Chevra:

I felt that I had to share with you a post written by Steve today to Tomim; based on his empathy for what Tomim shared with the Group today.

Like the love between David and Jonathan is pure and from the heart, so is Steve's expression of love and concern.

It gives me tremendous pride to see how our Shipmates have created such affection and support for one another.

Looking FORWARD to even more,
Duvid Chaim

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Here's the post from Steve to Tomim:

Tomim "Who Is" - I think you're well past "2B",

I agree with DC that you were very brave to be so honest about your past experiences and memory blockage. I don't know if you were still on the call at the end when I asked DC if it would be dangerous for you to work on the spread sheet if it would retraumatize you when you succeed to whatever degree in opening those memories again. He said no, it is not dangerous, and cited knowledge of his own experiences with over 50 sponsees, as well as direct answers from his own sponsor to similar questions.

Please speak to him again privately if you need chizuk or clarity on this. Certainly just do the best you can, as we all will.

I really feel for you. I also have lost memories, to a lesser extreme, and not from trauma but from working to forget my embarrassment over public and private failures and disgrace, and the acting out and other things I'm not proud of that followed. For me to revisit those times in my life will force me to face those times in which I resent my own self, which I am not looking forward to, but if it means freedom I will jump to do it. And I will pray that HKB"H grant me back the GOOD memories of those times which got washed away with the BAD ones.

For example, I felt like a failure as a parent when I could not learn with my son without it breaking down into a fight. All those years I tried, until we stopped trying and I felt locked out of his life in the middle of Cheder, and on to High School too. So I blocked those memories because they were so painful, but didn't realize how many good memories I lost with them until I was looking thru pictures for his 8th grade yearbook. The school had asked for pictures of him from birth till then. I looked at these pictures and cried my eyes out, because I COULDN'T REMEMBER WATCHING HIM GROW UP. It was like looking at pictures of some else's kid. I cried because I couldn't use the photo as a jumping off point to think "hey I remember doing such&such with him" at that age. It was like 9 years of my life were empty, and here he was at 14 years old AND I MISSED IT!

Maybe, just maybe, I can get those memories back if I can get rid of the "cactus needles/thorns/splinters" around them.

I will daven for you, too, that you be able to recall the good, happy memories of your past. Together, instead of breaking the whole barrel, you and I will surgically remove only the snake, the monsters that own us. May we rid our lives forever from them, and feel whole and complete with the goodness of ourselves that will remain.

Kein Yehi Ratzon, Tomim. Kein Yehi Ratzon.

Your Friend,

Steve.

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And here is my response to both Steve and Tomim.  I believe this issue has allowed us to learn a great deal about the power of the 4th Step:

Steve and Tomim

I am overwhelmed by Steve's comments to you, Tomim.  And how much love and concern the members have for one another.

Yes, Tomim demonstrated such bravery and honesty, I know that we were all inspired and uplifted.  Tomim said this not just for himself, but it was something that we all needed to hear; as I'm sure that it is an issue that is shared by more than one on the call.

Steve - you too demonstrated what it means to be "real" and willing to share the pain of your past.  Wow, how I feel for you and relate to how I have swept so many things from my past; sweeping away the memories of the good along with the bad.

Tomim - please TRUST the process.  It works and is the KEY to your (and all our) FREEDOM.

You will find that in fact IT IS the Process will take you to the inner most chambers of the Palace.  And soon, you will come to appreciate that even in our darkest hour from the darkest moments of the past, that G-d too was there by our side.  And while we may not understand it, HE DID and HE determined that that is what is best for us at that moment.

Let's fact it, either you believe that it's ALL G-d All the time or you don't.  So while you may have had to endure some terrible stuff in your past, you can't let go of G-d.  And you can't second guess His Reasons.

Just remember, that from pain, there is growth.

If you were the first person in the world to introduce exercise, we would have thought you were nuts and a sadistic SOB.  But we know better.

I know that you can do this 4th Step and that you can face the Pain and Grow from it!!

Looking FORWARD,
Duvid Chaim

Thank you Steve, Duvid Chaim, and all the caring people who contributed to the discussion at the end of the call. Admittedly, my phone burnt out by then and I didn't catch that discussion. But coming here on the forum right after the call, I found your messages waiting for me in my inbox, wanting to help me through this. I really appreciate that. It means a lot to me.

Now speaking to Duvid Chaim at length and in detail, I see just how demanding the program is of us. Digging through painful experiences of the past isn't going to be easy and I'm afraid of its outcome. Am I prepared to face all the hard emotions, devilish experiences, and all the trauma I've tried so hard to bury? Absolutely not! Why I don't trust, that's a result of my past experiences (experiences I hope no-one should ever have to go through)! Experience what I've experienced and let's see how well you trust! But I got it: that's what we're working on. Duvid Chaim says step 4's supposed to hurt - and hurt it does! In that case then, I guess I must be doing something right. I understand that if we're concerned with our growth (vs. our comfort) than this is a step we have to take.

When I look at the scars on my body from beatings I received more than 15 yrs. ago, I wonder if I really want to remind myself of what I went through as a child. Now it's just "there". It's who I am. It doesn't hurt me anymore - well, if I don't think about it that is. Why do I want to uncover all this hidden pain from so many years of abuse (of all kind) happening in my family? If I've forgotten it, can't it just remain as a piece of history? Why should I have to deal with all this emotion all at once (- emotion I can not contain)? These are all questions a person can ask.

Duvid Chaim assures me though, that it's all about trust... trusting that when we finally go through this we'll learn how to actually feel again and express our emotions in a healthy way that won't require either blocking them out from our memories (and living in a state of denial) or "acting out" so we can numb ourselves of them. When we come out of this, we'll be a changed person with healthy emotional expression. We've to to go through this!

