Chevra
I love the way the Big Book doesn't beat around the bush.
Within a few sentences from the beginning of the new Chapter 3, we read, "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his lusting is the GREAT OBSESSION of every addict. The persistence of this ILLUSION is astonishing...The DELUSION that we are like other people has to be smashed!
The Big Book wants each of us to be very clear that our successful movement thru the 12 Steps requires our admission of Powerlessness - not just pay lip service to this fact - but to be 100% totally convinced - in every fiber of our body - without a shadow of a doubt - that we are powerless and have absolutely no control over our addiction. Until then - well - we're just pretending.
And without this deep inside my gut recognition, I just can't go forward.
This reminds me so much of the beautiful and profound classic story and movie called the Wizard of Oz.
As those of us who are familiar with the story, Dorothy has been torn from her home by a violent tornado and dropped into the land of Oz. Hoping to return home, she begins a journey thru this fairy tale land - filled with magic, beauty and terror - to find someone who can help her get back home. She is told by the munchkins to travel the Yellow Brick Road to reach the Wizard of Oz who can save her. On the way, she meets the Scarecrow, the Tinman and the Lion; who all have their own ambition in life for freedom from what plagues them.
The Story seems to be at a happy point when Dorothy and her friends reach the Wizard's Grand and Awesome Palace. They had reached their destination - even overcoming some major hurdles on the way. To their surprise and dismay - upon knocking at the humongous doors of the Palace, the Guard tells them to "Go away." After pleading with the Gaurd - he relays a message from the Wizard that the only way he will open the doors is if they complete a nearly impossible sounding task and that is to kill the Wicked Witch of the West. (We shall save the rest of this amazing Story for another time and for when it is appropriate for our Journey thru the Program).
This profound Story speaks volumes to all addicts - who are faced - as we are today - with having to admit we are powerless (Step 1).
We should all look back in our own lifetime and see how far the tornado of life has torn us away from our home - from the innocent and playful life we use to enjoy. Did we get to where we're at today by choice? Would we choose to be an addict today?
Haven't we landed in some strange place? And aren't we all looking for the Path to take us Home?
Just look at the Path that you've taken to get you here today - your Yellow Brick Road. Just think of all of the strange and sometimes scary people we've met along the way. Why did they appear in our life out of nowhere? Didn't we judge them to be pecular and wished we had avoided them - only to later realize that they too are on a journey - to heal their own wounds? And now today, they are our best friends.
Just look around (listen around) the Call. Who's the Scarecrow - who wishes he had more intelligence -more answers- to beat this disease? Poor Scarecrow - he's been told "Don't talk!" He knows he could succeed if he only had a brain!
Who's the Tin Man - cold and insensitive - blaming his disease on the pain others have inflicted on him. What a victim he is - he's been told "Don't Feel." He knows he could find recovery if he only had a heart!
Who's the Lion - yelling and screaming at everyone, trying to prove his power - yet scared of his own shadow. Sadly he's been told "Don't Trust." Always lacking it, but always seeking it - if he only had courage!
This is our Chevra!! Each of us facing one or all of these inner struggles.
And here we are today - Standing at the enormous Doors of the Palace of the Wizard. Knocking and knocking, pleading and begging -" Let us in!"
But the Doors won't open. The Guard is warning us. He won't let us in until we go kill the Wicked Witch of the West - (Did you notice the initials - www - another A&W Moment for me when I realized this!)
He won't let us in, my dear friends until we kill that wicked witch - that wicked thought which is "I'm still in control - I still have Power."
That's exactly why we are all together as a team - as a Klal. Because the Palace Doors are STEP ONE - and they will SWING WIDE OPEN as soon as we admit Powerlessness!
Looking FORWARD,
Duvid Chaim
PS - Thank you to the shipmate who submitted his list of "excuses" he uses to fool himself into believing he's in control:
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My list:
If I am the only one awake at 1am, it's not hurting anyone
If I fantasize, it's better than acting out with a real person
Everybody flirts anyway
Partially unclothed images are better than completely
It hurts to hold back/I need to release tension
It's just too hard to stop/I've been doing it too long
It's not a betrayal of love
I just want to check my email
It won't happen today
I won't happen again today
It won't happen before our phone meeting
I feel so great after the meeting it won't happen afterwards
I can use the internet by myself, I am not weak willed
No one will know
Acting out does not affect my tefilah
Acting out does not impinge on my love of life, positive attitude, simchas ha'Chaim
I am not holy enough to fight back yet, one day I will be there
It just feels so good
I need it
I will change tomorrow, just not now
I am in control
I have a better plan
I have a better plan
I have a better plan
I am the director, I can make anything happen when I want
I am normal
I am not an addict, I'm not like him, I'm not like them. If I'm an addict, people will look down on me
I will go through the 12 steps and THEN BE IN CONTROL
It's not the worst addiction out there
I am strong enough to stop
I, I, I.
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