there, waiting with endless paitience for me to turn to him and pray "Please Daddy, bring me home, I need you, I want you, I love you & long for your all encompassing loving embrace".

So no, I am not the worthless dirty horrible creature that the yetzer would like me to beleive I am so that he can truly capture me in his net and kill me forever. Neither am I a brilliant and powerfull warrior as he'd like me to think and be haughty so that I should lose Hashem's protection due to my haughtyness.

I am but a powerless wonder-some creation of an infinite higher power upon which I am totally and absolutly dependent. I keep forgetting it and slipping back into the trap.

Perhaps I need a light to show me the way and that would be as kaviyachol he himself says "Barasi Yetzer Hara, Barasi Torah Tavlin"! I don't learn Torah anymore. I don't have a light. Learn more Torah and you'll be better at fight or flight

I love you Yisroel, we are all one, whenever any of us make good choices and ecspecially when we learn even one word of Torah, we are lighting the way for each other as well! May we burn that torch so bright as to lead us straight into Hashem's loving embrace Al Har Tziyon in the final redemption forever and ever.

Rooting for you all, with my deepest love and admiration for you're true inner essence,

Swift Eagle

Its a shame you posted this in the less popular parts of the forums. Because more people need to see this. Every jew needs to see this. The whole world needs to see this.



Pure masterpiece. May Hashem grant you every beracha.

Wow! This is amazing!

Great post! I think you'll like this video: 

gye.vids.io/videos/e89ad8b21a18e2ce60/what-are-you-worth

he gets me to smile every time and its only a minute and a half long.