"One things for sure", I told Duvid Chaim. "This step will be a dramatic experience! Let's hope it's a good one!"

With love to all,
2B  

Getting into step 4, I feel like I'm faced with Restlessness, Irritability, and Discontent all over again. During the first few weeks of the program I was able to keep that on the low. But now that I'm asked to shlep out all the resentments I've ever had and confront them, I can't think of anything more straining. Our feelings of resentment and hurt come from a greater sense of self. Asking us to go back into our selfish little minds almost feels like a regression from all we've been putting in the past several weeks. Has anyone else been having difficult with Restlessness Irritability and Discontent during this step? How are you keeping it under control so that you don't find yourself at the edge (of a fall)?

2B

YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT FALLING!!!!

I am so sorry I couldn't see this last night when you were going thru it!

Tomim, I am crying now for the pain and suffering you must have gone through, and what you have to revisit. Know that Hashem LOVES YOU, please believe He is holding BOTH your hands. The one you are writing with, to help you accomplish it, to get it out of you by going from your head to your heart thru your arm and into the pen and out through ink onto paper, or thru your fingers onto the keys and into the excell sheet. But remember HE IS ALSO HOLDING YOUR OTHER HAND, so you shouldnt missuse it. HE IS KISSING YOUR TEARS away as you shed them.

The little boy in all of us is hurting and screaming out for recognition, for a voice. THIS IS HIS VOICE. DO THIS AS A CHESED for that little boy. ACKNOWLEDGE his feelings. LET HIM THROW A TANTRUM. That's his release. But you know now that while there are scars from the past, IT IS ONLY FEELINGS THAT CAN HURT YOU KNOW. You are NOT in danger from anyone anymore. NO ONE CAN HARM YOU PHYSICALLY. You and the little boy that is you, that is me, are in a SAFE PLACE. WE DON"T NEED TO GET BACK AT THEM.

AND WE DON'T NEED TO HURT OURSELVES EVER AGAIN! IT WAS NOT OUR FAULT!

My dear chaver, I am not keeping it "under control" for i can not control anything. I am letting those feelings wash over me, but i am NOT letting them get reabsorbed. I am begging Hashem to help me be free. As DC recently wrote me, I must own my past, instead of letting it own me.

I've told my daughter who had years of being bullied in school, you can not stop them from taunting you, but you can direct how it affects you, you can choose to be hurt or to believe in your innate goodness enough that it doesn't touch you.

Same thing here. TOMIM, YOU ARE GOOD, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON, YOU ARE A BEN ALIYAH WHO IS STRIVING FOR DEVEYKUS  WITH HASHEM YISBORACH! YOU HAVE SO MUCH VALUE IN HASHEM'S EYES, MORE THAN ALL THE STARS IN THE UNIVERSE!

KNow with a certainty that when you get it down in writing and see it in front of you, the worst parts are now SEPARATE from you, part of a past that YOU can own, and choose to USE to grow from.

And always know you are not alone. You always have Hashem on your side.

And you have me.

Steve.

Tomim, u OK? I know this is hard, we could all hear it in your voice on the call. And you're not alone.

I really took to what Shimi said - "closure" vs. burying, to move forward from resentment. And the way to closure seems to be humility. What that means to me is once I get thru the first two collumns and begin the third and forth, then I'll be using my humility to examine objectively how I did "react to the world" in the past on each pratt, and evaluate how it was good or bad for me in the end. Maybe I can stop reacting like that small hurt child, and have a new outlook on life so that i can choose how to react in the future in better ways. I think that's part of the freedom, and the "being a man" that we seek. 

I think we are all sensitive enough to tell in our own hearts if a particular reaction brings closure, or falsifies it with more burying and denial. So the brutal honesty thingy will be put into a lot of practice now.

And maybe one part of the answer to your question about reawakening the RID we tried to get rid of, and to be protected from it's effect this time, is the idea we spoke out that we HAVE GONE THRU STEPS 1-3 ALREADY. That's the diff between now and earlier. We have HKB"H's power behind us now. It is not up to us, the success never was, so we shouldn't be afraid of failure. And we have the power of our fellowship and the chevra with us. We are not looking into the past and those feelings in order to climb back into ourselves - we are doing to COME OUT AND GET CLEAN, once and for all. Is it selfish to want a better life? I don't think so. It's only selfish if I don't want it for anybody else.

Hang in there, 2B. I see from today that I'm shortchanging myself by trying yo do step 4 without feeling the pain. I'm not doing it in third person anymore. And if i see the resentment comes from selfishness, well, Dang nab it I'm only human, and I'm gonna report the past and validate my former feelings, THEN deal with the mussar later. There are some on my list that I DESERVE to be angry at, the manipulating little b**tards, then there are the ones that sound down-right stupid to me when i voice them (like resenting the fact that my wife won't rub my feet - I mean, I'll put on clean socks for it...), but they'll ALL be there.

I look forward to the day when I own my past so much that I can actually thank HKB"H for putting me thru the worst of them, cuz it's made me who I am today, and i like to think I'm more sensitive because of them, tho far from perfect. And maybe that's part of His plan for me, cuz I need what i've lived thru to do my job in this lifetime.

My friend, when we all get thru the dark tunnel back into the light, I want a dance with you. Right in the middle of the circle.

Steve.

I kind of laugh and chuckle reading your posts directed to me.  :D

My own issues, don't worry about them. Trust me: my taking inventory isn't that scary! Lots of drama here. Learn to take me with a grain of salt! (and a dose of penicillin...)

I'm primarily speaking for people who can't find their voice (or who are otherwise muted) and that was clear when speaking to Duvid Chaim. This is about us!

Thanks for the attention though. Us addicts "need" it! ;D

Love ya man,
2B