Chalila VeChas -That wasn't a goodbye letter.

But your point is well taken.

We GYEs (addicts) have a hard time doing anything in moderation.

E

OK, here was your 'Daily Dose of Posting'.

See you 2moro!    ;D

:'( No! No!

Arrrrrgggh!

I can't seem to stop once I have taken that first post!

;D

he posted again!

Unfortunately I took a slip last night that turned into a fall.

I should have seen it coming, since I had had some serious RID building up. In retrospect, the foundation of all RID -IMHO - is that our inability to control all aspects of our lives frustrates us. That's where our failure to surrender properly and our failure to "Let go and let G-d" can bring us to insanity -i.e. this little search won't hurt that much... I just want to take a little slip...

It's us being fooled by our keen and addicted minds that even though up till now we actually could not lust in moderation, the Satan says "This time will be different" and even though we've heard those things so many times before, he continues to say "But the fantasy is nice, I tell you this once special", so I said all right but only this once more...

RIGHT!

Just a sign of not properly surrendering, period.

So back to step one again.

He is so insidious and deceptive -whether you want to call him the YH or our addictive mind. This morning he tried to get me to do something absentmindedly, when the craving set in as a result of the previous night's fall (allergy of the body). When that didn't work, he tried to keep my mind occupied with lustful thoughts (obsession of the mind) until I almost fell into the hole once more...

But, despite all the shmey-drey that he tried to use the natural depression and associated feelings (sense of impending doom, my aren't we a hypocrite and so on and so forth) I kept on telling myself that I can't let myself do it because I just can't not just because it's 'bad' and 'assur' but because these thoughts and behavior patterns are self destructive and ruining my life, period. This is because I have met people (inperson, on line, and via telephone) who have found a solution that works for them, and if they can do it -I can too, but only if I will do exactly what they did.

Ay, I takke feel terrible?

My life's experience has shown (especially since my consciousness to this fact was raised by this site) that I am not a bad person, but that I am obviously a sick person in the sense that I must recover from this addiction, and beating up on myself and fearing the consequences of my actions in this area will get me nowhere good; and most probably -right back in the saddle looking for a new fix to assuage these feelings.

Hang in there you GYEs, we'll get well together with Hashem's help and by helping one another.

ben durdayah wrote on 27 Jun 2011 20:54:

couldn't have said it better
you are gevaldig!

SOLUTION, VIDOKand dont say u dont chapp, reb goan
...doctor toast still available if...but, and you know anyways...so then what's left other tha-....gee, its good these ohr makif's are always here, or else-we'd...have nothing left!

(rubbing eyes)
wow, is that you Tzadik? or am i just watching too much Star Wars?

tzaddik90/Special Weapons And Tactics wrote on 29 Jun 2011 13:26:


I'm not so sure that I do chap tzaddik!

But I will admit that I think that I could try and guess...

Thanks for coming out of the shadows -even if only for a few lines.

durdaya,
i really want to say outright what i meant

by the ribuy ohr could be shoveir the keilim

but to get a little closer its step zero

and the choice words i will now send in a pm, excuse the coming french

and no. im not at all hovering by gye, not bichlal. but i specifically want to see your recovery get some ohr yashar and start breaking through the anan gadol, the chashmal, and onto the other side

Thanks for caring and for sharing.

This RID is really going to kill me.

I am RID ridden.

But I am not overcome by a desire to lust in order to sooth my pain.

OTOH, I see that my deep-seated fears paralyzing my ability to deal with life like a mature adult should be able to without freaking out is a definite symptom of my illness and/or simple character deficiency/ies.

I lose. My difficulty (to the point where I mull over a certain non-lust related problem to the point where I am suffering intense anxiety until I feel like I am going to be asphyxiated and/or develop an ulcer any second now) in being able to admit that I cannot control everything in my life, nor the consequences of my actions whether intentional or -and such is the case -inadvertent is terminal. I am blowing things way out of proportion and not seeing things clearly at all. If I don't start learning to live my life differently -addiction or no addiction -I am really going to die c"v.

Over the last few months I have started to slowly and carefully relate to my wife (who has no idea that her husband has a P&M problem, and probably doesn't know what either of these two terms mean) a bit about the nature of this forum, and a lot about the 12 steps (i.e. their content, their history, and the various fellowships that exist as 12 step programs).

Friday, after having been freaking out silently about a problem that has been eating me up on the inside, I finally had a long talk with her. She knows good and well that I am suffering on the inside, and she knows all too well that apparently I have a problem with milchemes hayetzer. That is, she's always known that for some reason if I had to go out of my own dalet amos -the battle over shmiras eyneyim would be excruciating even if I didn't look. The intense pressure that I would feel in the presence of frum -or even worse -non-frum pritzus. The inability to attend simchos in a calm and fun fashion. The list goes on and on.

I also told her, and she agreed, that it is OK if I have certain things eating away at my soul that I have been shlepping around for years now (25 or even 30 years for that matter!) that I see no point in telling her. That this does not compromise our open relationship or the honesty between us, any more than not telling her about the time my second grade Rebbe threw me out of class one day for being a mechutzaf.

I started telling her about SA groups.

That I know several frum chevrah who have gained tremendously, and are learning life-skills via meetings. That these meetings are together with people whose addiction has led them to live encounters with other people -sometimes of the same gender. But that the worst problem of some of the people attending is P&M or OCD style shmiras ha'eyneyim and machshavah that ends up with P&M, and some -like myself can be dry for substantial anounts of time (I've had dry years in the past) -but are far from sober.

I told her that the common denominator of all these people is that their lusting (I used the word ta'avos) makes them suffer, and that they are there to learn how to lead their lives differently -with Hashem at the center. I also told her that it is obvious that the way I try to lead my life and wage my battles with the YH simply stinks.

So she asked me, "So why don't you go?"

And I said "HUH?"

And she repeated her question, and dozed off.

And I'm seriously considering it, because as I've heard on AA shmoozen -the bottom line is that MY plan for life STINKS! So maybe it's time to learn better how to let Hashem run the show.

E

BD you have your wife's blessing go for it.

wow!
good for your EBD that you have such a supportive and understanding wife
and good for you that you are aware and recognize where it is that our thought processes take a plunge and make us meshuga

btw, have you ever tried the phone groups? they might be an easier way to break into the 12-step groups

message from the rebbe: