I haven't posted much on the forum (only once in fact) however I'm a regular reader and have been in contact with a couple of members via e-mail.  My story is on the site over here.  I find the forum and chizuk e-mails to be a huge help and suspect that active involvement will make them even better.  To put thing in perspective, I'm clean for almost 4 months now (I broke through the 90 barrier!) and will never give up.

As I've become more sensitive and aware of "danger" zones the last few months, I identified 2 areas of concern and welcome your thoughts.  One is boredom at work.  I work from 10-11 hours on the computer every day and although I'm often quite busy, there's almost always time to read the paper and sometimes more than that...so it's a constant struggle to stay away from the "wrong" news stories or "innocent" links and I need to examine my motives for nearly every click!  I work in an office with my computer facing an exterior window so there's very little fear of someone seeing what I'm doing.

I believe that the answer is to develop real, strong interests in the "right" things, like learning, so there's no vacuum since the "kosher" sites with mindless games just don't keep me occupied.  I've been working on that too, but that's my second concern.  It's not easy!  I daven and learn a lot more than I even did before and I'm really happy about that.  But it hasn't yet become a real, ever present area of interest that can keep me absorbed and growing for long stretches of time.  It's the whole purpose of life and the only area where we can really achieve anything lasting!  I know and believe this but I can't act on it!

And although Batteworn's story is incredible and awe inspiring, the fact that he's had years of staying clean and yet the Yetzer Hora still found a way in is a little disheartening.  I know it's the nature of the nisayon, he'll never give up and we can never let down our guard but I don't want to fall!!!!!

Thoughts?

Dear Ahron, is there no way you can install a good filter at work, or in the very least, some good "Accountability" software? This would help you avoid questionable sites.

Also, when you're feeling bored or unproductive, this is definitely a dangerous situation. One idea is to just get up and take a walk, especially if you feel a test coming and you feel weak. Don't wait until it strikes, just get up then and there and take a walk. Come back when you feel a little refreshed and stronger (after a coffee perhaps :-)

Also, when bored and looking for something interesting, see the Kosher isle of our site. So many interesting Frum news sites and various entertainment and video clips can be accessed from this page. For example, Arutz Sheva's Hebrew site has hundreds of little cute video clips of all sorts of amazing things, see this page. And they're all Kosher. That alone could take you a few hours to go through all of them. And that's just one small example of what we have there. So if your bored, spend a few minutes amusing yourself with some of these kosher entertainments, or browse through the links to Kosher news there, Vosizneis.com, Yeshivaworld, ArutzSheva, Matzav.com etc... (Make a neder that if you read news or browse questionable sites for the next 2 weeks, you'll give $10 to tzedaka each time. And if you see that helped, you can extend the neder after the two weeks are up...)

And if you are looking for spiritual stimulation when bored, see this page (scroll down) for tens of great Torah links and Shiurim, etc...

Rabbi Twerski once wrote to Jack:

Human beings are more than just intelligent animals. Indeed, we come into the world essentially as animals and we are to develop ourselves into the spiritual beings we were meant to be. If we lack spirituality, that creates a void.

Yes, we come into the world as animals, and we are to rise above the animal level. Animals are motivated only by their desires. No sense of duty, no sense of responsibility, no sense trying to improve oneself. Many people never rise above an animal level, and are nothing more that intelligent animals who use their intellect to gain gratification.

It is terribly unfortunate that some people descend to below animal levels. Animals have a sex drive and they gratify it, but they do not make an industry out of sex. They do not have perversions. They do not ruin children with pedophilic molestation. They do not exploit others’ drives for their own profit.

If we fail to become that which we were meant to be, i.e., spiritual beings, we will feel a void. Think seriously about who you are and what you can make of yourself. Sexual gratification may give you momentary pleasure, but does nothing to make you into a better person.


As far as your second concern, that even Battelworn kept struggling, take heart! Hashem gives each person tests exactly according to their strengths and their level! Don't fear getting a test too big. Battleworn is truly a great soul, as you can see from some of the things he writes - like that there were Tekufos where he would never get angry or say a word of lashon Hara, and how he loves davening and learning and reached high madregos. For such a person, Hashem kept lifting him up higher and higher by testing him more and more. But do not fear. As R' Nachman said "Vehaikkar, Lo Lefached Klal". And as - Lehavdil - Churchill once said "The only thing there is to fear, is fear itself". Just daven to Hashem not to test you more than you can handle, and TRUST in him that he won't.

Aaron,

    Here is a post that I had posted a short while back to Jack. It concerns our worry about being tested too much and then eventually falling again to the bottom. I think that perhaps the biggest failure for us is when we feel the anxiety of possibly falling again,... "back to where we were". BUT, here is a different perspective that in fact, your test is NOT the Y"H coming to take it all away from you, but rather a proof that you are moving up to a better place.  Here is the post.

"I saw in the L'kutei Moran, torah 25, an unbelievable limud that pertains to all of us.(the following is my Hakdamah) We have our ups, and then our downs. Then we go up again and down again. Some times when we start to fall, we get depressed, and maybe even say, Ribbono Shel Olam, why have you left me to fall again. Especially after all of my hard work and strides to cleanse myself. Was everything I worked for a complete loss?
  So, Rabbi Nachman Zt"l states that there is not 1 yid that is on the same madreiga with another yid. Everyone of us is standing on our own madreiga. Then, when we begin to rise to the next higher level, we are in fact taking over the place of the one who was previously above us. Each level has it's own klippot that must be dealt with and must be subjugated by us. The one who was on the higher level, he was matzliach to win the battle over these klipot on his level, but, now when he goes up one rung, and I begin to go up as well, and take over his place, these klipot come alive once again, and it is up to me to subjugate them. This is the struggle that I am feeling. This is all of the Taivos that start to enter my head again. It is these klipot that are waiting for me at the next level UP. Yes, the previous neshamah that was there, put them under control, (he beat them, and so he conquered this level), but now we must do this once again for ourselves. This is part of GOING UPPPPPP! 
  This is incredible. I always use to think that I was doing good, and then after several weeks, all of sudden I could feel the lusts, and thoughts coming into my mind, and I feared that I was falling down again, and that I was going to lose everything I had gained, and in reality, these re-newed lusts, and thoughts were really due to the fact that I was approaching and coming to the next level UP!!  I was going up NOT down. I was in fact battling for new territory." 

Dear holy beloved brother Aaron [and Jack and everyone],

I want you to know a few things.

I love you more than you can imagine, and I daven for you -along with everyone here- every day. I desperately don't want you to fall.

I think you should try to find a subject that particularly interests you. The Torah is huge and there are all kinds of really interesting seforim. You just need to find the right thing for you. (Not to take the place of regular learning, rather to take the place of boredom.)

The general rule is, that the more we concentrate on continuing to grow, the less Hashem "needs" to test us.

The following is just a strong feeling I have, which of course I can't prove. I think that the reason Hashem let the menuval do this to me, is because it was crucial for my tikun that I should join you and everyone here on the forum. Like I already pointed out, I really don't think my story is typical.

Simchu BaHshem Vigilu Tzadikim, be happy not worried. If you would have the slighest idea how chashuv you are in the eyes of Hashem, you would be jumping for joy.

CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!

Beautiful Battleworn! This one sentence I think sums up our entire life's lesson.

The more we concentrate on continuing to grow, the less Hashem "needs" to test us