I'm 22 years old, getting married, trying to be more religious, but in an environment void of yiddishkeit. I've been addicted to p**n and m*sterb*tion for almost 10 years. I thought I was on the road to recovery, but last night at work, I fell. . . BIG time. I could never believe that I would fall at my job, using their computer, but I was really shown the potential destructiveness of the yetzer hara if left unchecked. Now I feel ashamed from the fall, AND I feel like I'm gonna get fired if/when my boss finds out.

I say all this to say, I never realized how far I'd sunk till tonight. Sure, I've been struggling for a long time, but I always thought it was manageable until last night. I think I'm ready to give up, meaning go all out and try to do the steps for real. I literally have no strength to break free on my own, and I'm just now realizing just how unmanageable my life has become as a result of this allergy. I need Hashem. I need a vital spiritual experience. I need complete change. I'm trying to get into an accountability group, i've read the handbook, trying to get through just reading the steps for introduction's sake. I've read the GYE attitude. I'm on the 90-day program. I want to take another step, more accountability. I can't do this alone. As it stands, I live alone, virtually friendless as my fiancé lives in another city. I'm completely isolated, and this website is my only connection.

Welcome dear friend,
Kudos on realizing your problem isn't going away on its own. It seems that you're on the right track as far as working on it to go away.
Keep on posting here, and more people will give you their love and support.
Mottel

Welcome Struggling... aren't we all? Nice to have you with us. Do whatever it takes to be free. Have you called anyone on this forum on the phone? Have you talked to a Rabbi or someone you respect and trust? Opening up to a real person is key.

KOT! and never give up!

You are not alone.

We are all here with you.

The nature of lust is to take us to cross one line after the next; in the spirit of true addiction.

Join us in the ongoing battle.

So long as you're in the battle you stand a chance.

Devote a certain amount of time each day to working on recovery.

It doesn't happen by itself.

Keep on trucking.

Hi there fellow struggler - welcome!

You sound like you're ready for real recovery. How about trying for one perfect day, avoiding all forms of lustfull triggers, sights as well as thoughts. Give it all you got. And then try another day, and another... Constantly ask hashem for His help - explain to Him that you cannot do this without His assistance. Be'ezrat Hashem, He will hold your hand and help you achieve a level of cleanliness as you would never have believed.

Hatzlacha rabbah

MT

Start with more posting (especially on the first sections of the forum), you'll soon see which guys you feel more attracted to and you can make friends with them.
Loneliness is truly a problem for us lust addicts, as it says in the SA book - a disconnection is a misconnection waiting to happen.
Also, being engaged is always a very tumultous time and it's very hard to make deep internal changes, remember that and judge yourself favorably.
Hatzlochoh!