Dear Sweetheart,

I am not sure when you will get this email.  I am not even sure if I will send it to you when I get done writing it...

Our lives are very confusing right now.  Everything up seems down, and down seems up.  But whichever way is up... there is one thing that I know.  Everything has a soft glow around it.  It is a glow that only comes from Hashem.

Tonight you pushed me extremely far from you.  It is like a fissure in our relationship.  I wonder if it will be something that we can repair.  When we first talked about it and then discussed with rabbi ______, I thought that maybe we were just at different places in our "walk"... at different madraigos as it were.  However, now after tonight... I am starting to see that we are dwelling in completely different universes. Based upon our discussions, it would seems that we can't understand each other's universe: that in your universe gravity pulls you down and in mine it pulls me up... its like it is beyond our comprehension to perceive the other's reality.

I want to try and understand the definitions of your universe.  Rabbi _____ told me, when we first moved into this new eruv, that as a part of being a Jew one has to know how to dwell in separate realities.  I want to try and understand your reality as you know it.  So that I can again be granted access into your world.  I realize that I have betrayed some things that we held precious in our relationship.  Please help me understand your reality.  Understand it in a way that will grant me access as a friend.  As a lover.  As someone who can truly help you achieve your goals in life.  Even if that means just finding your goals... I am willing to help you.  Just help me understand you.  Please, when you tell me about how you are studying "biology", also define what "biology" is and why it is important to you.  This will help me construct a correct image of what your universe looks like, tastes like, feels like.

There are things in life that we should really fight for.  Sometimes we don't even know what they are because we also construct a reality in our minds as to what is important.  But those constructs can weave into our fabric a false reality that confuses our priorities.  The reality that I have constructed for the past 16 years has woven itself very, very deeply into my  makeup.  So deep that when I wake up from the dream that I've been living in, I realize that I am still within a dream.  Except in the new state of a dream, it is like I am under a heavy sedative that pulls me back in to the dream like fantasy that I've been living in for so long.

Tonight, after our heavy debate about this issue I went back up to my office for several hours.  My addiction, my dream-like state, called to me to return to the fantasy that has comforted me for the larger part of my life.  Tonight it tried to tell me that what I've called gravity for the past 16 years is in fact gravity and that any attempts I tried at freeing myself from it were worthless because gravity hurts when I go against it.  I can't say that the entire time was productive... but I can say one thing...

Tonight I sat still.  The stillest I have in a long time.  I focused hard on comprehending your reality and although I can't say that I understand your reality fully... I can say that I denied mine.  I denied the structure that I have been living in for the past 16 years while pursuing this lust addiction.  I sat very still and concentrated on a reality that you've known but that I have denied.  And in focusing on it I have found there to be truth in it. 

So I ask you please, please extend a merciful, forgiving hand to me and help me to understand the Torah based reality that I have denied.  I thought I was studying Torah all these years, and I am so afraid to explore this and I need your help.  It's like being a child and having to have parents tell you that "car" means "car" and to fully trust them to construct a true reality.

Tonight, I denied my reality and said no to my lust... please help me come out of this dream and into the reality of Torah.  I want to create a true reality together.

Wow big stuff here.

does she know about your addictions? if so, i would think u should send it.

@Teddy,
Yes I told her about it before we got married and while that was fine, when I told her recently that I am still dealing with it she started having a hard time. 

Last night she threw her ring at me and said she doesn't want to be in our marriage anymore.  Then after I fell asleep at home, she came up to my office to check my internet history and she found the draft of the letter in my email outbox.  She has since said that she wants to try to reconcile.  Be"H. 

Its difficult.  We have both been controlling in the past (i.e. "neshama mashgiach").  And while we are trying not to control each other's life now, it is making it hard for the other person to grow when you know that the spouse is wanting to control your every step.

Tuvia wrote on 27 Dec 2010 18:29:
[Breathless whew!] If you're saying that her reading the draft letter is what moved her to want a reconciliation, that is simply amazing. Hashem works in such breathtaking ways sometimes. I hope this "coincidence" takes the two of you to higher places than you have dreamed and certainly higher than you might imagine in the current moment. Whew! Amazing.

Good luck to you.  You should be zoche to acheive true shalom and happiness with your wife. 

I was wondering about your letter, though...

Sometimes when we see we are trying very hard to UNDERSTAND, perhaps, we are just failing to ACCEPT, perhaps we are even trying to CONTROL.

Just a thought.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote:


While readin' his letter, I had similar thoughts.
Whatever....it does seem that in this brief thread, there was a happy endin'.

Tuvia wrote:


My friend, if you're living in a world of sexual fantasy, then you are not living in the real world. You may refer to it as your "reality," but that isn't accurate. Only when you give up lust will you gain access to the real world and its real pleasures, including connecting intimately with your wife. Otherwise, life will continue to pass you by.

Its so wonderful to read that you're wife knows about our addiction and after reading your email wants to continue to be an 'eizer k'negdo'
You have a much better chance than by yourself. B"H i wish you much success.

I feel for you from my own pain. I've been married 12years now. The problem is i feel my wife has driven me to realize that i am an addict. I blame her for the progressive severity of the latent addiction within me. I know some of you out there might be thinking that only someone in denial who refuses to take responsibility can say such a thing and the problem can only be us. But please believe me there is more to this sad realization. 'על תדין את חברך עד שתגיע לימקומו' In my opinion its always forbidden to judge anyone because we will never be in that persons shoes. My heart aches and i have alot to say but I'll wait for a response... after all i am responding. Thx

jeff, one of the things we learn in SA is not to judge.
perhaps you wrote your story someplace; I don't remember, but I/we will not judge you.
I will tell you from my own experiences and it is documented here that i did a lot of blamin' this stuff on my wife.
Then I changed a bit.
I spent hundreds of posts explainin' why there were two things goin' on, and one of them was my wife's issues.
I have come to realize that my wife does have issues, but that ain't my issue at all.
Oh...it does get to me, but that is also my issue.

Again, I am talkin' to myself, for I have no idea what it is you are goin' thru.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome Jeff! Glad to have you on board!

This is a very nonjudgmental site.If you feel your wife contributes to your addiction, no one here can argue with how you feel.

As addicts, though, we here have learned that we usually can't trust our own mind or judgment. Especially regarding our addiction.

Share your story, maybe you will learn something. You never know!